Thursday, June 9, 2011

Squirrel Tales

"I shink itsh maybe a shircush" the little abomination of a Shih Tzu stated balancing himself on top of my back while trying to get a better view through the knothole in the fence. What?! I can't smell any animals out there you twit. Besides, what kind of circus has performers wearing orange jumpsuits and hard hats? My patience was really growing thin with the little Alpo remnant stain until he hopped down to track a bug that had caught his attention. Rolling my eyes, I walked off leaving Captain ADD to his idiocy while trying to find out what the hell was going on. I walked around to the other side of the yard to see if the view was any better at the other gate. It wasn't.

The  infernal banging and clanking accompanied by that malodorous stank had been going on for the past two days! The only  thing I knew is that it must be something official because the village idiot owner of had been complaining nonstop about not being able to park his contraption I like to call, " the idiotmobile" in front of the family compound. Anyway, all the family vehicles were now continuously parked in the driveway - blocking my view, thus making me employ the abomination as my minion. Since he proved himself to be of  lower intelligence than that damn bug he'd been chasing - I was forced to look elsewhere. Which brings me to Seymour Squirrel who was perched on top of the house watching everything - no doubt with a clear view.

"Hey Seymour" I called up. What do you want you...f#$*+n dog? He snarled, glaring straight ahead. "What's going on out there? I need to know." Oh, you need to know?... You need to know?... To know?!! Is that sorta like how I always try to use the yard and you chase me - need to know? Or is it like how you ripped off and ate Shirley's (girlfriend) tail - need to know?! " Don't you dare tell that damn dog anything! Shirley piped in from somewhere on the other side of the chimney. She uses it for balance these days. I scratched at the ground. "Yeah, about that, Shirley - you know I just can't let any old vermi... em -  animal onto the grounds... you know I could lose my job". I waited for a response but all I got was silence. I went on, "And as for the tail.... you know that was just an accident."  ACCIDENT?.... ACCIDENT!!!! Shirley shrieked. You swallowed the whole damn thing in one gulp! How the hell was that an accident?! I could hear a scuffling up on the roof and what sounded like Seymour holding her back. After a few moments Seymour poked his head over the roofline and calmly said that if I was curious about what was going on out there, I should just try to imagine what dog heaven was like... then multiply that by ten. That was what was going on out there. And if I wanted to know more, I should produce another squirrel tail to give to Shirley.

So here I am in my dog hole again, ground shaking, large vehicles rolling back and forth in front of the house, and that damn smell that just won't stop. Curiosity may have killed the cat but it won't get this dog! I'll find a way! All I need to do is catch another squirrel and take it's tail then I'm in baby! But where to find one? I was actually pretty lucky with Shirley in that she was too close to the fountain to hear me coming. I could always take the abomination's tail and spray it gray? But that would probably bring too much heat from that moronic owner so I should probably hold on to that idea as a last resort. Oh, and if any of you out there were wondering about Shirley's tail... it wasn't an accident! Wish me luck and have a great day!