St. Patrick's Day... O Joy!

2011 Humor Bloggers St. Patrick's Day Humor Carnival - http://humorbloggers.com

"Póg mo thóin!" Darby O'Houlihan barked as he walked down our street with his owner Shamus. "It's St. Patty's Day and I'll do whatever I damn well want!" he bellowed. "And what I want is some damn respect because I'm Irish!" And so it went as he and his owner strolled, "Shamrock Rovers Forever!", "Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat" and "Tabhair póg dom, táim Éireannach". I tell you, the way that Irish Wolf Hound carries on really makes me despise St. Patrick's Day! I'm part German Sheppard and as proud of my heritage as the next dog but you don't hear me screaming around like a fool during Oktoberfest!

The worst part is yet to come when they both puts on their kilts and start playing Shamus' bagpipes in the backyard for the neighbor's amusement. No doubt my fat village idiot owner will be outside listening with his pint of green beer. Then that damn Darby will howl like a banshee making the rest of us dogs on the block stick our heads in the ground so as to avoid the screeching.

Oh, and how the little abomination of a Shih Tzu falls right in line! He's been wearing a little green washcloth fashioned around his neck like an ascot - courtesy of the big doofus owner. In addition, all morning he's been walking around saying, "kish me, kish me, kish me - I'm Irish" To which my reply has been, "You're Asian you little freaking moron!" I guess I was expected to be involved too since the Rotund Leprechaun owner tried to put some green cloth on me as well. That was until I issued a warning growl effectively making him back off.

So that's it.

I guess the only thing left to do is to go to my dog hole and wait for the day to be over. And if that little abomination tries to pinch me - so help me God I'm gonna... Oh well, try to enjoy the day folks!

Some Great Escape...

"Keep digging you little twit!" I yelled at that little abomination of a Shih Tzu while pushing him forward. "You're smashing me.. and I'm tired!" "You don't have time to be tired!" I exclaimed wiping the dirt from my forhead, "Besides, don't you want to see all those bouncy balls of the other side?" I added. "Yesh, yesh, yesh" he exclaimed. His eyes glaze over and full bore digging commenced again. We were close to breaking ground on the other side when I heard the creaking of the screen door opening. No doubt my, "Master" was coming outside -scanning the yard for us. "Faster... it's the big moron" I pleaded. "Dosh he want to play?" the little dirt caked tail in front of my face started to wag excitedly. "Move you idiot - he wants to get us with the newspaper!" I screamed while pushing forward harder. "But I didn't go in the housh" was all I heard before the big brute yanked my collar effectively pulling me back into the daylight. The sun stung my eyes and it took a few seconds for my vision to adjust. I saw the fat fool reaching into the hole to extract the lump of brown dirt with eyes...

Now I sit dejected again in my dog hole - plans of freedom again squashed. The abomination is inside getting washed because his white hair doesn't release soil so easily like my fur. It's the only pleasure I can find out of this whole situation. That little fink better not rat me out! Sure it was my idea, but he went along with the plan willingly once he heard about the Shangri -La on the other side of the wall complete with thousands of rubber balls that bounce themselves and streets made of beef jerky. Oh, he was excited to go alright but now he's probably in there singing away - the lousy little stool pigeon! And the big idiot owner will probably believe him too! Oh well., it's off to plan B - dogapult. I have a small version worked up to test on the abomination once he comes back out. If it works out - I'll make the larger version to launch myself to freedom. Wish me luck!

My Volunteer to Help Japan...

Love the people of Japan - nice people, great culture, and absolute lovers of dogs! So when I heard about the recent tragic events, my mind started racing about how I, a ninety-something pound dog could help. Today it came to me! To the People of Japan I submit to you today - my sumo-like, idiotic owner to help you in your time of need. Use him anyway you like but may I suggest that he would be a fantastic candidate to enter nuclear reactors to fight warming and possible melt downs? Don't worry about finding a radiation suit for him since I don't believe they make them in XXXXXXXL sizes. Besides, I don't really need him back nor the rest of the house from what I can tell.

Well, I guess all that's left to do is have someone come over to claim the new worker. He's in the backyard right now pulling weeds in the garden. All someone would need to do is pop over right now and place a few industrial sized darts (the ones usually reserved for elephants) from a tranquilizer gun into that plump derriere. Then it's just a matter of carrying him away to the land of the rising sun - possibly in the hull of an empty oil tanker? For my part, I promise that I won't even bark when you show up. So good luck and God speed my good friends!

I need a Vacation...

"I'm sorry but I just can't understand what your saying" was the last words I heard before the click of the phone and subsequent humming of the mocking phone receiver. Shocked, dismayed, I sat for a few seconds - mouth agape - trying to collect my thoughts. How dare that know-nothing travel agent... how dare she hang up on me! As I tried to collect my composure I felt the hairs of my back stand up on end meaning that small abomination of a Shih Tzu must be by my side. "Not now" I said pushing him away. "Are we going to Mechico?" he asked pouncing on his shadow. "No, we're... I'm not!" I shot back. "Go chase your tail or something." OK, OK, OK" I heard him repeating while bounding off into the living room. This was of course followed by the ever sickening sound of those simpleton humans all saying how cute he was. Out of all the dumb things those meat bags do - I really hate that most of all! Makes me want to empty the contents of my stomach each and every time.

Anyway, I had been trying to tell that moron from the cruise line that I wanted an Ocean View Stateroom for April 4th 2011 for $389 on the Carnival funship - Paradise. But each time I tried - all she kept repeating was that she couldn't understand me. I ask you, how freakin hard is it to understand a common household dog when they are speaking calmly and clearly? And I was really looking forward to getting away for 4 days to Baja Mexico! Away from the diseased critters, away from the humans - especially that big idiot owner! Instead I'm here, busy season about to start - a nervous wreck! This was my last chance to get away before all the local woodland vermin get energized by the warm weather and start parading into the compound in droves - doing God knows what in our bushes and trees!

And it's not like I have any decent help around here. Funny me, I always thought that when I reached the golden years of my career, the idiotic owner would get a good replacement dog to help me out around here. But nooooo, I get Captain Short Attention Span as a helper. I tell you, and mark my words -this whole place is really going to fall to pot when I'm gone! Can you believe that tiny patch of fluff actually invited that lowlife Sammy the squirrel into our back yard to play yesterday?! To play!... Play!! A common disease carrier and he wants to PLAY with it! I tell ya I read them both the riot act! And now I'm all nerves! Hair has been falling out in clumps the past few days and now this to boot. Oh the owner keeps saying something about my losing my winter coat but I know better. There's just one thing left to do... and that's call Royal Caribbean! Boy, I can taste that midnight buffet already! Wish me luck!

And now... a Picture of My Owner!

OK, so this isn't the big moron but its the closest picture I could find to his resemblance - even has the same table mannerisms! The real injustice here is that a fool who looks like this has been allowed to rule my life all these years! How would you like having the recognized village idiot pulling you around by the neck everyday?

I've been so embarrassed by this monstrosity that I've been refusing to go on walks. Think other animals don't give you the business for who your owner is? Think again! Why do you think we bark at each other on walks or behind gates? We're really throwing insults about each other's owner. I guess it's like those Momma jokes you humans like so much. So it goes then when we are out on walks. I'm really tired of having Franz the doberman ask me if I need a hand walking my Macy's Day balloon down the street whenever we walk by. And Toby the Golden Retriever asks where my pointed dunce hat is to match my owner's pointed head! It just isn't worth it. I'm off to my dog hole now to write a few letters to the local pet shelters to see if they have any room this week. Wish me luck! Have a great day folks!

Kicked out again!

So the little human of the house was eating a meal from some Mc-something or other place tonight when he left the table to visit that closet the humans go every now and then to hide. I swear that closet smells a lot like the grassy area outside where I drop my Alpo remnants but I digress. Anyway, so the kid runs to the closet and once again I am put in a situation where I can either control my wild food cravings or let loose like a hillbilly locked overnight at a Bass Pro Shop. Needless to say, I resorted to my usual antics - really couldn't help myself!

The first thing I did was tell that little abomination of a shih tzu to jump up on the table and knock the food down to my waiting appetite - which he did eagerly because he adores me - fool. And what to my amazement hit the floor mixed in with all the other run of the mill burgers and fries, but a good dose of pure nectar of the Gods - minty green concoction of absolute delight! I tell you I practically stuck my snout through the damn floor trying to get as much of that cool goop into my gullet before the shrieking started from the little one. And when that little flesh bag with air raid siren hidden inside started - it was accompanied by the unmistakable uncontrolled rumblings of the blubbery doofus striking walls and crashing his way into the dining room from his usual dent in the living room lazy-boy! Scooping the abomination off the table with one swollen hand and grabbing my collar with the other, we were whisked to the great outdoors for the duration.

I tell you there's nothing quite like being stuck outside with the Shih-tzu. He looked at me and asked so innocently, "What happened?" I just sighed and stated that a 400 plus lb leprechaun had just given us the beat down once again. One of these days that chubby simpleton will get his... he'll get his!

Damn Roof Rats...

So I'm outside last night enjoying the cool evening breeze when Pat the roof rat decides he's going to stroll down the power line from the kumquat tree onto our roof. As I watched - I felt the embers of madness well up inside me. The voice in my head kept saying over and over... How dare he! After a few moments of disbelief I couldn't contain my anger anymore and absolutely went ballistic - barking in a manner that would have surely put my grandmother into the grave if she were still alive today. No doubt my words would have made any sailor dogs blush but I just couldn't help it. I mean, where does that little vermin get off thinking that he can just waltz right into the compound - just like that - ON MY WATCH! I may be getting a little older but not so much so that I'd stand by and just let any old interloper come into our secured area!

I don't even know what the hell he was doing up there! I think he was travelling over to the lemon tree whose branches are now touching the roof. The big buffoon owner has been shirking his duties lately - no doubt -lazing the Summer away. Big surprise - the only thing that makes that fat fool move these days is the sound of an ice cream truck coming down our block. Pathetic!

OK, I'm off to get a ladder to see if the little rat fink is still on the roof. Have a great day!