Woke up on the wrong side of the rug.

I'm not in a good mood this morning. No particular reason other than just being edgy. Nobody better mess with me today because they may become the unhappy recipients of a warning snarl. It's surprising I'm this grouchy because I've already had two drinks of water. I'm usually ill tempered until I've at least had my first drink of water but I guess we can throw all the rules out this morning.

 This black mood of mine is probably the result of the block headed owner again- big surprise there huh? Can you believe that imbecile came home last night from running errands and had the smell of another dog on him. Not just any dog but a Basset hound! Those squat little varmints are teaming with germs. I'm still stunned. What the heck was he thinking? What if it had some kind of disease like kennel cough, heartworm, or even rabies? He'd bring it home and give it to the whole family! Part of the reason why I patrol the grounds is to prevent things like that from happening and once again the boob saunters about all willy-nilly - not a care in the world. I'm beyond rage at this moment. I'm to the point where I don't even care anymore. Why should I? He's always doing things like that:  saying hello to other animals on our walks, feeding squirrels at the park, or just petting that lousy flea bitten cat down the street. Like I can't see thru the fence! Never any thoughts about safety. I guess he'll  just keep touching that hot plate time after time until he gets burnt. Wow, ignorance must be bliss! I guess I need to focus on my stuff before I have a nervous breakdown.

Thank God there was nothing unusual to report about last night's patrol. I did see some roof rats walking across the power lines. They don't usually bother me - they keep to themselves. The ones that have been getting my goat lately are the flock of green parrots that have been perching themselves on the power lines in the backyard by the kumquat tree. They sit on those lines squawking down all manner of rude things. Luckily I can only make out about half of what they are saying because of their thick accents -they're not native to the region you know. Anyway, not only am I tired of their ruckus, but their clamoring always brings out the big nincompoop who then asks me why I'm not chasing them away. Hello - I can't fly! I'm telling you, if I had my own gas chamber  I'd use it on that fool - or myself to get away. Oh well, I'm going to try and will myself into a better mood. Some nice quiet meditation might help. Have a good day all.

Can you dig it!

It's getting warmer here in Burbank - warm enough to justify digging. What I mean by that is that as the temperature goes up - there is an equal and opposite reaction from us dogs to dig deeper into the soil to escape the stifling heat. I have the perfect spot behind the hibiscus bush that I've been working on the last few weeks. It is almost deep enough to hide me as I lie in it. It also adds entertainment when the moron owner comes out looking for me and thinks that I've escaped. I watch him walk from one gate to the next looking to see if any are open. All the while he is calling out my name like the town crier -  what an absolute fool! Sometimes I'm ashamed to even be seen with him. He thinks that my persistent pulling while we take walks is because I want to check out animals, trees, and such but the real reason is that I don't want to be seen with him. I'm hoping that people just think that we are just walking in the same direction or something. Don't think me harsh - you have to see this guy to understand.  Image a big dopey guy who dresses like a european tourist - complete with black socks and sandals. I know the guy all my life and still laugh every morning when he emerges from the bedroom. Just can't imagine what the female sees in that simpleton. Oh well - I'm off to the dig. Maybe I'll find a bone, old shoe, Jimmy Hoffa, or something else interesting. Have a happy day people!

I remember freedom.

Funny, I'm feeling completely stressed out lately. I think it has something to do with the idiot owner still  hanging around all day unable to find any meaningful employment. While I'm outside patrolling the grounds he is watching me. No doubt making some kind of uninformed judgement about my performance. Man I hate when people look over my shoulder as I work. Maybe I should walk off the job to send a message. I did it once before years ago when the gardeners left the gate open after cutting the lawn. I can recall the pure glee that I experienced bounding out that gate into the uncharted free world. The air was immediately fresher. The breeze - cool as fresh ocean air rolling in during an evening cool down.  My snout was experiencing fragrances sharp as those given off after a Summer's rainstorm. I felt alive! Just as I got out I noticed a possum that had been taunting me for over a year in the neighbor's front yard across the street. Man, everything appeared to be coming together. I made my plan to mimic the big cats of the Serengeti that I had witnessed while the big Duffus was watching his learning shows - not that they would ever help him. Anyway, as I started my slow approach across the street to administer  a sweet, long sought after dose of justice,  some sort of monster with two bright glowing eyes as bright as the sun came barreling towards me. It had to have been about nine feet in height and seven to eight feet wide. Wow those bright devil eyes were mesmerizing! I was frozen by them. I braced for the impact but just as I was about to be run over there was this blaring noise accompanied by a high pitched prolonged squeal with bursts of what sounded like hissing. I closed my eyes but when I reopened them I found out that I had not been trampled. I was shaking - took a few seconds to compose myself. When I did get back onto the pavement, there where two old human ladies waiting to grab me by the collar. I fought to break loose but their human hands with opposable thumbs (damn opposable thumbs!) were too much for me. After a few overzealous pats to my head, they inspected my tags to find my address. Unfortunately for me, those two meddling biddies decided to take me back to the house, put me in the yard and shut the gate. I think I heard that damn possum laughing as they escorted me back. Just when I'd thought it was all over, I heard those old hags go to the front door. They ratted me out to the owner and  also read him the riot act about the responsibilities of dog ownership. I'm sure he just stood there dumbfounded as usual - blank stare - trying to figure out what they were telling him. I heard him say that his dog was in the yard to which the old ladies said that they had just put me back inside the gate. He eventually thanked them and then came outside to inspect the gate and give me the ole stink eye. Well that was the end of it - I was back safe and sound and the village idiot quickly got over being upset with me. Not long after that we moved to a side street with less traffic. I often wonder what happened to that monster that passed by that night and why it had decided to spare me. From time to time I have heard it's monstrous shrieking off in the distance but for some reason it doesn't appear to ever come down our street. Maybe it was afraid of me? I may have more power than I think. Maybe it doesn't dare to come down my street because it knows I am here. I guess there is one way to find out. I should try to get out and confront the monster again. Of course I may be wrong and then what? Also, the gardeners are not working for us anymore and the nit-witted owner checks the latch on the gate all the time. Just my luck - not bright enough to find a job but smart enough to keep me locked in. It sure is thick my friends ... it sure is thick! Have a good day!

Friday again...

I'm looking forward to the weekend since the small human boy will be having an egg hunt party this weekend. The only bad thing for me is that I'm going to be put into the bedroom for the event. No fear though since I know that after the party is over, I will be let out to help clean up all the spilt beverages and dropped food items that will be littering the back yard. I will feast on all manner of corn chips, cookies, pretzels and whatever else the Mother human elects to buy for the kids. I have to move quickly though to eat as much as I can before the hose comes out for the final touch up. I would like to partake in all the play but I tend to get a bit too strong with the little ones - knocking them over from time to time. Nothing malicious mind you - I just get a  bit carried away. Oh well, that's the life of a 95 pound dog I guess. Have a good weekend!

From the jaws of defeat....

Almost had a disappointing start to my day but thankfully it all ended in sweet victory. What happened? I'll tell you.  Every morning I start my day in the usual way - walk into the owner's bedroom to help wake the sloth and also inform him that I must go out. Once I'm out, I do my business, patrol the grounds for infiltrators, and then endure the hour long wait for the delivery of household kids to destinations unknown.  All I do know is that it must be a place where they require combed hair and backpacks stuffed with heavy things. Anyway, when the Owner returns from this delivery, he cleans the breakfast table and ... here is the good part - puts the remaining scraps of morning glory into my bowl!!! I so look forward to coming back into the house every morning to the plethora of leftover breakfast items awaiting my ravenous appetite. Unfortunately, this morning my bowl stood empty! Shocked, I thought the owner had forgotten to clean the table but under further inspection I found that the table was indeed clean! What gives? I thought as I walked around the kitchen checking all the corners of the floor hoping that there might be a paper plate or something with a bit of eggs, bacon, poptart or toast.  Instead, I found nothing! I walked up to the owner and I just stood in front of him. After a few moments he realized what I was up to and brushed me off with, "Sorry, the kids ate everything today." statement. I wondered what he would do if when he went into his beloved, " Starbucks" they gave him the same brush off. "Sorry, everyone drank all the coffee today." He would flip out! Probably threaten to write letters to Starbuck's corporate offices or the State Attorney General. If that did not get the reaction he wanted he might pull out the big guns  -threatening to never step foot in the establishment again and on, and on, and on. Yeah, I know - what a jerk! Try living with the man sometime. You would know all this too if you'd ever seen the little hot head in action with the gas, phone, and cable companies. You really do not want to disappoint the guy - especially when you need to be getting somewhere.  Anyway, not wanting the morning to be a total loss, I hunkered down in front of him, to demand what was owed me. He tried a few times to shoo me away but I kept up my persistence. Eventually, he caved saying, "Alright, alright, alright... let me find you something so you'll leave me alone. He reached into the cupboard and extracted a package of pure unadulterated tastiness  - bacon flavored snausage treats!!!! I was beside myself as I turned round and round in circles. I was distracted for just a split second by the sight of one of my most hated nemesis, " The Floating Tail". My first thought was to attack, but I quickly regained my focus and halted myself to receive my share of the food of the Gods! I decided that the Floating Tail battle would have to wait for another time. This was just too important a snack to give up. Gorging myself, I couldn't help but think how what had started off in disappointment quickly turned into one of my more glorious victories! Ah yes, life is good today. Life is indeed good! Watch out Floating Tail, I'm gunning for you!

Tuesday in Burbank

Not much to report today. Owner was outside most of the morning into early afternoon taking care of the lawn. That means I had to stay inside since I'm not the kind of dog who stays in the yard. I'm the one you see running down the street making my owner come get me. I figure that if I get a chance to get out - I'm going for the gusto! 

Well the family is home again...

Must have been nice to get away for a few days. I wouldn't know since I was left behind. No dogs allowed in their hotel room my foot! What a weak explanation for abandoning me while they were out having a good time. I did rip up some  newspapers which made me feel better for a short while. Then I remembered that they sometimes bring me treats from the road such as left over food so I quickly cleaned up my mess. Luckily for me, they had a leftover cheeseburger  which I gladly devoured after the obligatory welcome home dance. I  mainly do it for their benefit since they appear to enjoy that kind of thing. I myself can take it or leave it. As long as I have food in the bowl it doesn't matter which of the meat bags are filing it. Speaking of which, the kid who watched me over the weekend turned out to be alright after all. He game me the correct portion of food that I'm accustomed to and also threw my ball a few times as well. This doesn't make up for the fact that I couldn't go along for the trip. Man I love a car ride! One has not experienced life until one hangs his or her head out of a moving car! Cool air gushing into and blinding the eyes while sweet, warm scents flood the nose. Not to mention the wind vigorously pushing the hairs back across the face - which is one of the only times a dog isn't eating his own hair. Ah yes, a million different types of stimuli being corralled into the starving senses in a mad rush of excitement. Glorious I tell you! One can experience all manner of smells on a single car ride:  the sticky-sweet smells of ice cream and soda, fresh, tart apples, tangy oranges, and sour lemons  - all ripe on the trees - aromatic rose and fresh jasmine bushes bathed in sunlight - the fine scents of fresh newspapers on the area lawns (both wet from the sprinklers and the plastic wrapped dry ones)  - addictive vapors of gasoline and subsequent exhaust fumes emanating from the cars on the roads - and lastly, other animal's pungently appealing juicy droppings and animal farts - why else would we sniff each other's butts. Ah, the cavalcade of smells and external stimuli just makes me swoon thinking about them. All these golden experiences robbed from me with one denied car trip! I think I'm getting depressed again. I guess to make myself feel better I'll do what I do whenever I get like this - go into the back yard and soak up the sun remembering that while I do so, the rest of the household is at school or work. I suggest you join me. It's a wonderfully warm and sunny day here in Burbank, CA with many smells in the air. Enjoy!