Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Welcome back doofus...

Well, the idiot owner is back from his trip back east and thank God I have access to the computer once again. Back in black is listed above for two reasons  - first because it represents the color of my mood now that my personal village idiot owner has returned and secondly Mr IQ of six  has seen fit to come back from his trip (probably an awards ceremony celebrating America's dumbest people) packing on an extra ten pounds from eating all the greasy foods he grew up on. Now he's taken to wearing black clothes to make himself look thinner until he loses the weight. I tell you - he's completely ridiculous because if he just put half the amount of effort into losing weight as he does concealing himself up he'd probably have Sally Struthers campaigning late nights on his behalf.

Ok, have a great day folks!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Off the grid...

I may not be posting much from now until the middle of next week because the big doofus owner is planing on taking the computer with him to work for the next few days. That said, I'll be having limited access from here on. I may be able to squeeze in a post or two late at night while he is having his moronic beauty sleep but poor sap would be needing something on the lines of Rip Van Winkle just to get borderline normal looking. Anyway, do check now and again.

 I did have a good day on patrol - no interlopers lately since all that damn fruit is off the trees out back. It sure is a relief not having to bark like an idiot  all day in order to scare off the squirrels and those fascist green parrots. Now I can have a vacation. Have a great day folks!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Rewind the tape...

Once again we all meet at our favorite day of the week. We sit dejected at out desks/posts - the weekend's supply of alcohol slowly worked out of our systems. We now trudge forward painfully into the blackness of another damn workweek. I'm sure everybody out there has been annoyed by at least one or two of their idiot coworkers by this time of the day . You know the people of which I speak- the ones who live for work because that's all they have in their pathetic little existences. They move about - every ounce of their being devoted to how far up the boss's bum they can squeeze their overly inflated heads. They are the absolute worst sort - company people. They are the ones who question why you took the extra pen or pad because you just got some the other day. They're also the same people who informed the boss of that schedule conflict thus preventing you from taking that dream vacation you had planned. Lastly, they are the ones who bring the worst smelling lunch - stinking the joint up - talking with their mouths full - spitting their foul concoctions into your face giving non-stop direction for the eight hours you are there. I tell you - I really need to start my own business! Have a good day.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday question of the week... #2

With all the current specialty dog food brands - IAMS, Eukanuba, etc. on the market - would ALPO still be considered a good/heathy dog food brand? Before chiming in -let us not forget that old, "Duke" lived to be something like 120 years old in human years eating only ALPO or so said Lorne Greene in the old commercials.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Taunting the fool...

After a long week of security patrols here on the compound, I'm really looking forward to relaxing over the weekend. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do but I'm pretty sure it involves nothing. Not only that, I plan on lying on the grass while the moron slaps on his work clothes and goes about yard work just so he can see me doing nothing. Then every chance I get I'll get in his way as he mows the lawn - because I can. I can do so without fear of his little electric green machine since he wouldn't dare run me over and if he did - I'm not too sure it would do any damage anyway. You can not comprehend my shame watching him outside  each and every week wearing his dark shorts, black socks, and stretched  out  v-neck tee shirt pushing that contraption around the yard. All the rest of the block gets buff gas machines and I got the fat version of Ed Begley Jr outside doing the sissy mower dance of the doofus around the front yard. Oh well, I guess I'll be drinking plenty of tequila this weekend! Have a great weekend folks!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

So what's the big deal...

The owner and his wife were watching the new Leno show tonight at 10pm. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about since it appears that all they did was move Conan's old show to the Tonight Show spot and the old Tonight Show was moved to 10 pm. 

The critics didn't like Leno's new show but what's the difference beside the loss of the interview desk? Maybe if the new show was about Jay having a tea party with some dolls or something  then we might have something truly new but this so called, "new" show is  just too much like his old show.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The big cool down...

Thank God that our fall temperatures are starting to return. After all the wildfires and the stifling heat wave that perched itself over Los Angeles the past month or so - I welcome the cooler air of the evening! You people out there should be happy that you all don't wear a damn fur coat 24/7 in the summer heat - it's the pits!. I would love to try out one of your flesh suits for a day or so and be able to sweat because panting isn't all it's racked up to be. Ok - I'm off to drink some cool refreshing blended drinks on the patio! Cheers!

Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm outdoors you know...

And that is where I'm going to stay! I'm tired of that little dog always coming after me so I'm staying outside in my dog hole and refusing to come inside. If anyone wants to adopt me - I'm soooooooo available. I just require that whoever shows up to claim me not have any other dog and that you come and get me during the night when the goofball owner is asleep. I don't think that the doofus owner will mind me moving on but I don't want to take any chances so be absolutely quiet when you show up. I do require Iams lamb and rice dog food and a quiet place to sleep otherwise I'll consider it a deal breaker. 

I'm already packed and ready to go. I have my dog towel and my Dogzilla toys (available at Wallmart) - which I love more than anything in the world these days. Do you know that they make rubber toys with chicken flavoring -  I kid you not! Yes, and they have a rubber and rope tug toy that is fantastic for taking the smaller dog in your life and flinging him halfway across the yard to get your anger out. Did I just admit to that? Anyway, I've got my stuff packed and am ready to give you the best year to two that I have left as a loyal half-hearted watch dog. Oh, who the hell am I kidding - I'm going to eat your food and sleep the day away. I'm a senior citizen so that's the best I can promise. So come and get me if you want - I'm ready!

Mondays... Ok... all together now...

And he can see no reasons
'Cos there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be show-ow-ow-ow-own?

Tell me why
I don’t like Mondays
Tell me why

I don’t like Mondays
Tell me why 
I don’t like Mondays
I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down!

Ok, now that we got that out of the way - let's have a great day!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Saturday question of the week...

I've decided to try something new on Saturdays. I'm going to present a question for discussion and if you guys like it we'll keep it going. This week's question is, "How can we make dog owners clean up after their pets?" 

I'll get the ball rolling by saying that we should punish those owners the same way some out there discipline their dogs for going on the floor - by shoving their face in it. So who is with me on this?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Let's have some joy here people!

This morning on my daily walk with the big moron I spotted pure joy. It's not everyday one witnesses this type of enjoyment - especially in the morning during rush hour but it sure is refreshing. Anyway, as me and my walking food delivery system were going about our morning ritual we stopped at a crosswalk to wait for the light to change.

 At the same time, a car pulled up to the crosswalk with a heavyset young man - mid twenties with slick black hair. This young man was not alone for he was traveling with the whole cast of, "Mamma Mia"  or at least it sounded that way with the music blasting full tilt out his open windows. I don't believe he noticed any of us on the street or in the other cars waiting at the intersection because he was too busy enjoying himself. There was seat dancing, head flops from side to side, and hand and arm gestures out the open driver side window to accentuate his favorite moments of the song. I even thought I caught a glimpse of the white man's overbite but with my old eyesight - I'm not entirely sure.

The whole scene only lasted a few moments for the light changed and the man drove off into the morning  sunshine - joyously continuing his car dance along Magnolia Boulevard. Once the initial shock wore off and my mind was able to process what I had just seen - I smiled and thought how rare it is to see someone enjoying themselves out in public like that. Unfortunately my good feelings didn't last long. The big idiot brought me back to his reality by mumbling, "what a freak"  while shaking his head and pulling my leash to continue our walk. That is the difference right there! At that moment I would have much rather been driving down the street singing at the top of my lungs with Mamma Mia boy than to be doing the slow death march home with - the walking dark cloud. 

Anyway, it's Friday - the best day of the work week. Try to find some joy today - sing loudly, dance wildly, act silly - anything to get you and the people around you to enjoy the moment. Happiness is never overrated. Have a great day folks - I'm going to my dog hole to listen to Mamma Mia on my iPod!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Cut the crap already - you guys are all liars!

Wow, people are shocked on both sides of the aisle about South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson calling the President a liar during the President's speech last night. Too bad that afterwards Congressman Wilson apologized for his behavior saying that his emotions got away from him. Why apologize when you felt so strongly about it Joe? Come on now - you are a big boy - stand behind your original words. I'm really getting tired with people ringing the bell and then try to pretend it didn't happen or that they didn't mean it. Either learn to control yourself or stand up and defend your actions - don't wimp out.

Besides, it's not like lying politicians is something new to any of us - it's all part of the game is it not? They ALL lie because they can't realistically keep their promises and expect to maintain good relations with their campaign contributors and the general public. The struggle continues but let's at least recognize it for what it is.

I would much rather have seen Congressman Wilson having a, "Howard Beale" moment after the speech  saying something like,"Yes the President is a liar. Not only that, I'm a liar as well, and this whole damn chamber is full of liars! America needs to realize that their representatives will lie to get any extra favor or shekel! That's how we roll America - love it or leave it!" Yeah, I would have much rather had the media outlets talking about that than any possible fallout from his outburst. 

Besides, if we are to be distracted from any real debate on the issues - the least they can do is make it interesting. Maybe a UFC sanctioned match pitting some leading Democrats against their Republican rivals would fit the bill? Now that would be entertaining!

I want healthcare too...

I'm complaining  tonight because my idiot employer does not supply healthcare for me. Additionally, I'm not paid well enough to get the care on my own. I get paid in food, room and board and am dreadfully afraid to ever get sick. Unlike you humans, we pets get gassed when our ailments are more serious than just a regular office visit. Needless to say, I've been experiencing great stress over this.

Even when I get a chance to go to the vet - I don't ever get the chance to choose my doctor - I'm taken to whoever is closest or open. At this point in my life, I wouldn't mind a bureaucrat making some decisions around here because my owner is a complete moron! Maybe if he had purchased pet insurance for me back when I was younger I wouldn't have to hear now about how expensive it can be. Of course it is expensive when your older  thats when most people start to get sick. The key is to get your policy when you are young. If there is reform - I want in! Ok, have a good night folks!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Let's talk about Immortality...

Relax, this is not a discussion of how people achieve immortality from the biblical sense - I'm talking about how we are remembered here on earth after we are gone. I caught the big idiot owner looking at some of the old photos of his grandfather - who passed on some 25 years ago. The photos were from when he was in his twenties - back in the 1920's. This got me wondering - this man lived  a pretty long life but what is around today that proves he was here? A few children, grandchildren, some old pictures, and a gravestone - not much for eighty-some years of life. The bulk of his possessions were scattered to the world after his passing - some to relatives and friends - some to the landfill. If you asked around the town - where he spent his eighty some years - if anyone remembered him you might find and old timer or two who might. Otherwise his entire existence is just about lost to the world. Another twenty years should just about do it.

Some people care about these things - others not so much, and still others have never even thought about it for one reason or another. Since I am close to eleven or 77 in dog years - I'm just beginning to wonder about how the world  will remember me? First of all, I have no offspring because the doofus and family decided to give me the Bob Barker treatment so my family lineage stops here. Thankfully there are a few pictures of me out there but I don't think they will have quite the longevity of the old grandfather's pictures. Let's face it  - why would my idiot's grandchildren care about a dog that died twenty years before they were born? No, I'm resigned to the fate of slipping into oblivion - where the world will never even know that I existed. The one wild card is this blog and how long it may last out there in cyberspace. The internet is still too new to tell but I guess it may be catalogued somewhere out there and stumbled upon now and again but I won't be around to find out. 

I guess I could take my remaining days and try to do something great to put myself in the history books? But then again I don't really have the desire  - too much work. I guess I'll just spend the rest of my days rolling in the sun enjoying myself. Remember what Ferris said, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." So enjoy this while you can and to hell with being remembered! Viva oblivion!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

So it's Tuesday and the holiday is over... so what!

I refuse to be bullied today. I tell you - it's the same thing every time after every holiday. "Ok, it's back to work people - let's go  - you should all be rested!" Well I'm not rested - not even close. I've been playing the past few days and enjoying my extended weekend - I'm not in the mood to make up for the holiday by combining that day's missed work into today or any of the rest of the week for that matter. What's the use of having the holiday if I'm going to made sorry that I had off in the first place? No, I'm sorry boss  but you are the one who needs to adjust YOUR thinking. Even in our tight economy  - working your employees to death because you feel you have the advantage is bad form. And my owner can shove it if he feels I need to do double security patrols today! I'm going to go and read  the paper,  enjoy my coffee, and ease my way into the day. Have a great day folks!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Just phoning it in...

Ah yes, the Friday before a holiday. Is it really that important to show up on a Friday before a holiday? What is really going on anyway? Nothing - is the answer - absolutely - unequivocally nada, zip, zero, nilch. Ironically, the hardest work is actually coming from people trying to give the impression that they are indeed working. It would be better for them just to do their regular work load rather than subject themselves to the stress of their slothful ways  but that is the nature of humanity. As for us in the animal kingdom - we just do what we do. I see a lousy squirrel and I chase the damn thing no matter who is watching. That's how we roll. Have a great day - and get something done damn it!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Let's talk about beer...

Considering myself one of the great booze hounds of the world - I offer my loving ode to iced cold beer. One of my particular favorites is from the New Belgium Brewery in Fort Collins, Colorado called Fat Tire Amber Ale. The brewery's owner developed this Belgian style beer during his bike trip around Europe as he investigated the beer making process. This trip produced the name of what would become the flagship beer of the brewery - Fat Tire. Thank God for that odyssey because the resulting beer is absolutely astounding. Rich in both color and taste, once consumed - one will never look at the lighter American pilsners in the same way again - and I love pilsners. I learned of Fat Tire from my big idiot owner a few years ago when he brought a six pack home for his own personal enjoyment. It was probably one of the best things the Neandertal has ever done. I write this tonight from the back patio lounge - tipping back a few Fat Tires and listening to old Bon Jovi cds. Why? Because I can - that's why! Besides -it makes me happy so back off. 
So what kinds of beer do you guys live for and what is your preferred way of enjoying it?