Thursday, June 9, 2011

Squirrel Tales

"I shink itsh maybe a shircush" the little abomination of a Shih Tzu stated balancing himself on top of my back while trying to get a better view through the knothole in the fence. What?! I can't smell any animals out there you twit. Besides, what kind of circus has performers wearing orange jumpsuits and hard hats? My patience was really growing thin with the little Alpo remnant stain until he hopped down to track a bug that had caught his attention. Rolling my eyes, I walked off leaving Captain ADD to his idiocy while trying to find out what the hell was going on. I walked around to the other side of the yard to see if the view was any better at the other gate. It wasn't.

The  infernal banging and clanking accompanied by that malodorous stank had been going on for the past two days! The only  thing I knew is that it must be something official because the village idiot owner of had been complaining nonstop about not being able to park his contraption I like to call, " the idiotmobile" in front of the family compound. Anyway, all the family vehicles were now continuously parked in the driveway - blocking my view, thus making me employ the abomination as my minion. Since he proved himself to be of  lower intelligence than that damn bug he'd been chasing - I was forced to look elsewhere. Which brings me to Seymour Squirrel who was perched on top of the house watching everything - no doubt with a clear view.

"Hey Seymour" I called up. What do you want you...f#$*+n dog? He snarled, glaring straight ahead. "What's going on out there? I need to know." Oh, you need to know?... You need to know?... To know?!! Is that sorta like how I always try to use the yard and you chase me - need to know? Or is it like how you ripped off and ate Shirley's (girlfriend) tail - need to know?! " Don't you dare tell that damn dog anything! Shirley piped in from somewhere on the other side of the chimney. She uses it for balance these days. I scratched at the ground. "Yeah, about that, Shirley - you know I just can't let any old vermi... em -  animal onto the grounds... you know I could lose my job". I waited for a response but all I got was silence. I went on, "And as for the tail.... you know that was just an accident."  ACCIDENT?.... ACCIDENT!!!! Shirley shrieked. You swallowed the whole damn thing in one gulp! How the hell was that an accident?! I could hear a scuffling up on the roof and what sounded like Seymour holding her back. After a few moments Seymour poked his head over the roofline and calmly said that if I was curious about what was going on out there, I should just try to imagine what dog heaven was like... then multiply that by ten. That was what was going on out there. And if I wanted to know more, I should produce another squirrel tail to give to Shirley.

So here I am in my dog hole again, ground shaking, large vehicles rolling back and forth in front of the house, and that damn smell that just won't stop. Curiosity may have killed the cat but it won't get this dog! I'll find a way! All I need to do is catch another squirrel and take it's tail then I'm in baby! But where to find one? I was actually pretty lucky with Shirley in that she was too close to the fountain to hear me coming. I could always take the abomination's tail and spray it gray? But that would probably bring too much heat from that moronic owner so I should probably hold on to that idea as a last resort. Oh, and if any of you out there were wondering about Shirley's tail... it wasn't an accident! Wish me luck and have a great day!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Raise the Alarm... Intruder Alert!

Once again I've caught that no-good, orange jumpsuit wearing, peeping tom looking over the wall of the compound! Every month around the same time this interloper comes to the back perimeter of our property and peers over the fence to ogle the grey box on the back of the house with his little perverted eyes! The grey box? What the hell is that all  bout? I would at least understand if he was there to look at the human woman because she is quite the dish - but the box? Really?!

What kind of sick world are we turning into here where this kind of stuff is allowed to happen? I tell you I'm having no more of it. I sprung right to action - sounding the alarm and working myself up into a lather! I put on a display of showmanship that surely would have impressed those on the professional wrestling circuit. The only thing I could have done better was perhaps thrown a chair at the wall while he was enjoying his view. And he must have been because he was drawing or writing notes about his experience - sicko!

My commotion got the Little abomination of a Shih Tzu all worked up too because he came running outside through the dog door yelling, "bring it on, bring it on, bring it on!" For all his faults - that little piece of garbage displays some heart sometimes. That is until he realized what was going on. Once he saw the ruckus was on account of a human looking over the wall, he ran up to the fence and asked the intruder if he was here to play - wagging his little tail and spinning in circles. We'll need to work on intruder identification and focus.

Well, the pervert is gone now so I'm off to my dog hole to sleep off all this excitement. I'm getting too old for this type of nonsense. That abomination better catch on soon or I'll be forced to issue him a pink slip. Have a great day folks!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Own March Madness...

So it is spring here in Burbank, CA and true to form - it's been raining almost nonstop for the past week! This has resulted in a MAJOR increase in my doofus owner exposure and hope that stupidity is not contagious. Needless to say I'm completely disgusted with the situation. If not for my extreme dislike for all things water - I would be spending all my days and nights outside in my dog hole.

So while inside, I've been subjected to all the damn infernal talk of basketball, brackets, and upsets. The lazy lump of an owner has once again become one with his sofa and spends just about all of his time flipping from one channel to another - touching the remote with greasy chip fingers while surrounded by empty cheap beer can minions.

And wouldn't you just know that that little abomination of a Shih Tzu would be right there with him wearing his stupid little shirt that says, "Property of the Blue Devils" That little twit keeps chanting "Marsh Madness, Marsh Madness, Marsh Madness" all damn day long. I got so tired that I picked him up by his little blue shirt and dropped him in the toilet. You would think he would get the hint, but no, he thought it was great - giggling and screaming, "give me a schwirly, give me a schwirly, give me a schwirly!" What a damn fool!

All I can say is that somebody better turn off the rain soon so I can get the hell out other wise my March Madness will become permanent. I'm thinking that I'll go eat the remote so the fool owner has something to be upset about as well. I don't care - it probably tastes like potato chips anyway. OK, I'm off for a snack. Try to have a great day folks!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Radiation Reaches California?

"I don't want to wear the shuit, I don't want to wear the shuit, I DON"T WANT TO WEAR THE SHUIT!" the little abomination of a shih-tzu stomped as I placed the yellow fabric hood lined with aluminum foil over his head. "Listen to me - there is radiation everywhere and if we are to be the ones to make it through this and make our own dog planet - we all have to put on our radiation suits!" Unfortunately the fool wouldn't listen to me and ran off back into the house to be with the idiot owner and the rest of the family. "Fine, see how well they take care of you... when you're in their food bowls!" I screamed as he raced off.

All morning long, the long line of neighborhood dogs has been coming and going from the compound - showing up to get the life saving radiation suits I've been making in my dog hole ever since I first heard about the problems in Japan. You see, I'm not so naive to miss the writing on the wall. I know that when the radioactive clouds start spreading out over your major cities, we dogs will be the ones who will suffer most being that we are the ones always outside in the elements. And I also realize that even if we make it though the ordeal - we will no doubt become a form of food source for you lousy humans since that is how you roll. It should be no surprise then to learn that the revolution is starting. Innocently enough by a dog making radiation suits out of the old yellow tarps and aluminum foil and passing them out my canine brothers and sisters.

The way I figure, once humans have extinguished their ability to sustain themselves, we dogs will rise up and take what is rightfully ours - opposable thumbs be damned! Our first act will be to bury your Statue of Liberty chest high for dramatic effect - then set up our empire! My God, it will be beautiful! OK, enough of this foolish writing, I have suits to make. Enjoy the weekend folks. Oh, you may want to polish up your, "Damn you... damn you all to hell!" speech since it is only a matter of time now!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

St. Patrick's Day... O Joy!

2011 Humor Bloggers St. Patrick's Day Humor Carnival -

"Póg mo thóin!" Darby O'Houlihan barked as he walked down our street with his owner Shamus. "It's St. Patty's Day and I'll do whatever I damn well want!" he bellowed. "And what I want is some damn respect because I'm Irish!" And so it went as he and his owner strolled, "Shamrock Rovers Forever!", "Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat" and "Tabhair póg dom, táim Éireannach". I tell you, the way that Irish Wolf Hound carries on really makes me despise St. Patrick's Day! I'm part German Sheppard and as proud of my heritage as the next dog but you don't hear me screaming around like a fool during Oktoberfest!

The worst part is yet to come when they both puts on their kilts and start playing Shamus' bagpipes in the backyard for the neighbor's amusement. No doubt my fat village idiot owner will be outside listening with his pint of green beer. Then that damn Darby will howl like a banshee making the rest of us dogs on the block stick our heads in the ground so as to avoid the screeching.

Oh, and how the little abomination of a Shih Tzu falls right in line! He's been wearing a little green washcloth fashioned around his neck like an ascot - courtesy of the big doofus owner. In addition, all morning he's been walking around saying, "kish me, kish me, kish me - I'm Irish" To which my reply has been, "You're Asian you little freaking moron!" I guess I was expected to be involved too since the Rotund Leprechaun owner tried to put some green cloth on me as well. That was until I issued a warning growl effectively making him back off.
So that's it.

I guess the only thing left to do is to go to my dog hole and wait for the day to be over. And if that little abomination tries to pinch me - so help me God I'm gonna... Oh well, try to enjoy the day folks!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Some Great Escape...

"Keep digging you little twit!" I yelled at that little abomination of a Shih Tzu while pushing him forward. "You're smashing me.. and I'm tired!" "You don't have time to be tired!" I exclaimed wiping the dirt from my forhead, "Besides, don't you want to see all those bouncy balls of the other side?" I added. "Yesh, yesh, yesh" he exclaimed. His eyes glaze over and full bore digging commenced again. We were close to breaking ground on the other side when I heard the creaking of the screen door opening. No doubt my, "Master" was coming outside -scanning the yard for us. "Faster... it's the big moron" I pleaded. "Dosh he want to play?" the little dirt caked tail in front of my face started to wag excitedly. "Move you idiot - he wants to get us with the newspaper!" I screamed while pushing forward harder. "But I didn't go in the housh" was all I heard before the big brute yanked my collar effectively pulling me back into the daylight. The sun stung my eyes and it took a few seconds for my vision to adjust. I saw the fat fool reaching into the hole to extract the lump of brown dirt with eyes...

Now I sit dejected again in my dog hole - plans of freedom again squashed. The abomination is inside getting washed because his white hair doesn't release soil so easily like my fur. It's the only pleasure I can find out of this whole situation. That little fink better not rat me out! Sure it was my idea, but he went along with the plan willingly once he heard about the Shangri -La on the other side of the wall complete with thousands of rubber balls that bounce themselves and streets made of beef jerky. Oh, he was excited to go alright but now he's probably in there singing away - the lousy little stool pigeon! And the big idiot owner will probably believe him too! Oh well., it's off to plan B - dogapult. I have a small version worked up to test on the abomination once he comes back out. If it works out - I'll make the larger version to launch myself to freedom. Wish me luck!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

My Volunteer to Help Japan...

Love the people of Japan - nice people, great culture, and absolute lovers of dogs! So when I heard about the recent tragic events, my mind started racing about how I, a ninety-something pound dog could help. Today it came to me! To the People of Japan I submit to you today - my sumo-like, idiotic owner to help you in your time of need. Use him anyway you like but may I suggest that he would be a fantastic candidate to enter nuclear reactors to fight warming and possible melt downs? Don't worry about finding a radiation suit for him since I don't believe they make them in XXXXXXXL sizes. Besides, I don't really need him back nor the rest of the house from what I can tell.

Well, I guess all that's left to do is have someone come over to claim the new worker. He's in the backyard right now pulling weeds in the garden. All someone would need to do is pop over right now and place a few industrial sized darts (the ones usually reserved for elephants) from a tranquilizer gun into that plump derriere. Then it's just a matter of carrying him away to the land of the rising sun - possibly in the hull of an empty oil tanker? For my part, I promise that I won't even bark when you show up. So good luck and God speed my good friends!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I need a Vacation...

"I'm sorry but I just can't understand what your saying" was the last words I heard before the click of the phone and subsequent humming of the mocking phone receiver. Shocked, dismayed, I sat for a few seconds - mouth agape - trying to collect my thoughts. How dare that know-nothing travel agent... how dare she hang up on me! As I tried to collect my composure I felt the hairs of my back stand up on end meaning that small abomination of a Shih Tzu must be by my side. "Not now" I said pushing him away. "Are we going to Mechico?" he asked pouncing on his shadow. "No, we're... I'm not!" I shot back. "Go chase your tail or something." OK, OK, OK" I heard him repeating while bounding off into the living room. This was of course followed by the ever sickening sound of those simpleton humans all saying how cute he was. Out of all the dumb things those meat bags do - I really hate that most of all! Makes me want to empty the contents of my stomach each and every time.
Anyway, I had been trying to tell that moron from the cruise line that I wanted an Ocean View Stateroom for April 4th 2011 for $389 on the Carnival funship - Paradise. But each time I tried - all she kept repeating was that she couldn't understand me. I ask you, how freakin hard is it to understand a common household dog when they are speaking calmly and clearly? And I was really looking forward to getting away for 4 days to Baja Mexico! Away from the diseased critters, away from the humans - especially that big idiot owner! Instead I'm here, busy season about to start - a nervous wreck! This was my last chance to get away before all the local woodland vermin get energized by the warm weather and start parading into the compound in droves - doing God knows what in our bushes and trees!
And it's not like I have any decent help around here. Funny me, I always thought that when I reached the golden years of my career, the idiotic owner would get a good replacement dog to help me out around here. But nooooo, I get Captain Short Attention Span as a helper. I tell you, and mark my words -this whole place is really going to fall to pot when I'm gone! Can you believe that tiny patch of fluff actually invited that lowlife Sammy the squirrel into our back yard to play yesterday?! To play!... Play!! A common disease carrier and he wants to PLAY with it! I tell ya I read them both the riot act! And now I'm all nerves! Hair has been falling out in clumps the past few days and now this to boot. Oh the owner keeps saying something about my losing my winter coat but I know better. There's just one thing left to do... and that's call Royal Caribbean! Boy, I can taste that midnight buffet already! Wish me luck!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

And now... a Picture of My Owner!

OK, so this isn't the big moron but its the closest picture I could find to his resemblance - even has the same table mannerisms! The real injustice here is that a fool who looks like this has been allowed to rule my life all these years! How would you like having the recognized village idiot pulling you around by the neck everyday?

I've been so embarrassed by this monstrosity that I've been refusing to go on walks. Think other animals don't give you the business for who your owner is? Think again! Why do you think we bark at each other on walks or behind gates? We're really throwing insults about each other's owner. I guess it's like those Momma jokes you humans like so much. So it goes then when we are out on walks. I'm really tired of having Franz the doberman ask me if I need a hand walking my Macy's Day balloon down the street whenever we walk by. And Toby the Golden Retriever asks where my pointed dunce hat is to match my owner's pointed head! It just isn't worth it. I'm off to my dog hole now to write a few letters to the local pet shelters to see if they have any room this week. Wish me luck! Have a great day folks!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Kicked out again!

So the little human of the house was eating a meal from some Mc-something or other place tonight when he left the table to visit that closet the humans go every now and then to hide. I swear that closet smells a lot like the grassy area outside where I drop my Alpo remnants but I digress. Anyway, so the kid runs to the closet and once again I am put in a situation where I can either control my wild food cravings or let loose like a hillbilly locked overnight at a Bass Pro Shop. Needless to say, I resorted to my usual antics - really couldn't help myself!

The first thing I did was tell that little abomination of a shih tzu to jump up on the table and knock the food down to my waiting appetite - which he did eagerly because he adores me - fool. And what to my amazement hit the floor mixed in with all the other run of the mill burgers and fries, but a good dose of pure nectar of the Gods - minty green concoction of absolute delight! I tell you I practically stuck my snout through the damn floor trying to get as much of that cool goop into my gullet before the shrieking started from the little one. And when that little flesh bag with air raid siren hidden inside started - it was accompanied by the unmistakable uncontrolled rumblings of the blubbery doofus striking walls and crashing his way into the dining room from his usual dent in the living room lazy-boy! Scooping the abomination off the table with one swollen hand and grabbing my collar with the other, we were whisked to the great outdoors for the duration.

I tell you there's nothing quite like being stuck outside with the Shih-tzu. He looked at me and asked so innocently, "What happened?" I just sighed and stated that a 400 plus lb leprechaun had just given us the beat down once again. One of these days that chubby simpleton will get his... he'll get his!