What's going on across the street?

In my role as security expert here on the compound, I am expected to keep a vigilant eye out for suspicious events going on around our neighborhood. Of course whether anyone listens to me is an entirely different matter. For example, I was the only one who knew  what was going on the night our house was being TP'd by kids. Unfortunately, my efforts to inform the family went ignored. I was also the only one who heard funny sounds from next door the night the Winchester Widow's home was being burglarized. Of course - once again the idiot owner  didn't listen to me and just stayed in bed. So tonight I'm sitting her wondering why I have been ignored and what I need to do to get some action around here.

I'm thinking that maybe its a volume problem. Maybe I just need to elevate my call to arms with more gusto. Hold on - I think I hear a cat outside. This may be a good time to try something new- it's about 12:30 am and everyone  is in bed. Let me sound the alarm and I'll report back. Hold on...

Ok, that didn't work - raising the volume didn't get anyone to respond. All I got was a stern warning to keep quiet from the big ninny. But wait... I'm hearing the neighbor from down the street walking Snickers the Labradoodle in front of our home again. The owner should be concerned with this - shouldn't he? I'll sound the alarm and see if anyone stirs this time.

Hold on... I'll be right back

Ok, nobody seems to care about the Labradoodle. Apparently the owner is too tired to come out of the bedroom and investigate but he did manage to throw a house slipper in my direction this time. I think  that maybe we're making some progress here. Maybe the key is persistence - yeah, persistence makes things happen. Oh -oh... I  think I hear Buford the possum in front of the house. The owner should really be concerned because I think that lousy possum is the one eating his wife's flowers.  I'll sound the alarm once more to see if the big dummy will come to help defend the homestead. hold on...  I'll report right back...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile - 

Ok, change of plans. I'm now talking to you from my training crate here in the laundry area. The good news is that my barking got a response. The bad news...  Anyway, from my crate I can clearly see the neighbor's house across the street. It appears that a large truck has pulled up in front and a whole bunch of guys have gotten out to apparently help move all of the neighbor's furniture from the house into the truck. Funny, I didn't even know he was looking to move. Boy it sure is refreshing to see people helping each other out  - especially at this late hour. This guy must really have some great friends who...  Oh ...  ah... never mind. Ok, I'm going to get myself to sleep now. Good night everyone!

Don't be lemmings

Not sure what all the hubbub was all about but the goof-ball owner made a big deal of displaying our flag all day Monday. Surprisingly, the neighbors followed his lead by first putting up their own flags and then later by adopting his sloth like way by taking the day off. I'm guessing that laziness must be in vogue these days. Well, there goes the neighborhood! Before you know it, the whole block will be stacked three deep with unemployed bumpkins watching Judge Judy, yelling out windows to devil children, and stuffing their faces full of Funyons.  All the while, their lawns will grow unchecked, their clothes will hang in state on front porch wash-lines, and their burnt out Christmas lawn decorations will become unrecognizable from an eternal sun bleaching process. Boy, I just can't wait!

I'm wondering also about the other habits these fools might adopt from my idiot owner. They can start by copying his distinguished look which matches one tight tee shirt with an overly baggy pair of pants. Do keep in mind that the pants need to be worn high over the stomach - around chest height. Ideally - we are trying to achieve the illusion of a walking pear. Oh and don't forget to complete the look by adding black colored socks and open toed sandals. Now that's hot!

 After nailing the look, it's time to address the attitude. That's best accomplished by discontinuing the useless communication process we call self-editing. Don't worry about offending people because you're now a straight shooter who calls it as you see it. If anyone is offended, chalk it up to their inability to see things in a rational manner or their overly sensitive nature. Most importantly - remember that you're God's gift to humanity. Good luck to those of you who choose to join this parade of fools. As for me - I'm thoroughly disgusted!

What do you mean the size of a walnut?

So the dunderhead and I are out taking a walk and this old blue haired woman approaches us and gives me a compliment. "Oh, what a pretty dog!"She says. I of course love such accolades so I proceed to give her the tail wagging sign showing my pleasure and agreement. She then asks the owner if I'm friendly and after finding out that I am - she starts to briskly love me up. Not a bad walk so far is what I was thinking. She then asks the moron what breed I am. You can guess what happens next. Sure enough, he goes and ruins my good time by telling her that I'm ...  a mutt! What?! He should know by now that I prefer to be referred to as a Shepherd Mix - mutt has such a negative connotation. Needles to say my walk was ruined and so I spent the rest of the stroll ticked off. 

So we get home and he nonchalantly tells the whole walk story to his wife and once again uses the word mutt in reference to me. So now I'm completely beside myself with anger but I decided it best to head outside before saying something I'd regret later. As I was heading to the backdoor, I heard him tell his wife that the old woman said I looked like a smart dog. I didn't remember that part of the conversation but figure it must have occurred when I got distracted seeing that darn Roscoe the tabby from down the street. Oh how I loathe that cat! He loves to taunt me by always doing his business in our front bushes. Afterwards he strolls up our driveway to rub himself against our fence while purring and whispering softly that he's left me a present out front. Oh If I ever see that flea-bag outside - I'll show him something about presents! But I digress - so back to the dunce story.  The owner said his reply to the old lady was that I was probably too smart for my own good. I'm thinking - Ok, that's a compliment. I can work with that. Maybe he's trying to apologize for his last inconsideration. But here comes the kicker - he tells his wife that it's amazing I'm so smart considering that my brain is the size of a walnut! I was absolutely mortified! It took all my strength to hold my tongue as I went out the back door  to go and settle myself down. Deep inside I really wanted to blast him but I decided to take the high road.

As I was lying outside trying to calm myself down I  began to wonder  just how big my brain truly was. I know my head is smaller in comparison to  that of a human's but it's not so small as to make my brain the size referred to by the idiot. Can it? I refused to believe that so I tried to think of a way to find out. I eventually decided to try and roll my eyes into the back of my head (pictured below) to try and catch a glimpse. Unfortunately, I found out that dog eyes only go back so far so now it's back to the old drawing board. I have to think of something because this conversation is not over yet. I'll find my information and when I do - I'm sticking it right into that big goofy doughboy face of his! Have a good day folks!

Applying the Pack Mentality to Team Building...

Disclaimer: The following is the opinion of a large dog and thus written from the animal perspective. In no way does the author expect any these actions to be adopted by humans - they are only suggestions. We are sorry if this post offends anyone  -  blame animal instincts. 

Today we explore the concept of using the pack mentality in order to promote a team atmosphere within an office, sports team, or anywhere a group mindset is needed. Taking a group of individuals and molding them into one single minded unit is not an easy undertaking. That is why businesses are constantly searching for talented consultants and effective exercises. I'm not particularly inspired or blown away by any of the current human charlatans on the team building circuit. Trust falls and name games are basically lame and should only be implemented by those who wait for their own extinction! In fact, I can safely say that not one of those inferior techniques comes close in effectiveness to those used by the animal kingdom. So today I offer you humans a glimpse into perfection by revealing two of our most effective team building exercises. 

Exercise #1: Feast - all for one:

For this exercise you will need a farm, game preserve, or ramshackle bus station - secure permission beforehand. Divide members into two groups - chasers and enders -according to each individual's speed and quickness. Chasers will choose a target and drive it into the waiting arms of the enders. The best targets are slow lumbering animals such as cows, donkeys, or any seasoned DMV worker. Next herd your target towards the enders and then let the good times roll. It works best if chasers soften up the game with their teeth during the chase before any ender moves in. Working together, all members will perform their jobs in order to enjoy the ensuing feast - chasers get first dibs on entrails. For those faint of heart team members, start off slowly with mild green chili burritos before moving on to bigger game.

Exercise #2: Divide and conquer:

Just as the name suggests - confront your adversaries one by one in order to acquire food resources, old furniture, and females for breeding. We suggest using current female team members, alcohol, or combinations of the two in order to lure individual enemy combatants out. First have your females (works best when they are in heat) spray their scent around the outside of the target's headquarters - or just set alcohol outside front door. Next, phone the target and ask to speak to any of the common human names such as Bob, Joe, or Dave *metro areas use television names - Jackson, Boone, or Gil. Once the unsuspecting target is on the line, tell them that you have delivered a hot female or female in heat to his front door. When he comes out to investigate - encircle target and attack with teeth, claws, or badly written poetry. Repeat process as needed.

Well there you have it. Two of the animal kingdoms most effective team building exercises are now at your command. Now that you are aware, I expect to see them used wisely in order to advance your pack's standing in the community - or at least to stick it to as many of those nefarious DMV workers as possible. As always, look for my new Pack Mentality Power Programs coming soon to a city near you. I also hope to have some self help DVD's and CDs available for this coming Christmas season. Have a good day folks!

Jaundiced Frankenstein...

I had a hard time concentrating yesterday afternoon and also sleeping last night. The reason is a troublesome picture the little one brought home from school. My chuckleheaded owner and his wife thought it was grand - like everything else these kids bring home - so they gave it an honored place on top of the fireplace in the living room. Of course this is where I spend most of my time so now I have to put up with this monstrous picture - I can't even relax in my own room anymore. Oh how these people love to torment me! 

One can only describe this picture as a portrait of a Jaundiced Frankenstein with lazy eye. You know those eyes some people have where one eye looks straight out and the other shoots off to the side making it difficult to tell whom they're speaking to. It does make for some great fun though when people are gathered around in circles at parties. Anyway, so this jaundiced Frankenstein with lazy eye is now ruining my life. I swear those eyes follow me wherever I go. At first I tried to block it out by doing my normal routine - lying on the rug, chewing, and scratching but I just couldn't make it work. I kept getting that odd feeling of being watched. Now I'm afraid to even go into that room.

 I did try burning some sage last night with the hopes of vanquishing the bad vibes but the house started making those late night creaking sounds so I spent the rest of the night hiding under a bed. Why do houses always make those creaking/settling sounds at night when one is freaked out? You never hear them at any other time. Oh well, so now I'm thinking about having the local priest stop by with some holy water to do a cleansing - it can't hurt. Have a great day folks!

What's that shaking?

Well, I guess we can't get through one weekend without some kind of nuttiness. Tonight we had a 4.7 earthquake here in southern California. The whole ordeal just made me ask some simple questions such as - does that goofball, shlep owner of mine have any kind of plan for me and the rest of the family for these situations? Do these people even know the correct responses? I just hope that moron doesn't have the intention of just letting me run wild if things get bad - or worse yet - use me as a quick meal when food gets tight. If you saw what he looks like you wouldn't blame me for that last bit of concern. Anyway, I was at least very least calm under fire.

If these people learned anything tonight it should have been that I can be used as an excellent early warning system. I was the first in the house to know what was going on tonight. The rest of the family was completely oblivious. How in the hell did they missed the rumbling as it came rolling in? I tried to warn the fools who were just sitting there all slack-jawed - catching flies in their open mouths and blinking their eyes but they were just too dense to understand. I'm there crying and walking around in circles and all they can think to ask is, "What's wrong with the dog?" What's wrong with the dog? What the hell do you think is wrong with the dog?! Get under a table or something you idiots! Finally, once the house starts shaking, they then get their epiphanies at the same time - looking at each other and saying in unison, "Earthquake!!!" I'm thinking - really? Are you guys sure? Maybe you want to discuss this a little more before coming to this snap decision? I mean - the house is lifting off it's foundation - are you sure it's just not gas? Maybe we should gather a blue ribbon panel to discuss this further? Or maybe you can just skip this nonsense and listen to the freaking dog for once!

Luckily the whole ordeal only lasted a few moments. Before they even realized that running past a brick fireplace during an earthquake to get to the kids was a bad idea - it was over. One can only hope that tonight's experience woke them up to the importance of reviewing the old family emergency plan every once in a while. Having fresh food, water, and medical supplies for your family and pets during trying times just might be a God send! Have a good day folks.

Rewind - August 15, 1999

I found these old diary entries in a box in the garage.  I'll post one every now and then so you guys can see how much things have changed.

August 15, 1999

I'm so excited to have been adopted so quickly but I still have a bit of sadness for I'm missing my brothers and sisters. At the same time, I'm kinda upset with my mother but am thinking that maybe she had a good reason to give us all away. One that will surface shortly. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over this in a few days. Anyway, this guy who adopted me seems pretty wonderful! He has a good physical build, a dazzling full head of hair, and must be pretty darn smart to have chosen me! And what a nice family! The young son's been pretty sweet to me so far but I think he's becoming a little leery since I used my puppy teeth to scrape up his legs. Ha ha, I'm having great fun terrorizing him though. Overall, I'm thinking we will become great pals once he gets used to me. My new human Father's wife - did I just say human Father? Yes, I guess I did. See, I'm so happy that I can tell this is the best thing that will ever happen to me! Anyway, his wife is really nice as well. She's bought lots of toys and such for me so that I'll never be bored. I'm really  starting to feel at home here in this magical place! Of course - not everything has gone entirely smoothly. I got myself in a bit of trouble today ripping up the dog bed they just got for me but I couldn't help it. I wanted to see what was inside. Well, I better get back to the family. I think they're calling me to play ball. 

You know, I noticed that the kitchen moulding on the wall has a chip in it. I'm thinking that I should chew on it to smooth it out for my human Dad. I'm sure he will love it afterwards! Ok, talk to you later.