The Commercialization of Halloween...

I heard some people complaining the other day that Halloween has become too commercialized. I found that funny because what exactly does that mean? Have we shifted our attention away from our, "supposed" traditional messages of witchcraft and devil worship to that of corporate profit and greed? If true, then surly some confusion is going to ensue. Everybody knows at least one kid from when they were growing up whose parents didn't allow them to participate in the Halloween festivities because they thought the theme of the night was inappropriate. If that theme has changed - what are they supposed to think now? Halloween was at first bad but corporate greed is bad now as well so which one trumps the other? But how can corporations be so bad when they're supplying jobs? So they're actually good after all - right? Then again, corporate greed is bad but the answer to that is government regulation which used to be bad, but now is somewhat good! How the hell are we supposed to get through this maze?!

You know, I was never really that advanced in my thinking about Halloween. Funny me, all I ever thought about was getting bags of candy. To those worried parents out there who wondered what went on during trick or treat- this may come as a shock - I never came across any home where I was asked to drink goat's blood, cast spells, or pledge undying devotion to Lucifer. There, it's out in the open. That might have been interestingly scary, but it never happened - not even close. We just walked around in our cheap plastic costumes collecting candy, packets of crackers, and maybe a few pieces of fruit that we would eventually throw back into the person's yard later in the evening. That was it - no devil, no spells, pretty boring. 

I don't even remember  having any sort of discussions with my friends about what the evening meant to them. And the closest thing to evil we ever saw was the Butter Knife Twins - who received their namesake for carrying around butter knives in order to scare other kids. And they weren't even that bad because all they ever did was grab some pieces of candy from our bags and walk off.

Anyway, I do have one problem with the commercialization and it involves the decorations.  First Christmas - now Halloween! I'm tired of it. Everywhere my idiot owner and I go on our nightly walks - we see homes decorated with orange and purple lights and large inflatable characters. When did all this happen? Wasn't it bad enough waiting until April for our neighbors to take down their Christmas lights that we felt the need to up the ante? You know people are lazy by nature and will probably put one set of lights on top of the next. Then we'll have red, green, white, orange and purple lights strung in some sort of hybrid seven month celebration. Now that's scary!

I say we go back to just taping a few cardboard cutouts in the front window and maybe a pumpkin or two on the front porch. It's simple to decorate, easy to clean up, and comes with less societal confusion. Besides, at least then parents can go back to their traditional worries and excuses since it's hard telling little Bobby he can't trick or treat due to the evil corporations and their greed. Even little kids know that argument doesn't jive. Have a great day!

Sarah Palin is looking for a job?

I heard that Sarah Palin posted her resume on Linkedin so I decided to check it out.  After carefully reviewing her skills and accomplishments, I've decided to bring her in for a interview for the highly prestigious position of, " Stool Wrangler" picking up my droppings around the compound - usually twice a day. If selected, Ms Palin will be required to show up mornings and early evenings - seven days a week - ready and enthusiastic for work. She will follow me as I make my morning and evening patrols and clean as needed. What is really needed for her new position is reliable transportation and a true commitment to excellence because my owner will supply the tools of the trade - scooper and plastic deployment bags. That is unless she is hard core and does not choose to work with tools.

I am pleased to be one of the, "Real Americans"  trying to help the former Governor get back on her feet during this time of change. I am also looking forward to a long working relationship if she is fortunate enough to make it through my vetting process. 

Ms Palin will be facing stiff competition though because I'm also planning on bringing in former Texas Representative, Tom DeLay - fresh off the dance circuit
, and former Presidential candidate, champion of the environment, inventor of the internet, and all around good guy - Al Gore. The battle should be intense! Let the best man/woman win!

Richard Heene - Prison Scientist?

Oh that crazy Richard Heene is at it again! Fresh off the balloon boy hoax, he's preparing for his impending jail time by creating a few new reality shows to be shot at the Federal Correctional Institution in Englewood, CO. The main show Heene wants to bring to the public will be called, "Big House Science" that will focus on science experiments that can be easily done while doing time.

In Big House Science, Heene will engage in all sorts of zany science experiments such as; how to brew low grade alcohol in your prison toilet, how to launch an inmate/yourself over the wall using a catapult made from common prison items, and how to make flavorful prison shanks that are easy to make and can be quickly eaten to conceal evidence. Heene even hopes to bring his sons in for cameos by ballooning them in over the wall.  

If all that is not enough, Heene is also proposing a few spinoff shows that are a little more on the risqué side geared towards late night viewers. Heene and his wife, Mayumi, are looking into a show -in case Muyumi is not convicted - called "Conjugal Visits" (no explanation needed), "Jailhouse Wife Swap" (also no explanation needed, and lastly "Jailhouse Cheaters" which will focus on catching inmates who cheat on their cell mates.

Never one to sit on his laurels, Richard Heene, the innovator, vows to continue developing engaging quality programs that will showcase his exceptional parenting skills, high school science knowledge, and harmonica playing ability which he hopes to showcase in a series of future live performances - a la Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison concert. 

 Have a great day folks! 

You paid how much? ... For hair?

A pile of Elvis Presley's old stanky hair sold over the weekend for over$18,000 at an auction in Chicago. In a fake interview afterwards, the winning bidder was asked how he felt about his new prize. Gazing out the window of the convention center, the man spotted a homeless family huddling together inside an old abandoned car. "You see that...  those people over there? That's what it's all about! I work hard in order to afford the finer things in life such as Elvis's hair - while other people laze the day away in their cars - no doubt waiting for a handout. It makes me sick!" He added, "It reminds me. I was explaining to my workers the other day that even though I was giving them all pay cuts - they too could one day afford life's little pleasures like Elvis's Hair, or even Neil Sedaka's dandruff -if only they learned to apply themselves and work hard." 

Later, the triumphant bidder rallied the crowd into a frenzy, leading them across the street to the family in the car. Waving American flags, the crowd peppered the homeless family with insults about being lazy, union workers ruining the auto industry, and Obama being a muslim. Many participants said that it was one the most beautiful thing they had ever been a part of. One woman said that she would be the first to endorse, "Joe - the Auction Man" for public office. "I hope he runs. He could wear the hair he just bought on the campaign trail. We'll call him the King of Chicago!"

Elvis Presley couldn't be reached for comment. 

Note: Yes, people work hard for their money and should be able to do as they please. Just keep this type of idiotic indulgence out of the news.

Saturday question of the week... #4

Was the balloon boy incident an accident or staged drama?

Tap out?!... Hardly!

In my quest to find a new profession for my remaining years - I decided to examine the highly popular world of Mixed Martial Arts. MMA fighting has grown in popularity and many would say its appeal has far surpassed that of boxing. Unfortunately it appears that their system is biased towards using human competitors. I guess the organizers are fearful of the havoc that would ensue if wild animals were allowed to participate. We animals are confident that we could compete and win against humans if ever given the chance. 

In a typical MMA match, there are a few ways one can win a match; technical knock out (TKO) - where a participant gets blasted by a blow to the head and is rendered unconscious, knock out by submission - where a  choke hold is applied and the recipient loses consciousness, submission by tap out - where one of the competitors willingly gives up due to the pain of an applied submission hold, and lastly - a technical decision rendered by the judges based on points scored. If animals are allowed to compete, we would need to add in some sort of mauling category.

The top class in the MMA world at the moment is the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship. The UFC has grown and benefitted by its hugely popular reality fighting series on Spike TV which they used to grow a loyal viewer base and quality stable of fighters. So where are the fighters from the animal kingdom? Afraid? Maybe they should be because I doubt any human could sustain the pain from the grasp of this German Shepherd's bite without tapping out let alone some of our more dangerous champions. 

Please, don't call yourselves, "Ultimate" when most of the animal kingdom is not even represented! To truly carry that distinction you need to include some of our most fierce predators and  then see how you humans do. Oh, and I know how you guys operate so do leave the weapons at home and just battle with what God gave you - ok? I believe that is the only fair way to do this. Besides, I don't see current MMA fighters entering the octagon with guns on them so the same rules need to apply with us.

We from the animal kingdom propose any of the following matches: grizzly bear v. human, tiger v. human, shark v. human, or even wolverine v. human. I wouldn't want any of those animals for myself, but I'm not labeling any of my fights as, "Ultimate" am I? For the first human fighter/victim - I offer my goofball owner in order to get the ball rolling. I believe he would be a very competitive (appetizer) on the lower card, and then we'll move on to some of your more skilled contestants. I don't believe any animals will have object to my doofus owner - especially after I publish his BMI index in the program. I'm sure all they will see is a tasty snack. As a courtesy, I'll even dress him in yellow tights - so they feel they are fighting some sort of walking twinkie.

So there you have it UFC. What say you?

 Until next time - have a great day folks!

What ever will we do?

OMG - I just heard that  TLC is not going to be bringing back John & Kate Plus 8 after November! Who is going to show the masses the proper way to raise children? What ever will we do once these life instructors are torn from us? When will be able to laugh again? Where will we go to watch parents fighting over their kids - besides grocery stores, public parks, restaurants, relative's homes and school functions? Why, oh why are John and Kate divorcing, and can't they just get along for the kids sake? 

Ok... now that I got that out of my system... who the hell gives a crap?! Listen - I know Pennsylvania - been there plenty of times. Believe me when I say that there are plenty of trashy families with kids to pick and choose from. I assure you TLC will not have any problem finding suitable replacements for John and Kate. In fact - I'm sure there are scores of large families across the country right now lining up to receive the type of financial help those two dunderheads were receiving from their moronic show. Then again - when money comes into play - you never know how people will react so we may just have one family failure show after another coming dow the pike. Maybe they should call it, "Churning the Trash Heap".

I'll never understand why anyone would willingly watch this type of show in the first place! It's horrible for the kids involved and watching kids scream and fight is just  absolutely painful. Come to think if it, viewing the show should probably be a mandatory part of our prison rehabilitation programs. Of course some Judge would probably determine that it falls into the category of cruel and unusual punishment so there goes that. 

As a dog born into a large litter of pups (7), I can safely say that large families really aren't very interesting. To get the gist - one only needs to experience five minutes of the bedtime ritual. This is where all hell breaks loose. Here's the rundown: A few kids will be fighting to use the bathroom at the same time (not all will make it). Others will be attempting to stay awake by hiding in various points around the house (stairwells, under beds, attic crawl spaces). While the remainder engage in some form of battle to the death - usually because someone was looking, touching, or taking something that didn't belong to them. The only thing missing is Star Trek's Amok Time battle music. Boy, now that I think about it - that is entertaining! Just don't tell that to the parents receiving the 24/7 beat down.

Those are the people seen convulsing on the sidelines - hands clasped in prayer - waiting for their little hellions to fall asleep. Afterwards - they'll cozy up to a six pack, bottle of scotch, rubbing alcohol or whatever is in the house that will ease their pain. This is the only time of the day where they can feel relief - letting the sweet blanket of unconsciousness remove them from their horrible, horrible existence. I guarantee you  - they do not have any interest in the John & Kate show.

Alright, I'm off the soap box and now heading outside to my dog hole for a few hours of undisturbed relaxation. I just hope the idiot owner doesn't leave out that little abomination of a puppy to bother me. Have a great day folks!