Monday, April 13, 2009
Funny, I'm feeling completely stressed out lately. I think it has something to do with the idiot owner still hanging around all day unable to find any meaningful employment. While I'm outside patrolling the grounds he is watching me. No doubt making some kind of uninformed judgement about my performance. Man I hate when people look over my shoulder as I work. Maybe I should walk off the job to send a message. I did it once before years ago when the gardeners left the gate open after cutting the lawn. I can recall the pure glee that I experienced bounding out that gate into the uncharted free world. The air was immediately fresher. The breeze - cool as fresh ocean air rolling in during an evening cool down. My snout was experiencing fragrances sharp as those given off after a Summer's rainstorm. I felt alive! Just as I got out I noticed a possum that had been taunting me for over a year in the neighbor's front yard across the street. Man, everything appeared to be coming together. I made my plan to mimic the big cats of the Serengeti that I had witnessed while the big Duffus was watching his learning shows - not that they would ever help him. Anyway, as I started my slow approach across the street to administer a sweet, long sought after dose of justice, some sort of monster with two bright glowing eyes as bright as the sun came barreling towards me. It had to have been about nine feet in height and seven to eight feet wide. Wow those bright devil eyes were mesmerizing! I was frozen by them. I braced for the impact but just as I was about to be run over there was this blaring noise accompanied by a high pitched prolonged squeal with bursts of what sounded like hissing. I closed my eyes but when I reopened them I found out that I had not been trampled. I was shaking - took a few seconds to compose myself. When I did get back onto the pavement, there where two old human ladies waiting to grab me by the collar. I fought to break loose but their human hands with opposable thumbs (damn opposable thumbs!) were too much for me. After a few overzealous pats to my head, they inspected my tags to find my address. Unfortunately for me, those two meddling biddies decided to take me back to the house, put me in the yard and shut the gate. I think I heard that damn possum laughing as they escorted me back. Just when I'd thought it was all over, I heard those old hags go to the front door. They ratted me out to the owner and also read him the riot act about the responsibilities of dog ownership. I'm sure he just stood there dumbfounded as usual - blank stare - trying to figure out what they were telling him. I heard him say that his dog was in the yard to which the old ladies said that they had just put me back inside the gate. He eventually thanked them and then came outside to inspect the gate and give me the ole stink eye. Well that was the end of it - I was back safe and sound and the village idiot quickly got over being upset with me. Not long after that we moved to a side street with less traffic. I often wonder what happened to that monster that passed by that night and why it had decided to spare me. From time to time I have heard it's monstrous shrieking off in the distance but for some reason it doesn't appear to ever come down our street. Maybe it was afraid of me? I may have more power than I think. Maybe it doesn't dare to come down my street because it knows I am here. I guess there is one way to find out. I should try to get out and confront the monster again. Of course I may be wrong and then what? Also, the gardeners are not working for us anymore and the nit-witted owner checks the latch on the gate all the time. Just my luck - not bright enough to find a job but smart enough to keep me locked in. It sure is thick my friends ... it sure is thick! Have a good day!