Jaundiced Frankenstein...

I had a hard time concentrating yesterday afternoon and also sleeping last night. The reason is a troublesome picture the little one brought home from school. My chuckleheaded owner and his wife thought it was grand - like everything else these kids bring home - so they gave it an honored place on top of the fireplace in the living room. Of course this is where I spend most of my time so now I have to put up with this monstrous picture - I can't even relax in my own room anymore. Oh how these people love to torment me! 

One can only describe this picture as a portrait of a Jaundiced Frankenstein with lazy eye. You know those eyes some people have where one eye looks straight out and the other shoots off to the side making it difficult to tell whom they're speaking to. It does make for some great fun though when people are gathered around in circles at parties. Anyway, so this jaundiced Frankenstein with lazy eye is now ruining my life. I swear those eyes follow me wherever I go. At first I tried to block it out by doing my normal routine - lying on the rug, chewing, and scratching but I just couldn't make it work. I kept getting that odd feeling of being watched. Now I'm afraid to even go into that room.

 I did try burning some sage last night with the hopes of vanquishing the bad vibes but the house started making those late night creaking sounds so I spent the rest of the night hiding under a bed. Why do houses always make those creaking/settling sounds at night when one is freaked out? You never hear them at any other time. Oh well, so now I'm thinking about having the local priest stop by with some holy water to do a cleansing - it can't hurt. Have a great day folks!

What's that shaking?

Well, I guess we can't get through one weekend without some kind of nuttiness. Tonight we had a 4.7 earthquake here in southern California. The whole ordeal just made me ask some simple questions such as - does that goofball, shlep owner of mine have any kind of plan for me and the rest of the family for these situations? Do these people even know the correct responses? I just hope that moron doesn't have the intention of just letting me run wild if things get bad - or worse yet - use me as a quick meal when food gets tight. If you saw what he looks like you wouldn't blame me for that last bit of concern. Anyway, I was at least very least calm under fire.

If these people learned anything tonight it should have been that I can be used as an excellent early warning system. I was the first in the house to know what was going on tonight. The rest of the family was completely oblivious. How in the hell did they missed the rumbling as it came rolling in? I tried to warn the fools who were just sitting there all slack-jawed - catching flies in their open mouths and blinking their eyes but they were just too dense to understand. I'm there crying and walking around in circles and all they can think to ask is, "What's wrong with the dog?" What's wrong with the dog? What the hell do you think is wrong with the dog?! Get under a table or something you idiots! Finally, once the house starts shaking, they then get their epiphanies at the same time - looking at each other and saying in unison, "Earthquake!!!" I'm thinking - really? Are you guys sure? Maybe you want to discuss this a little more before coming to this snap decision? I mean - the house is lifting off it's foundation - are you sure it's just not gas? Maybe we should gather a blue ribbon panel to discuss this further? Or maybe you can just skip this nonsense and listen to the freaking dog for once!

Luckily the whole ordeal only lasted a few moments. Before they even realized that running past a brick fireplace during an earthquake to get to the kids was a bad idea - it was over. One can only hope that tonight's experience woke them up to the importance of reviewing the old family emergency plan every once in a while. Having fresh food, water, and medical supplies for your family and pets during trying times just might be a God send! Have a good day folks.

Rewind - August 15, 1999

I found these old diary entries in a box in the garage.  I'll post one every now and then so you guys can see how much things have changed.

August 15, 1999

I'm so excited to have been adopted so quickly but I still have a bit of sadness for I'm missing my brothers and sisters. At the same time, I'm kinda upset with my mother but am thinking that maybe she had a good reason to give us all away. One that will surface shortly. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over this in a few days. Anyway, this guy who adopted me seems pretty wonderful! He has a good physical build, a dazzling full head of hair, and must be pretty darn smart to have chosen me! And what a nice family! The young son's been pretty sweet to me so far but I think he's becoming a little leery since I used my puppy teeth to scrape up his legs. Ha ha, I'm having great fun terrorizing him though. Overall, I'm thinking we will become great pals once he gets used to me. My new human Father's wife - did I just say human Father? Yes, I guess I did. See, I'm so happy that I can tell this is the best thing that will ever happen to me! Anyway, his wife is really nice as well. She's bought lots of toys and such for me so that I'll never be bored. I'm really  starting to feel at home here in this magical place! Of course - not everything has gone entirely smoothly. I got myself in a bit of trouble today ripping up the dog bed they just got for me but I couldn't help it. I wanted to see what was inside. Well, I better get back to the family. I think they're calling me to play ball. 

You know, I noticed that the kitchen moulding on the wall has a chip in it. I'm thinking that I should chew on it to smooth it out for my human Dad. I'm sure he will love it afterwards! Ok, talk to you later.

Applying a pack mentality to the workplace...

Disclaimer: The following is the opinion of a large dog and thus written from an animal perspective. In no way does the author expect any these actions to be adopted by humans - they are in fact - only suggestions. We are sorry if this post offends anyone  -  blame animal instincts. 

I'm going to step out of my usual focus on complaints against my owner and personal stories to talk about the current state of the workplace. By now, we are all aware that many businesses are failing during these tough economic times. Difficult choices are being made on a daily basis by those fortunate enough to keep their doors open. Many are cutting costs by reducing their workforce. Unfortunately, those remaining workers are being asked to add additional responsibilities and/or longer hours in order to fill the voids left behind by the displaced workers.  It is no wonder then that these remaining workers are suffering from low morale. With all this in mind, how can one survive or even thrive in the workplace during these unstable times? I suggest one key is to adopt the pack mentality. 

Having a pack mentality requires that workers engage others in order to establish dominance or claim one's place within their department's hierarchy. It is no longer good enough to just show up and work hard or to keep one's supervisor abreast of his or her personal accomplishments. One must now now clash with his rival and vanquish her competition - think cheerleading tryouts. By adopting these strategies, victorious workers will ensure their ability to provide for future bloodlines while also attaining personal satisfaction. The pack mentality has served the animal kingdom well for ages and let us not forget that humans have also used such practices before in the workplace - some as recently as the early 1980s. 

So where do we start? Let us examine some possible scenarios. For our first example, we have two coworkers within a department - Bob and Charlie. Each has arrived at the copy machine at the same time. Both have important presentations to make in a short amount of time so both must have copies made as soon as possible. Bob, a new follower of the pack mentality, grabs Charlie by the back of the neck and forces him to the floor. Charlie tries to fight  back but is physically overmatched. Charlie must now submit himself by demonstrating that he understands his new role by rolling onto his back and also avoiding eye contact. Bob can now claim both the copier machine and Charlie's presentation for his own. Bob may also elect to claim Charlie's cubicle by marking it. As for Charlie, he must now hang out at the outskirts of the office as an outcast or leave to establish himself within another company.

Our next scenario involves Linda and Gloria. Linda has been working for the same department for ten years without any consideration for a promotion. Gloria has been Linda's immediate supervisor all the while. Linda, a new follower of the pack mentality, approaches Gloria one day. Before Gloria has a chance to say good morning, Linda grabs her supervisor by the hair, and gently pushes her into the break room vending machine accidently breaking the glass front. Gloria, not  having kept abreast of the business trends of the day, quickly learns the hard way that she is being replaced by her subordinate and so must leave the company. As added benefit, Linda becomes popular with her underlings by supplying free snacks for all.

Our last example is a glimpse into what the new office environment may eventually look like. Office clerks - Gary and Joan are making small chat around the water cooler about a popular television show from the night before. As they are having their discussion, Ben from the mailroom approaches to get a drink. Knowing that their water supply is low and that one of them will have to replace the soon to be emptied bottle, Gary and Joan first warn off Ben with a series of low growls. Undaunted, Ben inches closer and receives the stronger showing of bare teeth from the two. Hesitant, Ben continues to inch closer until Joan attacks  - latching onto Ben's arm with her powerful jaws. Gary rounds from behind and bites Ben's leg - each giving a healthy dose of justice by wrenching their heads from side to side. Ben is quickly put back into his place and scurries back to the mailroom to address his wounds. He will not soon forget his defeat and will surely think twice before attempting another such power play. Gary and Joan are now free to continue their conversation- happy to have all the water to themselves. 

In these trying times where personal workplace opportunities and satisfaction are scarce. Workers must claim their place in the office as well as their share of personal happiness. One way is to adopt the pack mentality. I hope my suggestions come as a God send to those who need to hear my words. For those of you who need further assistance, look for my new Pack Mentality Power Programs coming to a city near you. I also hope to have some self help DVD's and CDs available for this coming Christmas season. Have a good day folks.

Foiled again...

Well, my attempt to pass myself off as a Seeing eye dog to acquire some of that delicious Handy Market tri-tip was derailed yesterday by the idiot owner! I tell you - I have the worst luck! What's the chances of that moron being at the store at the same time as me? I don't understand it - I had been so careful in my plans. I purposely waited about a half hour after the numbskull left so as to make sure he was far away before making my attempt. 

 It took about forty-five minutes alone just to get the Reese's beach towel on my back and then I go and get myself  caught! What a waste! You should have seen look on the village idiot's face when he saw me in the store!

Up until then, everything had been going so well. I had made it past the check out area unnoticed and was just about all the way to the meat counter with my note when I heard, "Haley?...  What the hell?" I turned and saw the look on his face and panicked. I ran around the corner out of sight before getting my bearings back enough to ditch the note about my being a Seeing eye dog.  Before I knew it, he had rounded the corner and grabbed me by the collar. I had no other choice but to give myself up freely for I was in big enough trouble already as it was. As he removed me from the store, my feeble minded owner  apologized left and right to all the workers and whoever  else would listen. I don't think anyone cared too much - they just seemed stunned seeing a dog running thru the store wrapped in a beach towel. 

All the way home the owner's face was beet red as he read me the riot act about leaving the yard or our home for he did not know yet how I had gotten out. I guess I could have told him that I had finally figured out how to turn the dead-bolt on the front door  by slapping at it with my paw but I could tell that it was not the right time. Luckily, I had forgotten to close the door when I left so it looked as if the door had been left open by the last person to leave or I had pushed an unlatched door open enabling my escape. He kept mumbling something about knowing he had locked the door when he left. What also really bothered him was the beach towel on my back. He had a hard time trying to figure any scenarios about that one. Oh well, life is full of mystery - let him wonder. 

Over all, I'm not discouraged. I know that I can use my new technique now to get out any time I like so I'll try again when this all blows over. Then I'll get my fill on those yummy meats at the deli counter.  Have a good day folks!

Giving it the old college try ...

I'm hungry but there's nothing I want to eat around here. My bowl has some disgustingly dry lamb and rice nuggets left over from last night's dinner but that's not exactly what I'm craving. What I really want is steak so I'm thinking about sneaking out down the street to the local Handy Market and getting some of their famous tri-tip. Unfortunately, I'm anticipating that I will be foiled again by that lingering communication problem that manifests whenever I physically try and talk to humans. They just never seem to understand me!

I'm still upset from the other week when I ventured out on Kentucky Derby day to place a wager but the lousy human at the window couldn't understand simple dog talk. This jerk must have been related to the ignoramus owner because he also asked me if Timmy was down the well when I was trying to speak to him. I really hate when people ask me that question! Anyway, because of that moron, I didn't get the $20 - to win bet down on, "Mine that Bird"  - the long shot I pegged after seeing the track condition in the pre-race coverage. Of course I never got a chance to see the actual race or results because the big numbskull owner turned off the television for the day shortly after that report.  Anyway, I'm thinking now that I might email my steak order in and then state that I'm sending my Seeing eye dog over to pick it up. 

The only problem with my plan is that I don't really know what Seeing eye dogs are wearing these days. I've seen them sporting those little colored blankets from time to time but I wouldn't  know where to get one. We have an old, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup" beach towel in the linen closet that I can try slapping on my back.  I guess I'll try that and carry a printed note with instructions for their worker. Ok, wish me luck and have a good day!

Recognition for the dogs...

Here we go another Monday and it's back to the old grindstone. I had a wonderful Sunday lounging around the house all by myself while the self absorbed cretins ran amuck celebrating Mothers Day. Of course nobody thought it proper to take the dog along for lunch or for any of their other celebratory plans. I guess they were afraid I might have a good time for once in my life. Yup, once again the hardest worker in the family spends her day unappreciated and unrecognized. Let's see, off the top of my head I can list a few special days set aside for for just about everything except dogs; mothers, fathers, birthdays, religious occasions, presidents, war victories, fallen heroes, workers, explorers, love, secretaries, and even lousy trees. Lost on that list is one stinking day for man's best friend!

So, we get the designation as man's best friend, but none of the glory and recognition - correct? We just can't find one measly day to set aside - a National Dog Day - where owners can show thanks for their dogs by taking them to a concert, restaurant, or at the very least, a movie? You know, places where we dogs are usually banned - along with shirtless or shoeless humans. As it stands, the only way I'm seeing the insides of any of those places is when the Holy Ghost comes down and turns me into a seeing eye dog  and there's fat chance of that happening anytime soon! I say we either need to start changing the rules around here or my goofball owner needs to think of something creative to get me access because I'm dying to know what these places are about! Besides, why should cats be the only animals that are allowed to be killed by curiosity.

Maybe the owner could get one of those leather dog carriers - the kind the neighbor down the street transports his two Dachshunds around in. Why couldn't my nimrod owner think of this? I'm sure somebody out there makes a leather carrying case to house a svelte 95lb dog. I'm not so heavy that he couldn't lift me anymore and I'll guarantee that I'd be quieter inside my case than those two yappy little wiener dogs. They're always going off about something or another with their annoying little German accents; "Look Hans - it's annozer hund der behind dem fence.", "Was ist los hund?", "Gretta, I don't zink zat hund  sprechens sie englisch" and on, and on, and on they go. Anyway, it would be nice to be able to check out what's going on inside those places for once.  

Well, I better go, I've heard about four or five peddlers at the front door leaving their annoying advertisements. I better go and post up before Mr. Compulsive Shopper starts having them over to quote carpet cleaning, house painting, or bug services and I get stuck inside a bedroom. Have a good day folks! Oh, and don't forget to give my National Dog Day some consideration.