Thursday, March 10, 2011

I need a Vacation...

"I'm sorry but I just can't understand what your saying" was the last words I heard before the click of the phone and subsequent humming of the mocking phone receiver. Shocked, dismayed, I sat for a few seconds - mouth agape - trying to collect my thoughts. How dare that know-nothing travel agent... how dare she hang up on me! As I tried to collect my composure I felt the hairs of my back stand up on end meaning that small abomination of a Shih Tzu must be by my side. "Not now" I said pushing him away. "Are we going to Mechico?" he asked pouncing on his shadow. "No, we're... I'm not!" I shot back. "Go chase your tail or something." OK, OK, OK" I heard him repeating while bounding off into the living room. This was of course followed by the ever sickening sound of those simpleton humans all saying how cute he was. Out of all the dumb things those meat bags do - I really hate that most of all! Makes me want to empty the contents of my stomach each and every time.
Anyway, I had been trying to tell that moron from the cruise line that I wanted an Ocean View Stateroom for April 4th 2011 for $389 on the Carnival funship - Paradise. But each time I tried - all she kept repeating was that she couldn't understand me. I ask you, how freakin hard is it to understand a common household dog when they are speaking calmly and clearly? And I was really looking forward to getting away for 4 days to Baja Mexico! Away from the diseased critters, away from the humans - especially that big idiot owner! Instead I'm here, busy season about to start - a nervous wreck! This was my last chance to get away before all the local woodland vermin get energized by the warm weather and start parading into the compound in droves - doing God knows what in our bushes and trees!
And it's not like I have any decent help around here. Funny me, I always thought that when I reached the golden years of my career, the idiotic owner would get a good replacement dog to help me out around here. But nooooo, I get Captain Short Attention Span as a helper. I tell you, and mark my words -this whole place is really going to fall to pot when I'm gone! Can you believe that tiny patch of fluff actually invited that lowlife Sammy the squirrel into our back yard to play yesterday?! To play!... Play!! A common disease carrier and he wants to PLAY with it! I tell ya I read them both the riot act! And now I'm all nerves! Hair has been falling out in clumps the past few days and now this to boot. Oh the owner keeps saying something about my losing my winter coat but I know better. There's just one thing left to do... and that's call Royal Caribbean! Boy, I can taste that midnight buffet already! Wish me luck!