Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What's going on across the street?

In my role as security expert here on the compound, I am expected to keep a vigilant eye out for suspicious events going on around our neighborhood. Of course whether anyone listens to me is an entirely different matter. For example, I was the only one who knew  what was going on the night our house was being TP'd by kids. Unfortunately, my efforts to inform the family went ignored. I was also the only one who heard funny sounds from next door the night the Winchester Widow's home was being burglarized. Of course - once again the idiot owner  didn't listen to me and just stayed in bed. So tonight I'm sitting her wondering why I have been ignored and what I need to do to get some action around here.

I'm thinking that maybe its a volume problem. Maybe I just need to elevate my call to arms with more gusto. Hold on - I think I hear a cat outside. This may be a good time to try something new- it's about 12:30 am and everyone  is in bed. Let me sound the alarm and I'll report back. Hold on...

Ok, that didn't work - raising the volume didn't get anyone to respond. All I got was a stern warning to keep quiet from the big ninny. But wait... I'm hearing the neighbor from down the street walking Snickers the Labradoodle in front of our home again. The owner should be concerned with this - shouldn't he? I'll sound the alarm and see if anyone stirs this time.
Hold on... I'll be right back

Ok, nobody seems to care about the Labradoodle. Apparently the owner is too tired to come out of the bedroom and investigate but he did manage to throw a house slipper in my direction this time. I think  that maybe we're making some progress here. Maybe the key is persistence - yeah, persistence makes things happen. Oh -oh... I  think I hear Buford the possum in front of the house. The owner should really be concerned because I think that lousy possum is the one eating his wife's flowers.  I'll sound the alarm once more to see if the big dummy will come to help defend the homestead. hold on...  I'll report right back...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile - 

Ok, change of plans. I'm now talking to you from my training crate here in the laundry area. The good news is that my barking got a response. The bad news...  Anyway, from my crate I can clearly see the neighbor's house across the street. It appears that a large truck has pulled up in front and a whole bunch of guys have gotten out to apparently help move all of the neighbor's furniture from the house into the truck. Funny, I didn't even know he was looking to move. Boy it sure is refreshing to see people helping each other out  - especially at this late hour. This guy must really have some great friends who...  Oh ...  ah... never mind. Ok, I'm going to get myself to sleep now. Good night everyone!

Don't be lemmings

Not sure what all the hubbub was all about but the goof-ball owner made a big deal of displaying our flag all day Monday. Surprisingly, the neighbors followed his lead by first putting up their own flags and then later by adopting his sloth like way by taking the day off. I'm guessing that laziness must be in vogue these days. Well, there goes the neighborhood! Before you know it, the whole block will be stacked three deep with unemployed bumpkins watching Judge Judy, yelling out windows to devil children, and stuffing their faces full of Funyons.  All the while, their lawns will grow unchecked, their clothes will hang in state on front porch wash-lines, and their burnt out Christmas lawn decorations will become unrecognizable from an eternal sun bleaching process. Boy, I just can't wait!

I'm wondering also about the other habits these fools might adopt from my idiot owner. They can start by copying his distinguished look which matches one tight tee shirt with an overly baggy pair of pants. Do keep in mind that the pants need to be worn high over the stomach - around chest height. Ideally - we are trying to achieve the illusion of a walking pear. Oh and don't forget to complete the look by adding black colored socks and open toed sandals. Now that's hot!

 After nailing the look, it's time to address the attitude. That's best accomplished by discontinuing the useless communication process we call self-editing. Don't worry about offending people because you're now a straight shooter who calls it as you see it. If anyone is offended, chalk it up to their inability to see things in a rational manner or their overly sensitive nature. Most importantly - remember that you're God's gift to humanity. Good luck to those of you who choose to join this parade of fools. As for me - I'm thoroughly disgusted!