I need to put a damper on this.

I just can't stand when someone is happier than me - for any reason. All day long the big simpleton has been prancing about the house - all jolly and sing-songy because it's his birthday. What the heck does he have to be joyous about? First of all, he's turning 40 and hasn't accomplished much in his life- other than weight gain. Next, he's still out of work and there doesn't appear to be any prospects on the horizon. Last but not least is he's slowly going bald. Yep, he's got the makings of a nice horseshoe on top of that huge melon he tries to pass off as a human head - attractive! I hear that the human ladies just can't get enough of those horseshoes these days.

 

Lucky for him - he set the trap and got his female years ago when he was thinner with a full head of hair. Otherwise, all he would have these days would be late night, "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Come to think of it, is there some kind of physical connection between the young human female's tongue and their shirts? Why is it that when they lifts their shirts  - their tongues automatically come out? ... Oh well, I guess it's like us dogs when you scratch a certain area on our stomachs and then one of our paws starts to move.  Ok, I better go now - I hear him coming closer  - singing that annoying happy birthday song again. Maybe I should go chew on the corner of the television - or one of his old baseballs in the plastic cases. That would snap him back to reality. Have a good day folks! 

Special Sunday Post... don't expect these every week.

Saturday night is over and - what a relief! What had the makings of a potential tragedy, thankfully turned out to be nothing after all. You see, La Jefe Estupido and his wife allowed their eight-year old boy to have a friend sleepover last night. Of course, nobody thought enough to consult me to see if I had any concerns. I guess we can add another link to that long chain of disrespect given to this security expert! Why am I even here? Have you ever seen the human President's Secret Service get ignored when plans are made?  Why should this case be any different?

I guess they've forgotten that I've devised a strict set of protocols that need to be met before any individual or groups are allowed onto the family compound. First of all, there is a fifty-page questionnaire used to measure family compatibility and visitor sanity. It includes such questions as, "Are you, or have you ever been a member of  the Communist Party?"  And, "On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like dogs?" All these questions need to be passed with a minimum 90% grade in order for candidates to be proceed to the next round. Next, prospects are administered the Wonderlic IQ test used by NFL teams leading up to the NFL Draft. Future visitors must score close to the genius category in order to advance to the last and most grueling level. Coming down the stretch, successful candidates are subjected to a comprehensive series of  background checks  - which include interviews with family, friends, employers, and a  law enforcement search covering the past twenty-five years. Oh, and we also check college transcripts here as well. While the interviews are being administered, potential visitors are kept under strict video surveillance 24/7 and  are required to wear tracking bracelets. 

If a candidate makes it thru my vetting process, he or she is upgraded to the level of temporary guest. They are then reserved a specific date to be used for visitation purposes. If for any reason they cannot fulfill this visitation date, the process starts over from the very beginning. Tuff system? You bet - but necessary in this crazy day and age. Of course my family has decided to bypass my system potentially putting our family into the devious hands of subsequent terrorists. 

 That could have been the case last night with the eight-year old visitor but luckily for all of us, I am trained to keep a vigilant eye - and basic animal instincts honed, for dangerous, unscrupulous characters. Thankfully, my fears quickly subsided when this child entered our home and rubbed my ears... leading to my conclusion that he was not evil after all. Of course had I not been here, who knows what might have happened? Maybe my mere presence turned this child to the good side? Who knows, he may have been scared straight by my fearsome tail wagging or something of the sort but I guess we'll never know. Overall - the family's decisions come as no surprise to me anymore. Why? Because the lunatics are running the asylum! I'll talk to you guys later - I'm disgusted!

Voluntary quarantine...

I woke up today feeling a bit tired and with excess eye-goop.  With that in mind I'm ordering a voluntary quarantine for myself - at least from the big ninny. Interactions with the rest of the family are still approved - I'm just not planning on dealing with, "El Presidente Stupido" today. That last insult is brought to you today in preparation for the coming week's  Cinco de Mayo - nice huh? Anyway, with the swine flu all around - one cannot be too careful. I plan on boosting my immunity by sleeping most of the day and maybe a little rolling in the sunshine. Somewhere I heard that alcohol consumption helps ward off flu viruses so maybe some cervezas are in order. I'm partial to Corona with lime myself. Ok, relax and enjoy the weekend. With all the worry of the past week - don't we all deserve it - at least all of us except the, " Idiota gigante". Have a great weekend people!

What ... are you trying to give me a heart attack?

It's quiet around here ... and that's dangerous. What I mean by that is every now and then the simpleton owner gets in a mood and decides to ambush me by hiding around corners and jumping out to scare me. That fool forgets I'm ten years old (70 in dog years) and slightly overweight - my heart can't take this crap. The vet says I'm obese but I say big boned  - and one has to take that into account when trying to figure out body mass index. Besides, had they not fixed me when I was younger, I wouldn't even be having this slight weight problem. Anyway, the pinhead owner has already gotten me a few times tonight and it's getting old fast. Maybe this little game used to fly when I was younger but I'm a senior citizen now! How much longer does he think I can take this? For retaliation,  I should go and chew on one of his new loafers in the closet - that would change his mood. Or better yet,  I could break into the garbage, eat myself silly, and then make myself get ill all over the floor. This is brilliant because of his earlier idiocy, his wife will blame him for working me up and I'll get a free pass. Man I love being smarter than the owner. Ah ... Good times ... Good times!

Forget the Swine Flu - Spring Fever is all around.

All I've been seeing lately are nutty kids running the streets of Burbank all jacked up on Spring - at least we hope that is all they are on. They prance about - some holding hands, others jumping trash cans or having shopping cart races down the street. As their collective nuttiness rises, so too does the anxiety/stress levels of Police officers, store owners, and Teachers all across the land. I can see it first hand in the lead female here at home  - she is a Teacher. Her class was bad enough this past year before the kids contracted Spring Fever - now they are practically unbearable. Unfortunately, it sounds as if these kid's parents only view school as baby-sitting  so are unconcerned when their kids act up. Many did not even attend the school's open house night. This all makes for interesting theatre when she comes home and vents to the big goofball. It's about the only time I ever feel sorry for him. Thankfully, I'm sent outside. Our own kids are affected by this Spring Fever as well but the antidote of limiting freedom as crazy levels rise is still an effective treatment. I sure hope Summer arrives soon!

Tired of the construction...

What the hell is going on next door? I've completely worked myself up into a lather having to baby-sit all the construction crews at the neighbor's house over the past few months. I mean this is absolutely ridiculous! I'm beginning to think that we are living next-door to the Winchester Widow. The really weird thing is that even with all the construction, you really can't tell that anything is different. What are they doing with all the wood and materials that have been delivered? 

I'm thinking that maybe they're building some type of sophisticated crime fighting lair under her house - like Batman's. Who knows, maybe in a couple of months, a new crime fighter will arrive on the scene, dressed in a moo moo, with a jet powered walker and utility purse. She'll fight for noise ordinances in Los Angeles, work election polling stations, and greet people at the local markets - all before her bedtime at 6pm. Of course this could also just be the long awaited subway line connecting Burbank to downtown Los Angeles. I hope they put in parking because I don't want strange people leaving their cars in our driveway.

Anyway, if it hasn't been bad enough policing her normal yard workers - now I have to supervise these crews as well? And if I don't who will -the old lady herself? Doubtful - she's too busy hiring workers to enlarge the mansion. My owner? Please... he can't even spell supervise! Besides, what's the chances of anyone listening to, "Sir Doofulous" mouthing orders while wearing his plaid shorts, open toe sandals, and black socks. No, I believe this is all going to fall on me. And by the look of things, I have my work cut out for me. 

First of all those workers need to know that cats and other vermin are not allowed on that site. I don't care who owns the land - we just don't need any more degenerates in this neighborhood. Secondly, workers need to bring me sandwiches everyday - ones with good meats and cheeses - no bologna! And last but not least, construction will not occur between the hours of 9 AM - 6 PM or 10 PM - 6AM because I am napping and do not want to be disturbed. Well, that just about covers it. I guess I'll go out to set the ground rules. Well ... at least as soon as the goon opens the door to let me out. I'll have to go stand in front of the door until he notices me. Have a good day all!

Mother's day is around the corner...

Mother's Day is coming up but don't expect me to be involved in any canine matriarchal celebrations. Nope, like many out there I have issues with my Mother. In fact, I doubt that I'll be seeing that bitch anytime soon considering how she treated us. She was an absolute monster - if that is even a strong enough description for her! How else would you describe a female who gives away her kids and doesn't even attempt to take care of them? If I had any idea where to find her I might try to look her up to give her a piece of my mind, but as it stands, no one knows where she is or if she is even alive anymore. 

What I'll never forget is hanging out in a box with all my brothers and sisters - watching helplessly as each one was snatched up one by one. All the while - Mother did nothing to try and stop it! She just sat there and watched the various hands reach into and whisk away my siblings to destinations unknown. I implored her to do something but she just told me to hush ... that this is the way things are done. I was devastated by her callousness?

 The first to go was Nero - he was the largest of the litter. He shared my tan coloring, and black snout and ear markings. We were very much alike with the only difference in that he was twice my size. He was probably the most serious of the lot and being the first-born - we all looked to him for guidance. A rotund, red-faced human man with thick eyebrows and beady little eyes snatched him from us at around noontime on a Tuesday in July 1999. He wore a dirty pair of grey striped overalls that smelled of motor oil and kept an unlit cigar frozen in the corner of his mouth. All the while, he wiped an unending supply of sweat from his balding forehead. Nero tried his best to fend off  this beast-man but was simply unsuccessful due to the size difference. He kept trying to bite the human's hand and growled his fiercest puppy growl but this only appeared to give the dirt-hog some sort of sick pleasure. He laughed and said something about liking the fight in this dog as he carried Nero off. We never heard from him again. 

The next to go was my sister  Macey. She was darker in color - like my father. She too was large and playful but unlike the others, had patches on her sides. One even looked liked the shape of the state of Florida.  She was also different in that she really loved to sleep -  which she did almost all the time. I don't believe she even knew she was being taken for it happened as she was sleeping. Oh, we tried to wake her up but she was just too deep a sleeper. A young girl with pigtails who smiled while thanking her parents -gently plucked my sister and her blanket out of the box. She hugged Macey tightly to her chest from the moment she picked her up and all the way out the door. The last thing I heard her say was that Macey was going to be the best dog ever. Unfortunately, like Nero, I've never heard anything about her either but one can guess that wherever she is - she's probable sleeping. 

The next to last go was Comet - he was just plain crazy! He was always climbing over all of us in his quest to find interesting activities. He also kept us up late with his whimpering and box scratching for he was fixated on getting out of the box and exploring. He was taken by an older woman who looked him over skeptically for a few minutes before deciding that he was the one. She said there was something about his eyes that told her that he would be a good fit for her three cats. After he was taken - I was all-alone. People stopped coming by and after a few days, the humans who owned my Mother commented that they had tried their best... and what had to be done - had to be done. 

I was wrapped in a thick blanket and placed into a cage next to a tall, dark, ominous building. True to her past form, my Mother had done nothing as her humans whisked me off into the night. One of them might have had tears in her eyes as they placed me into the cage but I was so afraid of what was happening that I couldn't be too sure. I did know that I could smell and hear dogs and cats somewhere in the immediate area. That was one long and scary night for an abandoned puppy.

The next morning, I was discovered by a nice human female who got me out of the cage and looked me over. She took me into a Doctor who also looked me over and they both decided that I was physically alright. I was placed by myself for a few days in my pen for precautionary reasons but eventually was put into a pen with other small dogs. It is here where I first met the big goof-ball owner. He came lumbering in one day and reached down into our pen to pet us. I naturally wanted to play so I started jumping up and down and biting on his fingers. He apparently thought this was cute. He disappeared for a short time but then came back with the lady who had first discovered me. They took me from the pen and after a bit of paperwork, placed me into his car. In retrospect, had I known what was in store for me - I probably would have acted dead when he first came around.

Oh well, so now I'm with the village idiot and his family and I have only my Mother to thank. Had she tried to keep the family together - maybe things would have worked out better and I would not be stuck in this madhouse. Thanks a lot Mom! Oh, and don't expect a card this year.