Monday, August 31, 2009

I've been thinking...

So how many of you out there are doing what you wanted or dreamed of doing? I never thought that security was the best option for me but being that I'm a dog- my options were limited. I've stated before that I would love to be a travel writer - crossing the globe, trying new foods and meeting new people. Unfortunately - that dream doesn't appear very likely since I'm pushing eleven and life is kind of winding down. I guess I shouldn't complain - it could have been worse. I could have been an anal thermometer cleaner - no offense to you anal thermometer cleaners out there. I know the big doofus isn't exactly where he wanted to be at this time in his life. Not sure what he wanted but he does have the physique of an Elvis impersonator.  Have a great night folks!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Stuck inside...

Can't believe I'm stuck inside the house with the big idiot, the abominable puppy, and the rest of the bunch! Why? Because somewhere along the way the sun decided to position itself about ten feet away from Burbank and some nut jobs decided it would be a great idea to set the hills ablaze. Now all those poor people up in hills are worrying about their homes and everyone else in the area are choking from the heat and ash in the air. This leaves our household cooped up as well in Casa de fool looking at each other. If I hear another person ask if anyone wants to play checkers - I'm going to drop a deuce on the floor just to break up the monotony. I tell you - I'm completely disgusted and plan to go out in the back yard - damn the air quality - and lie in my dog hole for the rest of the night!

Saturday, August 29, 2009


It's magical stuff seeing the big idiot suffer the consequences of his new little abomination. He asked for it - he got it and I'm loving it! I get to see that little scowl come across his face whenever the little guy poops on the floor , or better yet, grabs the moron by the toe with razor sharp puppy teeth. I'm sure the owner must really be  appreciating me right around now. I especially love it when the pup makes a jail break when someone opens the front door - causing absolute pandemonium to break out as all the family members drop what they're doing to run after him. He then runs a serpentine course around the front yard in order to avoid all the pursuers - it's gold I tell ya - pure gold!

Ok, I'm going out back to bask in the glory of the pleasant outdoors knowing that somewhere inside the little guy is probably chewing on the door casing or baseboard molding. Once the big goofball sees that - surely that little twitch we all love so much will return to his eye  once again. You just have to love people who live to punish themselves... absolute pure gold!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What's with the lack of posts?

Just haven't had it in me to do any posts lately. I've been spending all my time in the back yard on squirrel patrol. There are these lousy squirrels that eat the fruit from the tree in the corner of the yard. They eat constantly - stopping only to give me hell when I approach to check out what's going on. The little bastards click their teeth whenever I get close - it's very annoying. One even had the nerve to tell me to beat it. I was so enraged that I started to try and climb the tree-  forgetting that I'm on the upside of ten and probably should be watching my blood pressure. 

Oh, well - it's good to get angry now and then. My Grandpa Frank used to say that he felt better when he was angry. He also said that when he started to feel bad - his hate level was slipping so he would need to find something to piss himself off again. I guess I take after him to some degree but I don't have to  look for things to make me angry - he's always around. I'm talking about the big idiot that calls himself my owner.  Ok, I better get going - my hate level is rising again which means I'm feeling better. Have a great day folks!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Traval Series - Spotlight Coplay, PA

Needing a vacation - and also wanting to try and understand why the dimwit owner is the way he is I decided to sneak out this past weekend and venture off to his old stomping grounds of Coplay, PA to see what could be in the air, water, etc. that could turn a human being into this thing that calls itself my owner. My weekend in Pennsylvania gave me a few insights but unfortunately it did not fully explain the lump that props itself up on the couch every night at home. Well - nobody can say I didn't try. Anyway here is the story.

Just a bit of background first on Coplay - it is a small community of about 3,000 people nestled in the green Lehigh Valley area of eastern Pennsylvania. The history of Coplay is comprised of blue-collar immigrants from Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and the Ukraine. They had mainly come to work at one of the first Portland cement mills built in 1866 in the United States. The photo above is of the kilns from that plant - which are still standing today. Today, the local area has shifted from manufacturing to now reflect a service-oriented economy, which is inline with the rest of the Allentown/ Bethlehem/ Easton Area.

Ok, so I began my journey by sneaking out of the house and making my way to our local airport here in Burbank. After a short look around, I was able to find an old abandoned pet carrier that was about my size and after a few choice markings on the outside - I boarded the crate and proceeded to bark my head off until I caught one of the baggage handler's attention. Once discovered, I was quickly put on the next plane bound for Allentown airport. I guess nobody wanted to explain to his or her superior why a beloved family pet was left out at the Burbank airport for who knows how long. Better to ship me and let the Allentown people sort it out was no-doubt the plan. 

Once in Allentown, I departed my pet carrier and made my way to the sleepy Borough of Coplay about five miles away. Walking down the main street of Coplay, I soon realized where some of the owner's madness came from since I swear I didn't see any cars for about five to ten minutes at a time. The owner might have gone partially mad enduring the unlimited supply of boredom growing up here I figured as I walked the lonely streets. 

Eventually my walk led me to a wonderful hot dog shop on 2nd street called Binnies Dog House. Walking in through the front door, I experience smells that completely fascinated my nasal senses. Man - this food must be straight from God I thought - chili cheese hot dogs and pierogies marinated in onions and butter! My, my, my I absolutely needed to get my paws on some of that! Like many of the small food establishments in that area - it wasn't much to look at - just an old ordinary house and the inside was not much to look at either - just a few coolers with soda cans, water, and stands of potato chip bags. Outside of that it was just a few customers and a few people working the grill. Not sure of what they were thinking when I entered but they didn't appear to mind. Donna the woman behind the counter thought I was cute and proceeded to fill my gullet with all manner of delicious food. I sure wish I'd get that kind of service here in Burbank. Oh well, maybe this place wasn't too bad after all I thought. Anyway - with all the food fare - I was in dog heaven - pardon the pun! 

On the way out of the hot dog shop I stumbled over a man who would eventually become my traveling companion/ tour guide for the night. His name was Rudy and he was a tall gangly specimen of a man who spit as he talked through his yellow cigarette stained teeth. He also kept turning his head to the side as he talked - apparently so he could see around his unkempt - long grey and brownish hair. Uh, hello - uh-little doggie - he said as I was coming out. Do you have a home or would you like to come ahome with me hear naw? When he said hear naw his voice quivered and grew louder. Funny - he had some kind of weird accent even though he said he was born and raised in Coplay. The owner doesn't have that accent so I'm not sure what that was about.

Well Binnies at least explained the owner's physique but I wanted to find out where his general goofiness came from. I saw some of it in Rudy but it was different. I wondered if they might have been related. Rudy soon recommended that we stop by somewhere to get a drink.  He suggested a place he called the Log Cabin. I have lots of friends in there hear naw - he said as he walked faster to get his drink quicker. The Log Cabin is an establishment that has been serving the area for longer than most locals can remember. It's a great place to have small conversation, shoot darts or a game or two of pool. The main food item served is the local version of the Philadelphia Cheese steak that comes topped with marinara sauce and a side of french fries of deep fried pirogies. If you haven't figured by now - pierogies are everywhere you go in this area. These people are complete pierogi nuts - and they serve them in many different ways - pan fried, deep fried, sauteed, baked, or even bathed in a marinara sauce.  

As for beverages, the drink of choice is this area is the locally brewed Yuengling brand beer - which by the way is also America's oldest brewery. One has not lived until he or she has had a pint of this wonderful brew into their intestinal waiting room! Overall the clientele at the log cabin were a basic folksy group who enjoy each other's company - a bit loudly if I might add. If one can get past the smoke cloud that is the bar area - I recommend chewing the fat with Butch the bartender who can supply all manner of stories about the place and Coplay in general. That is of course until he is forced to throw one of the local out for unruly behavior. In this case, it was my companion Rudy who received the Ole heave -ho after screaming around the bar in a mixture of German and English something about his Aunt being a bitch hear naw! He then proceeded to scream outside about how he was not going to take this sh_t from anyone and emphasized it with a thunderous, "hear naw!" Not sure what - hear naw means but it sure is entertaining emphasis. Overall, the bar crowd was a fun bunch who liked to smoke cigarettes like they were going out of style but they were not overly goofy like my moron. Also, when I asked around - nobody could remember my village idiot. This surprised me since he should have really stood out around this place. I'm wondering now if my guy hasn't been lying about his history now that I think about it. Anyway - I decided to continue on. 

The last stop on my whirlwind Coplay tour was the owner's grade school up on fifth street - a Roman Catholic school. One look at the place gave me chills down my spine as I walked by at night-time. A large multi-floored building (pictured below) it looked erie in the night with the moonlight. I could almost still hear all the screams from a hundred years of hot ruler strikes to unruly children. Rudy didn't seam to mind, he was busy stumbling down the street saying how I should meet his mom - hear naw. She likes doggies - hear naw - but not as much as his old uncle something or other who isn't around anymore - hear naw! We passed the school and Rudy had evidently reached his home since he fell into the bushes to sleep the rest of the evening away. I did hear him say one more time that his aunt was a bitch - hear naw before he passed out to sleep the evening off. 

Well, I had had enough of this place so I headed back to the airport in order to start my journey back home to Burbank. Getting back was not as easy since my original container had been stowed away somewhere. This made me stuff myself into a container meant for a beagle so half my body stuck out of the crate. Funny how nobody seamed to notice or care. Oh well, eventually I made it home and luckily the family was none the wiser since they were all too busy attending to the puppy to notice me gone. Well at least I know I can get away now when I want. I'm heading to Hawaii next time I get a chance. No need to get back to PA Dutch country anymore. Nothing against the area - just been there and done that - hear naw!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Are you ready for some doofus?

Well, here we go again - the doofus gets home from work and it's right off to the television to watch the football game. This guy is an absolute nut! Now we get to hear about Eagles this, Giants that, and NFC East is better that this or that division. It's enough to make the rest of the family leave for the season. If that's not bad enough - the big doof will soon be huddling with his collection of papers, goofball friends, and nutty relatives for their annual draft. Oh, God forbid that you walk into that room when the brainiac bunch is in session. And woe to the person or animal who dares to disturb the big goon when he is trying to use his collective IQ of 3 to make his pick. It's not like he can even make a good pick anyway - he hasn't ever won his league - never even come close. Oh well - at least he doesn't play for money - otherwise the family would be known as the barrel family - since that is all we would be wearing with his luck. Say, whatever happened to the image of poor people wearing barrels anyway? Huh - never see that anymore. 

But I digress, anyway the ones who truly suffer through this time of year are the families of these nut-jobs since they are the ones who are forced to tread lightly whenever there is a game. In our case we suffer most the weeks that the dingbat's fantasy team loses - which is most of them. Then the big baby will pout the whole night and expect some kind of special dinner because he had a bad day. I don't go for any of this  - oh poor baby stuff .... I'm more like - get the hell out of here! Grow a set and get on with life you big idiot. If your fantasy team's loss is the worst thing to happen on a given weekend then I'd have to say that you're doing better than most - goodnight!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Summer time and the living is easy...

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but I've been living the high life. Who would have thought - huh? I originally imagined that having a new puppy was going to be a bad thing but man was I wrong. This is great - the doofus and his wife are so busy running after that puppy that I run show around here now. My favorite part is pilfering all the food that is left out when they leave their plates unattended  in order to redirect the little one. My food intake has definitely gone up!

So lately I've been basking in the silence that has come with the big idiot working again and the kids off doing summer activities. All this has led to extended naps and general laziness - so sorry - no writing.  But the kids start school next week so I should be energized enough to get back on my usual writing schedule.

I am getting along with the little dog but he tires me with all his energy. He always wants to jump on me or have me chase him. He doesn't realize that I'm a senior citizen. Oh well, a few well placed growls have put him in his place so we are making progress. Ok, that's all for now - have a great day!