Friday, December 25, 2009

I got the Christmas fiend but...

Well, my plans to stop the fat man in the red and white outfit were foiled once again. I was taking my nap last night when all of a sudden I awoke to the sound of jingling bells. I walked towards the living room and saw the large red rump of the trash fiend in front of our tree. That bastard was at it again - dropping his scrap where it wasn't wanted!

I braced myself and let loose with a barrage of snarls and barks that would eventually bring stirrings from all the bedrooms of the house. Knowing that I was about to unleash hell, the fat twit whirled around and quickly tried to hush me by putting his finger up to his lips and saying I was going to wake the household. Of course there was no way I was going to let this interloper run the show so I darted at him with all the power of my being. It was here that he turned and ran to the door yelling, "Haley, stop... it's me... it's me!" I pondered for a moment how he knew my name but decided instead to focus on the task at hand and sank my teeth into his rotund derriere before he got out the back door. Just as I was about to tear a chunk, I heard the shrieking of the small human boy behind me. He was screaming for me to let Santa alone! Santa, I thought? Who the hell is Santa? Oh well, no matter. I had effectively protected the household from the Christmas trasher and surely would be considered the conquering hero. I may even get an extra helping of Christmas ham I thought to myself. Oh, and of course the big doofus owner was nowhere to be found through all of this - useless as ever!

Eventually the village idiot did arrive - limping into the living room from his bedroom with a beat red face. He looked to be holding back tears which I mistakenly took as tears of joy from my selfless act of protection. Instead, he seamed to be pissed about something and so chased me outside with a barrage of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. That's the thanks I get for protecting the household I thought! To calm myself -I walked around the backyard to try an pick up the trail of the fleeing scoundrel. There was a few droplets of blood that led to the back sliding glass door leading to the idiot's bedroom. I guess that fat bastard must have escaped back into the house when I got kicked out. At first I thought that I should bark to warn the occupants inside but eventually decided to let the fiend trash the house if all I was going to get was troubles for my efforts.

Sure enough, all the scrap was once again piled up in front of the tree this morning! The trash man had indeed delivered. I hope they're all happy now! Good for them. I'm sure as hell not going to clean that mess up. And can you believe that the big fool was still ticked at me? For some reason for he just sat there giving me the stink eye all morning. He must have thrown his back out or something because he's been walking funny all day. Oh well, he'll recover.

As for the man in red and white - I'm sure the justice I dispensed will make him think twice next year! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year folks!