Fanatic or Desperate?

Wow, some people must really love baseball! A female fan in Philadelphia was recently arrested for offering sex in exchange for a World Series ticket. The female fan foolishly posted her barter request on Craig's list which was spotted by the police, who set up a meeting leading to her arrest. If all this wasn't shocking enough, the woman turned out to be married. Maybe she was trying to get her husband a ticket? Anyway, before we go and pass judgement on this woman - we should see if there are any reasonable explanations. Maybe it was justified?

For one, maybe this woman found out she only had one week to live and desperately needed to see her beloved Phillies one last time. That might make it acceptable - no? Or maybe (this one's my favorite) she went so crazy from all the nightly solicitation phone calls from the Pennsylvania State Troopers Association that she decided the best way to remedy the situation was to procure one of the valuable World Series tickets, sell it for cash and then donate the proceeds to the police to once and for all end the barrage of calls. That might justify her actions and add a bit of irony! Now don't you feel silly knowing the made up story? 

And it's one we can all relate to in some way? Who among us hasn't taken that donation call from the local policeman's association and not worried about the consequences? One begins to wonder if his or her emergency response time directly correlates to the amount of the offering. Feeling cornered, they eventually break down and give twenty bucks in hopes that it's good enough to keep themselves in the minutes rather than hours column.

 Well, that was quite a stretch wasn't it? So, let's just cut the baloney - the simplest explanation is that this woman is just your average ordinary run of the mill tramp. So forget what I said  before and judge away my friends...  judge away!

Punish the Child, Teacher, or the Parent?

Saw an article today about a school Administrator who will most likely be fired for taping a child's mouth shut and bounding the child's hands in the name of discipline. The article didn't state why such extreme measures were taken but one can only imagine that either the Administrator was a complete nut job or the child was the spawn of Satan. 

We in the animal kingdom are all for discipline - but we dispense justice with the proper measure. I lost track of the amount of times I received a strong nip to the ear  for acting up while growing up. I can also also say that the times were a plenty where I was corralled by the scruff of my neck in order to correct my behavior. But I can safely say that I was never mauled by the older animals for just small infractions. Before you resort to the extreme measure of taping a kids mouth shut, let us animals have a crack at them so as to show you the way to take care of business.

 I propose that schools keep a discipline room off to the side filled with all manner of wild predatory animals. Then if a child starts to act up -bring them in and let us take care of the situation. I guarantee those little bastards will be on the straight and narrow within a few seconds of seeing their first large wolf, cougar, or bengal tiger a few feet away from them without any bars for protection. Before you know it, word will spread like wildfire throughout the land about who holds sway in the schools and then all the little ones will be transformed into complete angels. Sure, there is the possibility that one of the animals may forget themselves and we'll lose one or two kids but soon afterwards we won't even need to bother talking about punishment any longer because the kids would be completely paralyzed by fear. 

Traumatizing - yes - but at least the other 20-30 kids in the classroom will no longer suffer at the hands of one or two unruly kids. I know what you are thinking - why should the kids suffer for the parent's failure? Because nobody said life was going to be fair - that's why! Besides, before long - worried parents would start teaching their children the proper way to behave in public. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the way to handle this is to give the child the power to decide whether they or their parents would enter the den of discipline. I bet you would see plenty of parents making sure they raised well behaved kids then as well.

Anyway, let me know if any of you want me to come over and take over the daily operations of your school. I do have plenty of time. This, of course was all just my opinion. Remember that I'm a dog so my views are not exactly in line with your average human. Ok, have a great day folks!

Halloween - one night of freedom!

We of the animal kingdom absolutely love your little Halloween tradition of dress up! Why? It's the one night of the year that we are able to get out and walk amongst you guys without the fear of leashes, hunters, or entrapment. We've been doing this for years - all under the radar. We need to thank you guys because you're the ones who gave us the idea with that E.T movie. 

Remember that Frankenstein Monster that had that strange walk last year? That was actually the Kline's family pet cat Melvin  - I kid you not! Also, that smallish Evil Knievel that was riding up and down the block on the tricycle that you thought was the Webber kid. That was really Choo-Choo the Marnelli's pet cockatoo. Oh, and I must not forget to mention that the fat kid who came to your door dressed like Obama was really Cubby the brown bear from the local woods. Poor little guy is an absolute freak for Bit-O-Honey candy bars. So much that he's now taken to playing dress up at other times of the year. One time he ventured out during hunting season dressed as Dick Cheney's pal. We all know how that one ended. 

Anyway, we use trick or treat night as our one night to get out and really cut loose. Now that you know, don't be surprised then when you discover that the horse you thought was Ben and Eric from the office, turns out to be just Biscuit the Appaloosa from Lazy J Ranch crashing your party. As for me - I'm dressing up this year as Maria Shriver - driving a car and talking on a cell phone. I figure nobody will notice. Have a great day folks!

Saturday question of the week... #5

Charlie Brown must really have been hated around his town. My God - the kid was singled out from his group to receive a rock while trick or treating! So despised was he that there was some adult out there who actually kept a rock on hand just in case Charlie showed up. One does not normally keep rocks nearby to give to trick or treaters on Halloween night so it's safe to assume that the act was premeditated. So what the hell could Charlie have done to illicit such a strong reaction from the people in his town? Also, what would you have done if you'd received a rock while trick or treating?

Not feeling it...

I don't have any energy today. The idiot owner and his youngest son are both home today so I've decided to spend the bulk of my day outdoors away from the madness. The kid is home because he has a sinus infection and the big moron is taking care of him. Not sure what the owner's wife is thinking - I wouldn't trust that village idiot to work as a door stop let alone take care of a living breathing person. Oh well, I'l let his wife worry about the arrangements because I don't want to be involved. Man, I shouldn't be this disgusted on a Friday but alas, once again they've forced my hand. Ok, I'm heading back to my dog hole to sleep. Have a good day!

The Commercialization of Halloween...

I heard some people complaining the other day that Halloween has become too commercialized. I found that funny because what exactly does that mean? Have we shifted our attention away from our, "supposed" traditional messages of witchcraft and devil worship to that of corporate profit and greed? If true, then surly some confusion is going to ensue. Everybody knows at least one kid from when they were growing up whose parents didn't allow them to participate in the Halloween festivities because they thought the theme of the night was inappropriate. If that theme has changed - what are they supposed to think now? Halloween was at first bad but corporate greed is bad now as well so which one trumps the other? But how can corporations be so bad when they're supplying jobs? So they're actually good after all - right? Then again, corporate greed is bad but the answer to that is government regulation which used to be bad, but now is somewhat good! How the hell are we supposed to get through this maze?!

You know, I was never really that advanced in my thinking about Halloween. Funny me, all I ever thought about was getting bags of candy. To those worried parents out there who wondered what went on during trick or treat- this may come as a shock - I never came across any home where I was asked to drink goat's blood, cast spells, or pledge undying devotion to Lucifer. There, it's out in the open. That might have been interestingly scary, but it never happened - not even close. We just walked around in our cheap plastic costumes collecting candy, packets of crackers, and maybe a few pieces of fruit that we would eventually throw back into the person's yard later in the evening. That was it - no devil, no spells, pretty boring. 

I don't even remember  having any sort of discussions with my friends about what the evening meant to them. And the closest thing to evil we ever saw was the Butter Knife Twins - who received their namesake for carrying around butter knives in order to scare other kids. And they weren't even that bad because all they ever did was grab some pieces of candy from our bags and walk off.

Anyway, I do have one problem with the commercialization and it involves the decorations.  First Christmas - now Halloween! I'm tired of it. Everywhere my idiot owner and I go on our nightly walks - we see homes decorated with orange and purple lights and large inflatable characters. When did all this happen? Wasn't it bad enough waiting until April for our neighbors to take down their Christmas lights that we felt the need to up the ante? You know people are lazy by nature and will probably put one set of lights on top of the next. Then we'll have red, green, white, orange and purple lights strung in some sort of hybrid seven month celebration. Now that's scary!

I say we go back to just taping a few cardboard cutouts in the front window and maybe a pumpkin or two on the front porch. It's simple to decorate, easy to clean up, and comes with less societal confusion. Besides, at least then parents can go back to their traditional worries and excuses since it's hard telling little Bobby he can't trick or treat due to the evil corporations and their greed. Even little kids know that argument doesn't jive. Have a great day!

Sarah Palin is looking for a job?

I heard that Sarah Palin posted her resume on Linkedin so I decided to check it out.  After carefully reviewing her skills and accomplishments, I've decided to bring her in for a interview for the highly prestigious position of, " Stool Wrangler" picking up my droppings around the compound - usually twice a day. If selected, Ms Palin will be required to show up mornings and early evenings - seven days a week - ready and enthusiastic for work. She will follow me as I make my morning and evening patrols and clean as needed. What is really needed for her new position is reliable transportation and a true commitment to excellence because my owner will supply the tools of the trade - scooper and plastic deployment bags. That is unless she is hard core and does not choose to work with tools.

I am pleased to be one of the, "Real Americans"  trying to help the former Governor get back on her feet during this time of change. I am also looking forward to a long working relationship if she is fortunate enough to make it through my vetting process. 

Ms Palin will be facing stiff competition though because I'm also planning on bringing in former Texas Representative, Tom DeLay - fresh off the dance circuit
, and former Presidential candidate, champion of the environment, inventor of the internet, and all around good guy - Al Gore. The battle should be intense! Let the best man/woman win!