Monday, July 19, 2010

Damn Roof Rats...

So I'm outside last night enjoying the cool evening breeze when Pat the roof rat decides he's going to stroll down the power line from the kumquat tree onto our roof. As I watched - I felt the embers of madness well up inside me. The voice in my head kept saying over and over... How dare he! After a few moments of disbelief I couldn't contain my anger anymore and absolutely went ballistic - barking in a manner that would have surely put my grandmother into the grave if she were still alive today. No doubt my words would have made any sailor dogs blush but I just couldn't help it. I mean, where does that little vermin get off thinking that he can just waltz right into the compound - just like that - ON MY WATCH! I may be getting a little older but not so much so that I'd stand by and just let any old interloper come into our secured area!

I don't even know what the hell he was doing up there! I think he was travelling over to the lemon tree whose branches are now touching the roof. The big buffoon owner has been shirking his duties lately - no doubt -lazing the Summer away. Big surprise - the only thing that makes that fat fool move these days is the sound of an ice cream truck coming down our block. Pathetic!

OK, I'm off to get a ladder to see if the little rat fink is still on the roof. Have a great day!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Hot day in Burbank!!!

Wow, it's scorching here in Burbank! I was out for a total of about a half hour today - mainly in the morning. On days like this, I refuse the moron as he asks if I want to go outside. Instead, I just look at him like the jerk he is until he gives up and moves on to whatever idiocy he fancies. Have a great day folks!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Hello Again.

Sorry for my long absence - I've been attending to pet based real estate. There are an alarming amount of displaced family pets due to the recession so I've been helping these poor souls find and sell their homes. I guess their human owners are no longer in a position to take care of them so pets are being released to find homes elsewhere.
Needless to say pet unemployment is now staggering as all these displaced dogs and cats look for new employment. No bailout for us - sorry. I only wish the big moron would release me from the personal service contract I must have signed when I was a pup. Wait... do I have a contract? Hum... I'll have to check into that.

Anyway, I still dislike the big buffoon and his little abomination of a Shih Tzu.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I've got four years to train for the next winter Olympics...

Inspired by what I had witnessed for weeks on the television, I began my golden journey. With cut 2 x 4 s slung across my back I climbed to the top of the compound's highest roof. The hot Southern California sun baking my corneas and warm choking smog smothering my snout - I started the construction of the mother of all ski jumps. For weeks I have toiled from dawn until dusk until finally... today my work is done. I now vow on this day of days that I shall practice ski jumping off the roof of the compound for the next four years and qualify for the 2014 Sochi Olympics. This will of course put me at 15 years - a time when most dogs my age are well under ground but I remain hopeful and energized. Besides, I'm still in pretty good shape and I have grit.

There is one problem about Southern California winter ski jumping and that is the limited amount of snow in the area. To remedy this I have been collecting the furriest and fattest feral cats from around the Burbank area to use as a landing surface. And the numbers have been adding up as I try to cover the length of the landing point and depth of cushion for this ninety-five pound dog plus equipment. I just hope the local supply keeps up with my daily training. OK, I'm off for my fist session. See you in four years on the podium in Sochi! I'll be the one in the fur coat.

Monday, January 25, 2010


"Get your furry butt in here!" he screamed - shivering in the doorway trying unsuccessfully to keep dry. Defiant, I slowed my pace letting the glorious freedom shower caress me in its loving embrace. I strolled slower still, keeping my gaze upon his beet red face for I knew he was about to explode. Oh how I loved torturing the fool owner the past few days it rained. They say we are in for more this week! Ah, good times... good times.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Feeling good...

Got the world on a string here. Finally have the wind at my back so it's full steam ahead. I figure if I keep on my current path - I'll soon be one of those who wears bedsheets all day because they're too big to fit into regular clothes. Oh, happy day!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Put down the crack pipe and hear me out...

OK, second day of January and some things are coming to light already. I'm guessing about 85% of you out there have already broken your New Years Resolution. It probably went something like this:

12:00am New Years - in celebration you throw cigarettes, cheeseburgers, crack pipe, or whatever out the window vowing to never touch said items again.

12:15am - first twinge of regret comes on - people ask what's wrong - you stare straight ahead.

12:45am - first look out window to see if anyone picked up the items.

3:00 am - party is over you lie in bed staring at ceiling telling yourself that you will make it through this.

6:00 am - you find yourself driving like gangbusters to the nearest 7/11, McDonalds, or crack house in order to purchase that which your heart desires. So what the hell went wrong?

The problem was that somewhere along the night you realized that true change does not come with just making a quick declaration and half hearted display. No, true change needs to be deeper than that so your efforts go out the window realizing that even though the calender has changed, you are still the same cancer patient in training, fat slob, or crack head you were the day before. So how does one change?

The answer I believe is first finding worth in oneself. One must love him/herself first in order to stop the destructive behavior. Easier said than done right? Probably, but people don't go about it the right way either. People believe that in order to love themselves they must chant endlessly, or buy the items they want in order to demonstrate love and worth. This of course is wrong because no matter how many times you parade in front of the mirror with the new coat you've been dying to have - you'll still be the same A-hole - just in a new coat.

No, I believe the way to personal salvation is to go out and help others. First., it will validate to your subconscious that you are indeed a good person inside. Additionally, you'll have the added benefit of reclaiming your good feeling every time you run into the person you helped for they will always be glad to see you. Now expand this to a few hundred people and you will be one of your town's favorite persons. You will be receiving thanks and smile's everywhere you go. Once your mind recognizes that you are indeed good - the destructive behavior should stop because you will have a new appreciation for yourself.

OK, so this was a simplistic answer for complex behaviors, but what if it worked for some people. Most of us have fallen into the me, me trap which has resulted in lot of unhappy people. Maybe the key is to think of other first. Or maybe I should shut the hell up and mind my own business. Oh well, enjoy your vices then. Happy New Year!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

Oh thank God 2009 is over! What a crappy year for the shrinking middle class. And we here on the idiotville compound felt the effects as well. The big doofus spent most of the year unemployed and his wife received her lay off notice as a teacher. Thankfully hers was rescinded otherwise I probably would have found myself in the drop off cage at the animal shelter. At eleven years - I'd be gassed for sure. Oh, and lets not forget the acquisition of the abomination shih tzu puppy to remind me that my replacement is in training. 2010 can only get better - right?