Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I'd like to drive...

The teenager of the house is close to getting his license so I'm wondering what's in all this for me. I mean, I'm the loyal dog here - shouldn't I be getting more opportunities to score car rides with another person in the household driving? I guess we'll have to see but I'm looking into things just to cover my bases. I went to the DMV website to investigate what it takes to get a driver's license here in California. So far I haven't seen anything to suggest that dogs are not allowed to drive so that is encouraging.  

I did try to call someone to ask questions but they couldn't understand me and threatened me with harassment of a government offical. Oh well - let them come and get the goofball owner - see how much I care. I would love thought to score a license for myself so I could get the freedom of hitting the open road. It would be great - I'd drive everywhere with my head out the window - enjoying the whip of the wind as it brushed the fur away from my face. I could also howl excitedly while scoring bunches of points taking out all the feral cats running about the streets of Burbank. Maybe they'd even give me a medal or something? My God, that would be beautiful! Well, at the very least I'll still have the teenager if my license doesn't work out. Maybe he will let me be the navigator? Have a great day folks!

Monday, June 29, 2009


Congrats goes out to the big doofus who finally secured a job for himself late last Friday. I'm shocked - can't imagine anyone who would hire the guy. I wouldn't hire him to man a lemonade stand let alone any position of importance! The only answer I can come up with is that he really must have buffaloed somebody up this time! Anyway, he starts this week so now I will not have to bear with any of his distractions during the day. Unfortunately his wife and brats will still be here but they are only minor annoyances.

I'm hoping the big goofball's absence will enable my research and book project proving my hypothesis on a revolutionary new green energy source that has not been considered by humans yet. I'll keep you posted. I also plan to write my memoir and maybe a book of canine poetry. Lastly, I'm trying to arrange a canine support group for other like-minded dogs on the street who need help dealing with the idiocy of their owners. I'll keep you posted as things develop. Have a great day!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Weekend Warrior...

I've been thinking about maybe joining the California National Guard as a guard dog.  Of course at ten years of age - I may not be what they are looking for. Then again, recruitment may be down during this time of war so they may take me after all. I'm free of fleas and the hot spot is being taken care of - lamp shade should be off in a few days so maybe I'll stop by the recruitment station to chew the fat and see what the deal is. 

Maybe they have tuition reimbursement? Then I could train to be an orthodontist or something and prepare myself for a life after security? That would then give me the means to venture out and get my own place away from the idiot owner and his family here at Doofus and Co. Boy, that sure would be great! The only hitch that I can see is that the life expectancy of the average German Shepherd is only about thirteen years - being ten years doesn't give me very much time. I guess I'll have to give this some more thought over the weekend. Enjoy folks!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

It's a hot spot...

A little girl looked at my paw today and asked why I was missing a patch of fur. She couldn't understand me but she should know that living with the idiot makes me so nutsy with emotions that I fixate my cleaning all on one spot on my body - usually somewhere on one of my paws. I don't know why but I like it/need it/love it/ can't get enough of my own fur from that spot. It's all I can think about - it's what I do.

Of course this has led to some sideway stares from the goofball. Now I just saw him trolling around the garage, which means if I'm not careful I'm going to get the party-dog treatment. Yes, that's right, I'll get to wear the lampshade until this habit is broken. I don't know why he won't just let me live my dream of licking through one side of my paw to the other but he continues to be the world's biggest buzz kill. I'm so disgusted that I'm going outside right now to lick the hell out of this paw and there is nothing he can do about it!!!! Good day!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


The big doofus owner went on a job interview today - I'm not too hopeful - he's been out so long he has that stink of desperation about him. Oh well, hopefully he'll get the position so we can finally be rid of him. After all, I have my eye on a new studded collar that I saw while walking past the pet shop the other day. I've sacrificed enough - being forced to eat lesser grade food since his position was, "downsized" Of course I don't think its possible for him to be physically downsized but that is another story. Have a great day folks.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Come on in!

Another batch of humans are coming for a visit today and staying for a few weeks! This of course means even less time for me to write my thoughts on the computer since everyone will be all in my face telling me how much of a pretty dog I am and so on and so forth. Wait, what am I complaining about - that sounds pretty good actually. Also, more kids means more food dropped on the ground. More adults also means more food dropped because they are sure to go on a few nightly benders. Ah yes - visitors - bring them on!

Monday, June 22, 2009

I'm bored...

Pretty boring around here lately now that everyone is home for the summer. Now there's no time for high jinks. Fathers day went by quickly thank God! I spent the whole day hiding out in the my dog hole while they had festivities honoring the house idiot. I hope that fool didn't expect any gifts from me. After all - he's not my father - warden is more like it. Yep, a big buffoon of a warden is what I say. 

 You know, after thinking this over, I might have made the goofball something for Father's Day after all. I left it for him in the back yard but most people probably wouldn't consider it a gift. It will have to do since I don't have any human cash and never get any opportunities to go out shopping. Internet shopping is also out - especially after he sent back all the cases of Alpo I bought a few years back. He never did figure that one out.

Well, I'm off now for some cold iced tea and then a bit of rolling in the sunshine. It's a beautiful day here in Burbank now that June gloom appears to have wrapped up! It looks like morning sunshine from here on out for the rest of the Summer. Have a great day folks!

Thursday, June 18, 2009


All my best plans laid to waste - I sit dejected today - a beaten dog. I was in rare digging form yesterday - snout was keen to the mossy smell of the soil, claws sharp and ready for the job at hand, and ears pinned back for maximum overdrive. I would put an end to the tyranny of the sprinkler system! Too long I had suffered the wrath of its unexpected water rage -soaking me as I squat helplessly in prone early morning dump position. But alas - an unholy alliance had been forged - conspirators! Apparently the sprinkler has taken over the feeble mind of my dim-witted owner. I'm not sure how or when this happened - I just know he had been taken in and schooled in the ways of the ninja like sprinkler attack. Who would have thought my slow paced/lazed owner could move with such gazelle like speed? Before I could dissect my first root ball from grass clump he was on me. One swing of his mighty newspapered hand was all it took to send me in a four paw scurry for shelter. Surprise ... shock... dismay, All I could think was ... Et tu, Homeowner?... Et tu?. Oh, the humanity - traitorous, treasonous, vile lump of flesh! But... I shall move on - my day shall come as well. I too shall bask in glorious victory one day. I shall never give up, or in to this tyranny! On that day of sweet justice the bells of the city will ring, the choirs of heaven will sing, and the masses will shout from the rooftops, "Yes this is the day of our FREEDOM - FREEDOM for the righteous. FREEDOM for the powerless. FREEDOM for the disenfranchised!" I now proclaim on this day of days... I shall defeat you sprinkler!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Those soul sucking kids...

Every now and then the owner and his wife like to reward their twerps for good behavior by giving them a momentary break from the normal routine/house rules. The reward is usually something small like adding more time to the schedule for video games. They believe this makes them good parents but I believe that they are just being naive. They forget that whenever their kids are acting up - electronic devices are usually involved. Although the parent's intentions maybe good - their actions are comparable to basically rewarding a pyromaniac with a book of matches for not starting any fires. Remember how they say how no good deed goes unpunished? Some people just never learn.

I guess it takes an outsider from the animal kingdom to see how all these kid's problems - bad grades, laziness, apathy all stem from those mind numbing electrical gadgets. I'm not sure how my owners don't see the connection! These reward gestures almost always come back then to bite the parents in the end because we're dealing with illogical kids after all. Most of these hellions would be considered legally brain damaged if they were judged solely by their actions. I love the way the little poops twist everything to suite their whims. They'll take a one time gift of an extra fifteen minutes video game time and stretch it daily until they get caught. When discovered, the kids will then stare blankly at their parents or stammer in disbelief - recalling that their parents had changed their schedule for good. 

I know it's just not our family either. Sometimes on my walks around the neighborhood I'll see families sharing a meal in a local restaurant. Unfortunately, the parents never even get a chance to talk to their kids because the kids are too busy with their music or video devices to give their parents the time of day. The best part comes when one of the parents finally decides to put his or her foot down and demands that the kids stop immediately. It is here when they are met with the protest that many of today's games are designed that they cannot be just turned off. Forcing kids to quit without saving progress is just asking for the personal hell of non-stop kid wailing. Be prepared for at least one half hour of complaints as the little life-force suckers go on and on about how they were just about to finish this or that level or beat a boss.

It is no wonder then that parents collapse into their chairs every night tightly clutching nerve saving drinks of their choice - defeated from yet another day's battle - barely able to speak. I often see my owners staring exhaustingly at each other on those types of evenings until one of them finally gets enough strength to ask the other, "Is Law and Order on tonight?" If that is as good as it gets for parents with kids - I'm glad I got fixed.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What a day...

Spent the whole day outside because earlier this morning I had a stomach ache and accidentally went to the bathroom on the floor.  I guess I should have taken it easy with all the Cereal and box material. Anyway, I couldn't help it - tried to go outside but that lousy teenager ignored me every time I tried to get his attention. I think he was spellbound from some kind of mind controlling video device - he didn't even look up as I was whimpering to go out. None of this sat well with the big dimwit who read the kid the riot act after returning home from running errands to find my sickness all over the living room. 

Another reason I spent the day outdoors is that the big doofus has been playing super-painter the past few days - to appease his wife. It's refreshing to see him use his hands for something other that scratching himself. I'm not sure what the paint color looks like because we dogs only see a few colors of the spectrum. All the rooms he painted look palish yellow to me - not sure what that equates to for you humans. Anyway, I brushed up against some of his paint yesterday - giving myself a racing stripe. He wasn't a fan of that either so I would have spent my day outside anyway. You know I think I'm running faster with this stripe! I've also been getting compliments from those green parrots who've been whistling down from the power lines. Ok, I better get going - I hear the big guy is making me rice to settle my stomach. I don't want to miss out on that.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Oh Captain My Captain...

Tonight I had the food of the Gods! The owner's older son was having a late night snack of cereal when much to my delight - he decided to walk from his food to check his email. Ah ... what a fool! You know I require no invitation to claim food that is lying about so you can only imagine my delight. Anyway, the box stated that the cereal was called, "Cap'n Crunch" but it really should have been labeled as, " Nuggets from Heaven". I mean - the taste... that taste ... just knocked me on my rear! Oh, and the crunching sound that came from chewing this product almost made me deaf! I never imagined anything like as possible. The only down side, if  there was one, was that this cereal has the tendency to cut the hell out of the lining of one's mouth - making it worse than any after-taste I've ever experienced. The only way I can describe it is to compare it to eating shards of broken glass. Don't get me wrong - it really was worth it! I just hope it doesn't do the same to my stomach or intestines. If I could only get that kid to refill the bowl - I'd be one happy dog! Unfortunately, I don't think he's going to respond kindly to my raiding of his food so that idea is most likely out. Maybe I'll just try to get into that pantry and then chew thru the box. Why does it always come back to those damn opposable thumbs? I tell you - we dogs really got screwed! If not for the lack of those damn thumbs, we'd be running this joint! Well, enough talk - I gotta go and try to break into that pantry. Wish me luck and have a great night folks!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Burbank Travel Series - Spotlight: Monte Carlo

As a dog, I have limited opportunities to get out and explore the world. It's not a surprise then that my view is exclusively of the immediate businesses and yards surrounding my home here in Burbank, CA. This unfortunately prevents me from obtaining my dream of becoming a traveling dog blog writer - on the lines of Anthony Bourdain. I love his style - he always looks as if he is having the time of his life- probably because he is drunk as a skunk most of the time. I'm afraid I'll never get to his level though since I'm stuck here in this prison of a back yard pretending to be the goofball owner's best friend. I guess I shouldn't complain - most eateries Bourdain frequents wouldn't let me in anyway unless they were planning on putting me on the menu. 

So with all this in mind, I thought I would take matters into my own paws and write my own brand based on the areas I can walk to or see from my yard. My first review is on the Monte Carlo Italian Deli here in Burbank. Unfortunately, I couldn't review the interior ambiance or service of the establishment since being a dog - I was quickly chased outside with a broom by the powers that be. What  I can tell you though is that if you like the smell of Italian food mixed with garbage and don't mind eating out of a trash dumpster -come around to the back of the building because this is the place for you! I had the pleasure of gorging myself on all manner of partially eaten foods; pizza, ravioli, sausages, meatball sandwiches, as well as leftover salads and garlic bread pieces. Oh, what a cavalcade of heavenly tastes! I have to admit that I accidentally ate some used napkins in my haste but that is to be expected when one is eating like a starving animal.

As for ambiance, I had the pleasure of a trash dining partner in - Teddy, a local wino I met walking down the back alley, He also doubled as a gracious impromptu host by opening the trash bin for me while I was having thumb issues. I highly recommend dinning with a knowledgeable companion like Teddy who was very adept at explaining the lower end wine selections that the business had to offer. We were having such a wonderful time - talking and laughing that we completely lost track of the time. Just as I was beginning to think our magical evening would never end, one of the kitchen boys came out and chased us off with some choice Spanish profanities. Teddy was nice enough to respond on our behalf but we all knew the night was over. The fence to the bin was locked up for the rest of the evening and I was tragically unable to review any of their delicious desserts. I do hear though that the cannoli is to die for. 

Overall, I highly recommend the dumpster diving feast at Monte Carlo mainly for the food- that is if you are lucky enough to show up on a day when the dumpster's fence is unlocked. The only drawbacks are the dumpster ambiance and service which can use a little work. I suggest bringing your own candles and companion. If you happen to see Teddy say hello - maybe he'll be nice enough to share a swig of his wine selection with you. 

Haley's Dog Ratings: Monte Carlo Dumpster Area Dining 
  1. Food - 5 barks
  2. Ambiance - 3 barks for alluring garbage aroma and soothing electrical transformer hum.
  3. Service - 1 bark - we suggest they lose the profanities and forced exit tactics.
Until next time - have a great day folks!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009



Well, I know one show I'm never planning to watch - the upcoming Octo-Mom show that supposedly is in the works. Why anyone would want to subject himself to watching a house full of screaming kids is beyond me. Those who are interested need to find a local family that has more than 2-3 kids and volunteer to baby-sit for an afternoon. I don't think they'll be too keen on the idea afterwards. We get enough of our own kids having emotional breakdowns - who wants to watch other people’s demon seed freaking out or acting unruly?

What's so special about this bitch anyway? Dogs have multiple pups in a litter all the time and what happens? They are split up and sent to different families - that's what should happen here. Afterwards Octo-nut should be fixed as an example. Otherwise we’re opening the floodgates to all the other idiots out there doing stupid things in order to become famous.

Lastly, I disagree with all the people out there who say she should take the money she receives from the show and pay back the state for all of the help she's been receiving. My thinking is that she can keep all of the money but must promise to then buy an island somewhere and fade into oblivion. No more appearances, updates, or interviews - just stay away and you can keep all the money you earn from your idiotic show.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

What is this preserve?

I've just heard about a place where humans and animals mingle without fences leashes, or cages. It all sounds wonderful but does a place like this truly exist? I have my doubts - mainly because I've seen the way humans treat animals on my street everyday. For example, "Kraken" - the Beligian Malinois dog on my street is forced to go along with his owner everyday to work. He never gets a day to just rest in the backyard like the rest of us. I see them both drive off every morning in their black and white car for God only knows where and then come home in the later evening hours. It's funny, his owner must really like routine for he wears the same dark blue shirt and pants everyday.

Anyway - back to this so called preserve - Hans the wiener dog from down the street filled me in on. He said his owner took him to see this place but unfortunately he was kept inside his leather dog carrier the whole time they were there. He did see a good amount through his viewing screen -  "Zu vould nut believe vats goings on in zer!" Hans said to me quickly because he knew his owner would only allow a small amount of time for him to smell up our gate. "Ze humans und ze animals vere valking urund togesser mit no leash und fence ur cages!" Unfortunately that was about all Hans was able to get out before his owner picked him up and whisked him away for home. I did hear one more thing but I think it was only, "auf Wiedersehen hund" All this sounds very intriguing so I'm going to have to investigate this further on the internet. I sure hope this is true and they accept dogs because I'm out of here if that is the case! If anyone knows anything more about this, I'd sure like to hear more.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I scratch myself...

Thank God for flea and tick products! I was practically tearing the fur off of my body over the weekend because of those little bastards. That was before the idiot owner finally used his thumbs for something other than opening chip bags and applied some of that flea and tick medicine on me. But before you go and think of him as some kind of great savior of the scratching canine world, know that he spent the whole time torturing me with complaints about the high cost of the treatment -over $65 for a four month supply. I think he was under some kind of delusion that I actually cared how much he was paying while I was being eaten alive. Like I was going say, "Hold on - how much are you paying for this? Are you kidding me!? Well, let's go look for something  a little cheaper. I can hold out  a little while longer  - they're only devouring my liver"

Thankfully I got the medicine, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was only because he didn't want to look bad in the eyes of the neighbors. He's said on many an occasion that we have to be careful of what we do around here because those busy-bodies look down on any who fail to keep their homes up to snuff. I'm sure this also applies to family pets - especially dogs who scratch like drug addicts in the backyard all day. I'm just relieved he didn't go cheap and get the off brand junk that made me break out like last time. Oh well, I feel great now so I'm off to get some work done. There is a jasmine bush in the back that I've been longing to tear out and today is as good a day as any. Have a great day!

Friday, June 5, 2009

ain't no cure for the summertime blues...

Well, here we go - the kids are home on their first day of summer break. It won't be long now before the family home starts to look like a scene from, "Lord of the Flies" once the brats break down leadership and take over. I've decide to spend my time bunkered in my dog hole to avoid dealing with the twerps - as if having the owner around wasn't bad enough to begin with! At least I'll enjoy watching the big moron's descent into madness as he vainly struggles to sustain order. The little one has already begun the process by attempting to be the first child to achieve complete corneal meltdown by means of video game LCD overload. The older one is taking a different path to elicit his Father's insanity by morphing into a creature that is part teenager and part bed. We'll be lucky if he emerges from hibernation by 2:00 pm. Yep, it sure is going to be interesting around here for the next few months.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

On the road to Honolulu...

Well, he did it again - the big nimrod owner ruined my golden opportunity to get away - this time to Hawaii! I was just about to leave on my big trip when he showed up to blow up all my plans - like he always does. I swear my anger towards him burns like that of a thousand suns. I may never get over this. How do you make up for a lost trip to Hawaii? This just may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

It all started this morning when a few of the local cats gathered in front of my fence. Shadow -their leader was the speaker of the group. This alone came as a surprise for I had just chased him up a tree the night before after finding him in our back yard hunting mice. I figured this was going to be about that incident since it allowed one of his mice to escape. Anyway, he stated the group's remorse that our neighborhood feud has been going on as long as it has and he lamented the amount of casualties the war has produced - all on his side. He proposed we start again fresh by establishing a dialogue of peace and friendship. To prove their seriousness on this issue, he disclosed that they had all chipped in and got me a present - an all expense paid trip to Hawaii. He then continued by saying that they were all concerned that the stress of my job was beginning to affect my mental and physical health in a negative way. I couldn't have agreed more - especially knowing how my stress grows when I'm dealing with the village idiot. Needless to say, I was blown away by their compassion and generosity.

After thanking them and telling them how much I was touched, they brought out a big box that they had been hiding in the side bushes. On top of the box they had scrawled in blue crayon, "TO HAWAII" Well, it all appeared legit which helped to ease my mind of that lingering thought that they were up to something - I'm skeptical by nature. Anyway, I asked when I was to leave and they said that they had arranged for a truck to pick me up in a few minutes. Wow, I had to hurry if I was going to be ready in time. I quickly went inside and gathered everything I was going to need - my best collar, one bottle of sunscreen, and most importantly - my Reese's beach towel for spending time on the beach or in case I needed to disguise myself as a Seeing Eye Dog in order to get some food. Man, I couldn't wait to get to those luaus!

After gathering my stuff, I rushed outside to where the cats were waiting for me with the open box. I must admit that it did take all my self-control to keep from attacking them, but I didn't want to ruin my golden opportunity so used that as motivation to keep my cool. Next, Shadow said that I needed to get inside the box so that they could seal me up for the trip. Man, those guys thought of everything because inside the box was everything I was going to need - a blanket, a bowl of food, and also some water. Once I got comfortable, they placed a lei around my neck, wished me aloha, and then proceeded to tape the box shut. I was so excited waiting for my big adventure to begin!

As I waited to be picked up, I made a list of all of the activities I wanted to do -snorkeling, volleyball, and night-time campfires were right at the top. Man, I couldn't wait! Finally, my moment had arrived for I heard a vehicle coming into the driveway, my heart pounded in anticipation - it must be the truck! Tragically, my excitement was quickly vanquished when I heard a car door open and then the unmistakable lumbering sound of my idiot owner walking up the driveway. He was returning home from delivering the kids to school. I sat quietly as he walked around the box - no doubt inspecting it.  I hoped that he would just ignore the box and head straight into the house but instead he opened the box and stood dumbfounded from finding me inside. "What the hell is going on?" he screamed as he pulled me out of the box and hustled me inside the gate - killing my vacation plans.

As I was being forced inside the gate, the old guy from down the street - who is usually known for yelling at kids - came walking on by. He appeared to be in an exceptionally good mood for some reason and was whistling as he strolled. This all made the owner suspicious so he asked the old guy whether he had something to do with my being placed inside the box. Of course the old guy had no clue what was going on and after shooting the owner an odd look, asked him what kind of drugs he was on. The owner became furious at this and screamed that the old guy should stay away from our house. This made the old guy storm off - spouting mumbled profanities all the way back to his home.

 Just as things were beginning to settle down, a garbage truck pulled in front of our house and the driver asked if someone had called to have an extra garbage pick-up. The owner said no, but since they were here - they could take the big box in the driveway. Thankfully though, the owner grabbed my stuff before the garbage men could load and compact it with the rest of the garbage. Afterwards, I went to lie down in my dog hole behind the hibiscus bush - depressed that my trip had been ruined. You know I never did hear that truck that was supposed to come and pick me up for my trip but I suppose I was too depressed to notice anything. Have a good day folks!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

National Dog Day August 26, 2009

Recently I've been getting letters from all over the country from dogs who are not pleased with their current living conditions. These poor animals are tired of working their tails off 24/7 while receiving third class accommodations in return. They are asking - if not pleading, that I rally our canine constituents and any public supporters to stand up to the mindset that states that it is acceptable to treat us dogs as possessions.

 For many of our first years together, dogs and humans had enjoyed a successful symbiotic relationship - one that was beneficial to all. We dogs patrolled the human camps of yesteryear  - protecting our human counterparts from intruders while only requesting that humans help us with tasks requiring thumbs in return. This arrangement worked quite well for many years. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line everything changed  - probably when some human found that putting a rope around our necks was a great way to control us. Since then our relationship has shifted to that of master and servant. We  basically have become objects to many  - tools to exploit. Well, we no longer want to be looked upon as possessions. We want equal standing again and most importantly - STOP GIVING US AWAY AS PRESENTS TO SNOT-NOSED KIDS! 

Yes, we demand equal status with our human counterparts otherwise we will be staging a walk out - and we don't mean the type with leashes. I've been drafting our new Proclamation of Canine Freedoms that will be formally unveiled at this year's National Dog day festivities on August 26, 2009. Under this new decree, it will be required of every new human employer that he set up individual insurance and bank accounts before the arrival of any new canine family member. That way, we can cut down on the brutal practice of convenience gassing -where its cheaper for an owner to get a new dog than to pay for medical treatment. We also want our own bedrooms, access to automobiles, refrigerators, and computers, and most importantly - the right to determine whether or not we want to be fixed. We also demand that radicals such as Bob Barker receive mandatory jail time for all of the crimes committed against our canine citizens from promotion of their extremist agenda - population control my ass!

Overall, many of us would rather take our chances on the streets than to continue on in these conditions. So please support our attempts to level the playing field  as we declare this year's National Dog Day on August 26, 2009 as our K-9 Fourth of July. We will be staging rallies at dog parks all over the country. Check your newspapers for activities in your local area. For those of you in the Burbank area keep an ear out for the upcoming First Annual Leash Burning Party (permit pending) at the Burbank dog park on Screenland Drive - in July. Thanks for your support

Monday, June 1, 2009

Is it safe?

So I got into the garbage this morning and lost control- I ate waste like a crazed animal. Whatever I couldn't eat, I merrily rolled around in...  It's what I do.  Anyway, as I was just about finish, I heard the unmistakable sound of early morning doofus traffic coming from the den of the dimwit. Had my frolicking stirred the big moron to action or was it that I just lost track of his wake up time in all of my excitement? Before I could get untangled from the heavenly wrappings of old banana peels, used coffee filters and remnants of the shredded hefty bag, the lumbering fool rounded the corner rubbing his dull eyes and scratching his partially covered - from drooping boxers - derriere. 

Unfortunately for me, my scene was not well received. I was read the riot act while being rudely escorted  to the back door by the collar. If that wasn't bad enough, I was then gruffly told to get out and stay out. Baby Huey then stomped back inside to further disrespect me by cleaning up my fabulous creation. Every now and then he would stop and glare out the window - scrunching his face in disapproval in order to administer a dose of the old gypsy eye. Of course I always find this ineffective because when he scrunches his doughboy face, those two unkempt eyebrows of his become kissing caterpillars -making him look like a fat faced Bert from Sesame Street complete with unibrow. His comical look is further cemented by early morning hair, which always stands up straight. 

So now I've been banished to the frigid outside world of Burbank, CA. I swear it must be about 68 degrees out here this morning. I wonder if I can report him for abuse? Well, at least he filled my water bowl but that doesn't make this any easier to endure. What nerve this guy has - I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him after this! And where does he get off taking all of my glorious garbage and throwing it away? I worked hard to get that pantry door open and then the bag  - nobody wanted that stuff anymore so I claimed it. If anyone knows a good lawyer here in the Burbank area I'd sure appreciate a referral. Ok, I'm going to my dog hole and hopefully calm down... darn stupid owner! Have a good day folks!