Protesting change for change's sake!

I'm tired of constantly being disrespected. Last night I walked into the living room to hang with the family - who were relaxing and having a conversation about the kids or something. I decided to engage in what I call, "Happy Bone Time" where I take my bone and throw it up in the air and it lands on the hardwood floor. It is great fun and makes for much merriment! Usually the humans make comments on how cute I am and then give me vigorous rubs and loving attention. Shockingly - this time they just ignored me. Disappointed, I figured that they just might not have heard me so I decided to throw my bone higher and with more vigor. Unfortunately, the only response I received was from the big nincompoop who took my bone and placed it on the throw rug in the next room over. He then led me outside and patted me on the head as he sent me on my way. WHAT THE *#_@?! That's not the deal that was agreed upon. These people just can't take our normal routines and change them on a whim. There are certain expectations that need to be met! 

Devastated and embarrassed, their actions led me to do something that I've never done before - I refused to go on patrol last night in retaliation and protest. I'm sure all manner of vermin were walking thru the yard last night. Hopefully those lousy street possums were eating the female human's flowers! I may just keep this up until things start to change around here and I start receiving the attention and respect that I truly deserve. So far the owners are hanging tough - no noticeable reactions. In fact, they are continuing their normal routines as if nothing has happened. They also continue to give me pats and ear rubs. This would normally go over well with me but considering the circumstances... Anyway, I'm no fool - it will take more than these halfhearted interactions to make up for their recent inconsideration and disrespect. And where is my apology? Oh we'll see who can take this the longest. I'll keep you updated.

Can't sleep tonight...

I can't help it - watched a vampire movie with the owner tonight. The story took place in Alaska and they killed a lot of sled dogs in the beginning which totally freaked me out. I don't ever remember them killing dogs in the older vampire movies. Quite the contrary, they always employed them as hounds of hell - protectors of the coven - hell bent on vengeance against humans. That is the way it should be. I can identify with that. Don't need to suspend disbelief in order to enjoy those flicks. Unfortunately, they don't make them like they use to so now we all have to suffer with this modern day drivel. These kids just don't know anything about making movies these days. Could they at least do a little research for once?

The only good thing to come out of this whole movie night was that the owner and I are on good terms - for now. Mainly because he shared his popcorn with me. I really like popcorn but have a hard time when it gets stuck between my teeth and gums. I've been trying to get a piece out with my tongue for about half an hour now and still can't make any headway. Now that I think about it ... the owner may have planned this out to make my life a living hell... Nah, that would be giving him more mental credit than he deserves. I guess it's just not possible with his IQ of six. Not that he isn't sneaky from time to time. For instance, he knows that I can't resist peanut butter so he sedates me with it whenever company comes over by stuffing it into my chewy bone.  I then have no other choice but to try and extract every bit of that heavenly goodness - effectively distracting me from my most important job - crying and scratching on the bedroom door. Man I'm weak - I really disgust myself sometimes! I'm beginning to wonder if therapy is in order. I guess recognizing one has a problem is the first step  - right? Anyway, I'm going to try and catch up on some sleep. Have a good morning people!

Way to ruin the moment - idiot!

Wow, the owner almost blew my mind this morning! I was outside with him on morning patrol when he picked up a ball and threw it somewhere behind my back. When I turned to see where the ball had went, it was magically gone. Then when I turned back around, the owner was standing there with a big grin on his face holding the same ball! I was amazed. "No way!" I thought but then he did it again.... and again ... and again. I was mesmerized by this display of showmanship and found myself turning round and round trying to figure out how he did it. Of course like always, he had to go and ruin everything by opening his big, fat, disrespectful mouth. Just as I was beginning to think that he might not be that bad after all, he says, "Stupid dog" and walks back into the house. No wonder I cant stand the guy. What kind of abuser do I work for here? He takes a wondrous moment for me and ruins it by questioning my intelligence. Unfortunately for me, I just can't get over this. HOW DID HE DO IT?! I've decided to set up a camera to get to the bottom of this. I can run some wires and a monitor  from the garage to my dirt hole and set up the camera on the patio. When he comes out later, I'll carry the ball over and he will no doubt do his little trick again. Then I'll know how he does it and throw it back in his face. We'll see who the stupid one is then. Ok, I'm off to set up. Have a good day all!

I don't need a stinking bath!

The nerve of that big idiot! I tell you - his gall knows no limit! Can you believe that he actually  told me this morning that I'm getting a bath today because I stink? Me...stink?! I don't stink .... HE STINKS! I smell fresh and natural .. like the soils of the earth. He on the other hand, smells like that malodorous soap that most humans use. That is with the exception of his feet, which I must admit to being quite partial to. But I digress. Say, who defines society's standard of what smells good anyway Humans? Why should they decide? They don't even have half the sense of smell we dogs have. And why should we conform to the human standard anyway? It's simple, we have the  better sense so we should be the ones who decide. 

Unfortunately, that dreaded time is drawing near. Soon he will  come and grab me with those clumsy meat mitts of his and rough me up in that tub in the back yard. I tell you, there is just no civility in the man. He is a complete and utter Neanderthal! How dare he treat a lady in such a manner! I don't see him grab the human female of the house like that. He sure doesn't - and with good reason. She sure would show him where to get off if he tried a maneuver like that on her. She would brain that mental midget! Maybe if I make enough noise -animal services will show up and take care of the big goon. 

He should at least allow me the decency of washing inside like the rest of the family. But no, I wash outside because he say my fur clogs the drain. Didn't this guy ever hear of drain screens? I tell you what - I'm going to shake every time he soaks me and make sure he is taking a bath as well. That's right - I'll show him who's boss. And as soon as all this is done, I'm heading straight for my dirt hole to lie down. Let him come into the bush if he doesn't like it. Really, I just don't know how much more of this man I can take. He's going to have me drinking early this morning for sure. Oh well, you all have a great day! I have to go. I hear his lumbering  - it must be that time.

I refuse to go out today!

I can feel the heat coming on already! It is supposed to be near the century mark here today in Burbank, CA. That kind of heat is stifling when you are wearing a fur coat all day. Sometimes I wish that they would just shear off all my fur but it really wouldn't be a good thing with my fair skin. I get it from my Mother - she was a pure cream colored Chow. My Dad, on the other hand, was pure German Shepherd with a dark coat. Anyway, I was out this morning and the temperature was already in the mid seventies. I did my business and came right back into the house. I'm sorry but the dirt hole will just not do today. The misfit owner will be running errands today which gives me full run of the house. I've decided to make some refreshing beverages to keep me cool. We have some vodka in the freezer so I'll start there. Stay cool!

What a nightmare!!

I had the worst nightmare ever last night! I woke up lying in front of the living room wall but I had fallen asleep in the bedroom hallway. Apparently, it is possible to run in one's sleep. I have heard of sleep walking before but never sleep running. I guess you can add me onto the list. If I had to guess, I would say that the nitwit owner had something to do with all of this but cant prove it at the moment. Ok, here is my dream. 

It started off beautifully enough - a flowery meadow  in a valley, surrounded by mountains made from kibbles with a beef gravy stream running thru the center. All about the meadow was a healthy supply of pig's ears and snausages sporadically placed. It sure was heavenly - I was even able to fly! Anyway, I was rolling in the sun and had just eaten about fifty pounds of snausages when all of a sudden I heard the owner's diabolical laughter off in the distance.

 At first I  tried to ignore it - hoping that it would just go away but it got closer and stronger. Looking around,  I spotted the most horrendous thing coming over the highest of the kibble mountains - a giant newspaper. I stood speechless but felt myself shaking in terror. A whimper was all I could muster as it approached closer and closer. A large shadow  of the newspaper enveloped me as it blocked out the sun.  I could feel the hairs of my neck stand up and my tail curl under.  As I stood frozen, the front end of the newspaper rose high in the air and then stopped for about a second. It then came racing down towards me with every intention of swatting me like a bug. I turned around to run away but  a fence had magically appeared  to block my way. I turned around again and was dumbfounded to find the big baboon owner blocking my path - dressed in an Animal Control uniform and armed with a net. He was laughing hysterically as he swung the net back and forth. I felt the air pressure of the  paper coming down hard and decided to make a break around the moron to escape. I juked left but broke right and barely avoided the control net and paper as they crashed to the ground behind me. I needed to get away fast so I tried to use my flight ability. Unfortunately, I could only get a few inches off the ground before tumbling back down to the ground. I would have to run. 

My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to run as fast as I could. My muscles were straining  but I was unable to go any faster than a walking pace. Turning to see where the paper was, I noticed it right above me, lifting again for the final swat. The owner's laughter was also getting closer and louder. I tried running harder but still could not put any distance between me and the paper or laughter. The shadow covered everything around me as I braced myself for the impact. I felt the paper strike and it stopped me right in my tracks.

 If not for the pain in my head - I would have thought I was dead. It took a few moments to shake the cobwebs loose and for my vision to clear but when it did, I could not see my meadow or mountains. Instead I found myself lying in front of the living room wall by the front door. I realized that I had been dreaming but how did I get in the living room when I had remembered falling asleep in the bedroom hallway? I got up gingerly and noticed that there was a candleholder knocked over by the bedroom hallway entrance. I must have knocked it over in my mad dash. 

As I contemplated all this, a light came on and the Village Idiot came out of the bedroom in his tee shirt and boxer shorts. His moron eyes must have had a hard time adjusting because he kept rubbing them as he asked, "What's going on out here?" He looked around and then picked up the candle and holder and set them back up on the floor by the hallway. Scratching his rear, he walked back into the bedroom and bellowed, "Be more careful!" He also had the audacity to say, "idiot dog." under his breath. How dare he!

Seething, I tried unsuccessfully to fall back asleep.  Even after I calmed myself down from his insensitive words, I could not fall back asleep. Every time I got close, I would experience a falling sensation that would wake me back up. Man I have issues! Oh well, I'm tired and need to try and catch up on some sleep. Have a happy Monday all!

Friday is party time!

Today is going to be a absolutely beautiful day here in Burbank! The weather service predicts a temperature around eighty degrees with sunshine. I've decided to enjoy the sun and warmth to the max today and have already ignored a few of the big dummy's requests to come back inside. I love it when his eye twitches as I ignore him. Anyway, it will be a magnificent time with sunning, relaxing, and rolling in the grass! This truly is the best time of year - not too hot or cold. I've set myself up in the middle of the yard complete with all the necessities: blanket, music, and an unlimited supply of cold beverages as I declare today, "SunFest 2009". Feel free to stop by and join me but please refrain from bringing any other animals (except the party variety) because I always lose control and wind up as, "Persona non grata" at my own parties. Don't worry about the block-head inside, just come in through the gate on the side of the house.  Of course if he does see you - I don't know about any of this. Enjoy the start of the weekend!