Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Ok, I'm back...

After an extended leave of absence - I am  back. The family was hanging around while the kids had spring break so I was off my game. It was kind of nice to have the family around for a change - lots more food hits the ground when they are around. I must have gained an extra 10 lbs the past week! Nothing new in the ways of job search for me or the owner. He is contemplating going back to school in the fall to finally finish his bachelors degree. He has chosen to pursue Physical Therapy since it is said that the medical field will be a safe choice for professionals for some time. I'm sticking to the security game - still waiting for the old guy down the street to call me in for an interview. I think he is upset with my submission because he looks skeptically at the house whenever he passes by these days. The owner was taken aback the other day when the old guy asked him what he was trying to pull. The owner did not know of my job search - thinking that I was happy to continue on. He and the old man had a few words and I heard the owner tell the old guy he was losing his mind or something of the sort. Anyway, I guess I'll have to try sending out more resumes. 

The family had a family game night over the weekend and invited a few families to participate. Of course they lost as usual -sad losers that they are, and presented the winning family with a trophy that they had whipped up for the occasion. Dinner was a combination of lasagna and spaghetti. The spaghetti was intended for the vegetarians who were invited since the lasagna was of the meat variety and a bit of nervousness was experienced when most attendees filled their plates with the spaghetti option. Not to worry though since more pasta and sauce was on hand to make and thus avoid any embarrassment. A fun time was had by all with drinks, games, and general revelry. The family enjoys entertaining even though they should probably avoid such things while the male owner is between jobs. I was outside for most of the night patrolling the grounds making it safe from Burbank roof rats and other such vermin who were determined to spoil the occasion. There were a few occasions where a child would open the door allowing me to run freely into the house and claim whatever food was dropped on the floor . Oh, it was glorious! I filled my gullet with all manner of garlic bread and pasta products dropped mainly at the smaller table that was made up of the younger human types. I also got the lion share of head pats and body rubs that reminded me of my youth. The family is not as enthusiastic in public displays of affection as when I was a pup so I'll take what I can get these days. Of course every time the owner saw me in the house he would corral me back outside  saying that my bushy fur was getting all over people but I don't believe it was as bad as he stated. 

Well things are back to normal in the backyard now that everyone is back on their normal schedules. I've been trying to chase the birds that are building a house on the back porch but they are tormenting me since they know that I can't reach their height. I tried to throw my ball up at them but my side to side head toss technique does not allow for throws higher than a few feet and  thenI get more ribbing from the birds for the failed attacks. I guess I'll try to ignore them and sleep in the sun for awhile. Have a good day all!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Another Monday...

Well, I haven't written in a while so I thought I should post something. The owner is still looking for work and he older boy has just left for a week in Arizona - something about a baseball tournament. Man that kid gets to go everywhere! Meanwhile, I the dog, stand guard in the backyard making the house safe from vandals and infidels. I'm not sure what is going on with me at nights. Lately, I've been waking myself up in the middle of the night (nightmares) and scurrying through the house in a mad dash. This doesn't happen during the day - only at night time. My owner thinks I'm going crazy. Just to make sure that I'm not the only miserable one at night I've been making sure to wake the house by getting a good head start trot before plopping myself on the floor to go back to sleep. My owner compares it to a big game animal being taken down by rifle fire during a stampede. I think he is annoyed with me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Tough to be a dog...

I don't get it - I was outside most of the day! What? Did they forget about me? Don't get me wrong, I like to be outside but dogs are sociable creatures and I know there were people at home today! The little one was still sick and the owner's wife was at home today as well. The only attention I received this morning was when the big guy popped out to yell at me for not chasing the birds away from the back porch. Come on - sure they are little annoyances but all they were trying to do was build a small home. Besides, having them around attracts the areas cats to come around and if they decide to try and enter my yard ... Whoa Nellie!!!! We're having cat for dinner! Anyway, they nerve of these people keeping me outside most of the day! I'm thinking about going on strike. Still haven't heard back from the old guy down the street. I dropped a resume off the other day. Hopefully he is looking for new security . I'm pretty confident that he wound't make me stay outside all day.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Weekend went by way too fast! Human owner came out into my sector and finally trimmed the lawn. Thank God, I was beginning to think that I was living in the bush! Anyway, the older kid is feeling better but the younger one has switched places and now has fever, congestion, and nausea. The owner is doing his usual worry session and is currently busy watching over the sleeping boy which gives me the few minutes to post. I'll write more when things get back to normal around here.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Oh Yeah... Friday!!!

Well, it's the best day of the week - thank God!  All there is to do today is coast through the workday, go to happy hour, and maybe chase a car or two. After that, it's just relax and enjoy the weekend, and  it couldn't have come at a better time. I must admit that this week was a wee bit trying at times. My owner is REALLY wearing on me! Can he please just find a job already and get out of my fur! My God, I have to either get on the computer to write these posts at the crack of dawn, or wait the whole day as he pretends to search for work. I'm not sure how many times one person can frequent ESPN for updates throughout the day but this guy is trying to break the record! Overall, I'm burnt about everything lately, economy, lack of exercise, poor nutrition - damn cheap food gives me gas, my owner, and yada, yada - the list goes on and on. 
You want to know what I'm growing most tired of hearing? All the complaining on human television about the human US President. He sounds like an alright owner - he is supposedly getting a dog for his kids so he can't be too bad. His color and coat appear pretty good - I just don't see the problem. We dogs just had an election for our President recently. You wouldn't have known because, duh, we don't have television coverage.  So unless you have been listening to the five o'clock howlings the last few weeks, you'd be in the dark. Anyway, it was a landslide - as you humans would call it. Comet, "Labrador" Franklin won on his campaign promise of Universal Milk Bones and belly rubs for all. We are a bit relieved since he is more of a moderate after twenty-eight years of the hawk we had in Red, "Basset" Howell.  I'm a little skeptical that Comet will be able to pull off  his promises but word is that he has huge financial backing from the Trump family dog so we'll have to see. 
The inauguration is on the 14th of April and our President will be in control for  the next 28 years  - four human years for those of you who haven't figured it out yet. This is a huge deal for us. We used to depend on the, "leader of the pack" method for elections - that is the candidates would fight it out and the loser would be labeled as an outcast and forced from the pack but we found that to be a bit outdated since most of us are behind fences and away from the pack anyway. Additionally, our smaller, more qualified leaders had a harder time establishing themselves against larger opponents so to be fair we got away from the system that favored brute strength.  Now we have elections by bark.  Unfortunately this opens everyone up to criticism from other area pets that are backing other candidates. We  also have to be careful not to get too carried away since all the ruckus usually makes our owners angry who then throw shoes or make us come inside. It's not a perfect system but it's the best for now.
 This past election I tried to disguise my bark when voting but the dogs on the street figured it out anyway - dumb Chihuahuas! I'm tired of hearing those shaky little mongrels going on and on about their candidates - we really need some kind of secret ballet or something! Unfortunately, we'll have to make due until we regain our freedom - sometime in the future according to the Canine holy texts. Ok, that's all I got for today. Happy Friday to all!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Concerns for the economy...

I’m a bit concerned today about the economy and what it may mean to my employment. Traditionally, Security is a pretty safe bet during rough times but now I’m not so sure. Ramses, a Doberman from down the street, was released the other day after thirteen years on the job! He mentioned the other week through the fence that his employer was upset  with his performance and was thinking about, “options”. How ridiculous is that? Apparently his boss was miffed because Ramses was having a difficult time getting up off the floor, which he said was due to his not feeling well. Sure he might have been slower reacting to security threats but he still had value - hardly a valid reason to punish him. Ramses also mentioned that they were talking about sending him to some kind of Kennel in the sky or something of that manner.

 I guess they must have made their decision because it all hit the fan the other day. Can you believe that after all those years of service they fired him - just like that? They didn’t even have the decency to let him walk out on his own. Instead they carried him out of the house. So embarrassed were they by what the neighbors might think that they actually tried to hide his identity by wrapping him in a blanket  - even his face! I’m sure he had a hard time breathing in there. They could not fool me though- I knew it was Ramses because I recognized his scent. Funny, it was stronger than usual? Huh... they must not have given him a bath in a while I guess.

Anyway – this is not the first instance of this type of behavior to go on in the neighborhood and one could safely blame the economy considering all the bad press lately. I know my owner has been affected - I’ve been switched to a cheaper grade of food. Fortunately for me, I still provide a good return on his investment. I guess I shouldn’t worry too much because I doubt any of them are qualified to keep the vermin outside the perimeter. They don’t even recognize threats when they see them! Just yesterday the owner was outside and actually called a flea-bag cat over - and if that wasn’t bad enough - he even touch the little parasite!  Undermined my authority just like that! I had just gotten done warning that little pariah to keep away from our house and then the goofball decides to call it over. I’m beside myself  right now! You know what, I’m not worried about this position after all - I don’t care anymore. Let them displace me – I welcome it! I’m not appreciated here anyway so fine. I can always find someone  willing to take on new security. The old guy down the street is always yelling at kids who come near his lawn - maybe I’ll shoot him a resume. I could also try to track down Ramses and see what he's up to. I’m sure there aren’t too many Kennels in the sky since I’ve never heard of them before. It doesn’t sound like a franchised business either. I’ll have to give this some more thought. Have a good day.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Being held captive...

I must say that I'm a bit depressed today. Talk about being made into a pariah! Look at my conditions and decide for yourself. One look at this fence is all you should need. Notice the large sign in red, "Beware of Dog". Is this really necessary? I consider myself to be quite level headed, if not charming - I'm not sure what there is to, " beware of". Now granted there has been trouble in my past where I might have been a bit too strong pawed with other dogs but I'm reformed. Believe me when I say that I really do want friends now. Gone are the anti-social tendencies of my youth  like when I planted Jake, the next door neighbor dog, into the ground for drinking out of my water dish - not that he didn't have it coming. What the hell was he thinking?! But I digress, Gone also are the uncontrolled days where I would pull my owner on leash with all my being  - choking myself -to get at a cat or squirrel or any other dumb, useless, don't deserve to live animals. The gall of those infidels knows no end! I swear - if I even get my teeth into them - oh ... they will rue the  day of their bastardized births! Sorry... I digress again. Listen, it's not that I'm a bad dog - ask my family. I have my faults but I would never purposely  hurt anyone or anything. Yes, I'm changed - turned over a new leaf. Reformed myself and definitely deserve to be allowed to move though the neighborhood  with little to no supervision.  I ask that you contact my owner and put a good word in for my parole. Just look at my picture above - yes that is me looking out my small window into the world. I watch as my tormentors paraded in front of my home day and night - urinating and defecating on MY GRASS!!!! If I could just get out one time, I could show them once and for all who holds sway on this street! Oh, and don't even get me started on that little guy with the blue shorts and leather pouch who places taunting letters into my mail slot EVERY DAY JUST TO MOCK ME!!!! I'm pretty sure he is Korean and you know what that means. Oh.... I get a bit emotional from being cooped up. Now you know why I must get out. Please remember to put a good word in for me -I will not let you down.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dancing with the... ?

I watched, "Dancing with the Stars" last night and for the life of me could not find one star in the lot.  Where was Benji, Lassie, Morris the cat, or Rin Tin Tin? I think the producers are missing a golden opportunity here to include some of our most beloved animal actors. Instead, they continue to dip into the endless boredom of, "B" and "C" list has beens! Who would not love to see Abraham the goldfish from, "Different Strokes" in competition with Willie the Orca from, "Free Willie"? Or how about Tiger from, "Brady Bunch" up against Mr. Ed?  I'd bet that Air Bud vs Clinton presidential cat - Socks would have them stacked three deep in the aisles! Any animal pairing would be better than the two bit hacks and former reali-crap stars on they have on currently! Giles Marini - really? What is his claim to fame? One shower scene in the, "Sex in the City" movie and he's a star?!! Back in the day, we called that, " background"! I'm totally disgusted! Gone are the days of pure unadulterated animal enjoyment. There was a time, not too long ago, where one could find all manners of  magical animal acts on network television. Variety shows of yesteryear were laden with a plethora of highbrow acts - cheeky Cockatoos, dancing poodles and bears, and trained pigeons flying in formation. My God it was beautiful! Now - nothing! I blame Letterman! It was he who cheapened the whole genre with his oh so clever - "Stupid Pet Tricks". That man should be banned from television or sent back to do the weather reports like when he started! As for me -I'm done! From now on its only Fox news and Animal Planet! You guys can have the rest. Where is, "When Animals Attack" when the world needs it? 

Monday, March 9, 2009

Does anyone like Mondays?

Here we go again  - another week of the grind. I'm really getting tired of the security game! Maybe I should go into another field. I hear the medical field is expanding. I wonder if it's too late to become a seeing eye dog? Of course they probably would not take me with my uncontrolled urges to grab other dogs by the scruffs or basically chase animals. At least I'm house trained ... that is as long as I have my regular food. Well, I'm going to scour the classifieds and see what is out there. Oops, I gotta go - I smell someone walking up the front sidewalk. Might be some of those damn Johovah's Witnesses!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Easy like Sunday....

Tired, bored ... been stuck in backyard for most of the day. Weird green parrots are squawking on the power line above the garage. Can't understand what they are saying - damn foreigners! Anyway, I'm still depressed that the owner would not let me rip out the sprinkler system. Oh, well - maybe he will come around. I'm going to roll in the sun and then take  a nap. Have a pleasant Sunday!

Saturday, March 7, 2009


All my best plans laid to waste - I sit dejected today - a beaten dog. I was in rare digging form yesterday - snout was keen to the mossy smell of the soil, claws sharp and ready for the job at hand, and ears pinned back for maximum overdrive. I would put an end to the tyranny of the sprinkler system! Too long I had suffered the wrath of its unexpected water rage -soaking me as I squat helplessly in prone early morning dump position. But alas - an unholy alliance had been forged - conspirators! Apparently the sprinkler has taken over the feeble mind of my dim-witted owner. I'm not sure how or when this happened - I just know he had been taken in and schooled in the ways of the ninja like sprinkler attack. Who would have thought my slow paced/lazed owner could move with such gazelle like speed? Before I could dissect my first root ball from grass clump he was on me. One swing of his mighty newspapered hand was all it took to send me in a four paw scurry for shelter. Surprise ... shock... dismay, All I could think was ... Et tu, Homeowner?... Et tu?. Oh, the humanity - traitorous, treasonous, vile lump of flesh! But... I shall move on - my day shall come as well. I too shall bask in glorious victory one day. I shall never give up, or in to this tyranny! On that day of sweet justice the bells of the city will ring, the choirs of heaven will sing, and the masses will shout from the rooftops, "Yes this is the day of our FREEDOM - FREEDOM for the righteous. FREEDOM for the powerless. FREEDOM for the disenfranchised!" I now proclaim on this day of days... I shall defeat you sprinkler!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Ah Sunshine...

Wonderful day in Burbank - sun is shining - birds are singing - damn those birds!!!! Anyway, I'm moving ahead with my plans to rip the sprinklers out of the ground today. I received all the necessary permits - which I myself issued. Now it is full speed ahead! I'll let you know how it works out. Wish me luck.