Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Van... children

Just heard that Van Morrison and his girlfriend had a child! Congratulations to him but isn't he like 64 years old right now? Not sure what these people are thinking because the last thing I want in my senior years is to have another baby running amok around the house. I don't even want the older kids around let alone any new ones. Usually by the time one reaches the age of Mr. Morrison - peace and quiet is about all he or she can stand. Then again - the kid will probably have a team of nannies covering 24/7 so it's not as big a deal to Van as it would be to the average Schmoe out there. The one who will feel the most effect will be the kid himself who'll no doubt grow tired of being asked why his Grandfather is always around. To each his own I guess. Have a great day folks! Oh, and for those of you out there wondering if I'd mention something about Father and son both being in diapers at the same time...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Get back to work already...

Damn humans, they need to get back to what they do best... hanging around their workplaces pretending to work. This just isn't working out at all. I'm really getting tired of having to wait for my turn at the computer because my owner - Captain Fat Face needs to look at his online comics or his wife needs to do continuous Internet shopping for this or that. I have posts to write damn it! I tell you, I really need to get my own computer one of these days so I can have unlimited access. Once again I got hosed for Christmas and will now have to suffer the consequences. Why couldn't I have been adopted by the Rockefellers?

Monday, December 28, 2009

You got to be kidding me?

Well, the last sign of the apocalypse has finally been revealed and it comes in the form of...  the snuggie for dogs. I hope all you people are happy now. Your collective need to keep all living creature extra warm will most assuredly result in God's ultimate wrath now! You see, he's up there in heaven right now wondering what's wrong with fur - his original design? His conclusion will be that humans are trying to question his judgment and that's when it will all start... fire and brimstone from the sky!

I'm wondering where will it end, and who comes up with all this nonsense anyway? You don't see we of the animal kingdom coming up with useless products that pretend to help you humans out. How would you like a product called, "skinny" a natural skin like material developed to keep you humans extra comfortable on cold days. It's breathable and wicks moisture away! Buy now for $19.95 and receive a second skinny absolutely free!

I saw the big moron owner walking around wearing a snuggie on Christmas morning. Absolutely ridiculous - he looked like the love child of Friar Tuck and a smurf! Having seen that, there's just no way your going to ever get me into one of those blue rags. They'd have better luck putting one on the little abomination puppy. With his IQ - I'm sure he'd have a grand time with it. OK, now that I've thoroughly disgusted myself.  I guess I'm off to get some antacids and then lie down for awhile. Good day to you all!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

All that's left now is to...

Ah yes, Christmas is over and what have we learned? Well, some people learned that it's not the best idea to drink like a fish at the office Christmas party and then tell the boss exactly what they think. Others learned that frank discussions on the existence of Santa Claus are best accomplished  - for various reasons - outside the earshot of their nephews and nieces. Still others learned that when significant others say that they don't want or need anything for Christmas - they REALLY don't mean it. That one can be a life changer.

Yes, many a lessons was learned this Christmas season but some out there have not... will not... or simply refuse to learn about the most important aspect of a responsible Christmas season. With that in mind, we of the decoration guild implore you. For the love of God, take down your damn Christmas decorations before this year's 4th of July picnic! Thank you!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

What did you get for Christmas?

Once again I got crap for Christmas!!! Every year - all I ever ask for is some new security equipment and maybe a little prime rib, and every year it's the same damn thing... tennis balls and stupid stuffed animals! I got news for the owner and his band of merry misfits - if I wanted that kind of crap all I would have to do is go to any of the neighboring yards and grab some. You see -  we live in an area filled with timid, shaky, tea cup dogs and overly inflated dachshunds so it would be nothing for this 95 pound beast to impose my will and extract that which I desire most. I refrain because I am a just dog who only wishes to do good. But, if I wanted... Whoa Nellie! 

So, now that I haven't gotten what I wanted, I've decided to shoot the works and do a little Internet shopping with the owner's credit cards. So far today I've managed to purchase the deluxe orthopedic dog bed from Petmate that boasts of soft elegant plush fabric, decorative piping, and a low profile. This should go a long way in helping this older dog get a good nights rest and also an easier transition in the morning. Being eleven is a drag!

 I also purchased a new home security system with camera monitors and emergency touch pads. Soon I'll easily be able to patrol the compound grounds from my new bed and call in the troops when needed. No more will that lousy Pat Possum be lolly gagging around on my front porch against my will! Once my new system is installed, I'll be sending out the full dose of our Burbank PD when he shows up... maybe even the SWAT unit. Oh, he'll see... they'll all see!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, I better finish my shopping before the rest of the family wakes up and foils my plans. I'm going to the HoneyBaked Ham site to see about their Prime rib dinners. Hopefully I can get fast delivery. Have a great day folks! 

Friday, December 25, 2009

I got the Christmas fiend but...

Well, my plans to stop the fat man in the red and white outfit were foiled once again. I was taking my nap last night when all of a sudden I awoke to the sound of jingling bells. I walked towards the living room and saw the large red rump of the trash fiend in front of our tree. That bastard was at it again - dropping his scrap where it wasn't wanted!

I braced myself and let loose with a barrage of snarls and barks that would eventually bring stirrings from all the bedrooms of the house. Knowing that I was about to unleash hell, the fat twit whirled around and quickly tried to hush me by putting his finger up to his lips and saying I was going to wake the household. Of course there was no way I was going to let this interloper run the show so I darted at him with all the power of my being. It was here that he turned and ran to the door yelling, "Haley, stop... it's me... it's me!" I pondered for a moment how he knew my name but decided instead to focus on the task at hand and sank my teeth into his rotund derriere before he got out the back door. Just as I was about to tear a chunk, I heard the shrieking of the small human boy behind me. He was screaming for me to let Santa alone! Santa, I thought? Who the hell is Santa? Oh well, no matter. I had effectively protected the household from the Christmas trasher and surely would be considered the conquering hero. I may even get an extra helping of Christmas ham I thought to myself. Oh, and of course the big doofus owner was nowhere to be found through all of this - useless as ever!

Eventually the village idiot did arrive - limping into the living room from his bedroom with a beat red face. He looked to be holding back tears which I mistakenly took as tears of joy from my selfless act of protection. Instead, he seamed to be pissed about something and so chased me outside with a barrage of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. That's the thanks I get for protecting the household I thought! To calm myself -I walked around the backyard to try an pick up the trail of the fleeing scoundrel. There was a few droplets of blood that led to the back sliding glass door leading to the idiot's bedroom. I guess that fat bastard must have escaped back into the house when I got kicked out. At first I thought that I should bark to warn the occupants inside but eventually decided to let the fiend trash the house if all I was going to get was troubles for my efforts.

Sure enough, all the scrap was once again piled up in front of the tree this morning! The trash man had indeed delivered. I hope they're all happy now! Good for them. I'm sure as hell not going to clean that mess up. And can you believe that the big fool was still ticked at me? For some reason for he just sat there giving me the stink eye all morning. He must have thrown his back out or something because he's been walking funny all day. Oh well, he'll recover.

As for the man in red and white - I'm sure the justice I dispensed will make him think twice next year! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year folks!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Getting closer...

One more day until the fat one stuffs his overloaded carcass down our chimney and I'm beside myself with anger about my recent treatment here in goofballville. Last night the village idiot owner and his family had a party where I was forced to spend the evening out in the backyard. How dare they! What nerve! What gall! Who the  hell do these people think they are keeping the beloved security agent with eleven years service outdoors on a brisk night in Burbank! The temperature surely dropped below 60 degrees! I have half a mind to call animal services.

Maybe they were hoping that I'd come down with a case of pneumonia or athlete's foot or something. Yeah, save themselves a few coins per month on my salary. Why should I be surprised? What do they care now - they have the little abomination now to take my place. I'm no fool - I can see the writing on the wall. That puppy was allowed to stay in the house last night. He was penned up in the bedroom, but in the house nonetheless. You know, I even heard them parading that little stinker around to all their guests so everyone could comment on how cute the little crapper was! Nobody came out to pick me up. Nobody carried me around from guest to guest! So now you can see why I'm ticked off. The injustice is thick my friends! Thick indeed!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas is coming and I'm ready!

I'm tired of it! Every Christmas some fat bastard in a red and white outfit breaks into our home and places all manner of junk toys and other crap under our beautiful Christmas tree. It's enough to make one sick. I'm sure the only reason this happens is to discredit and embarrass me since I'm head of security here on the compound. The goofball owner is no doubt involved. Well no more! I will not be made the fool any longer!

I've spent all week planning how to stop the obese phantom once and for all! First I've placed those spiky nails use to keep pigeons away all over our rooftop. If the rotund mound places one step on our roof he'll be popped like an over inflated balloon! Next, I glued all our windows shut with the craft glue I found in the garage. I hope it is strong enough. If not - my best case scenario would have the portly litterbug going into full cardiac arrest fighting to force them open! If he does decides to use the door method, I've boarded up the back door and plan to plant myself right at the front door in order to unleash hell on anyone who comes through it with a full dose of canine furry. 

Yup, I'm done with the fat guy in the red and white suit and sweet victory will be mine this year. I'll let you know how it turns out. Happy Holidays everyone!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm back in black...

... my mood that is. With the holidays approaching... and being broke... how can one not be? I've been racking my brain trying to figure ways of raising some scratch quickly but so far - nothing. I suppose I could always add my name as security for all the different holiday parties going on in the area but last time I tried that I was escorted out of a function by the scruff of my neck by animal control. Embarrassing would be an understatement! Anyway, if any of you have any ideas how a 95lb dog can make some money quickly before the holiday - I'm all ears.