Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Well, they finally did it...

I'm completely disgusted! I'm not even in the ground yet and already my replacement has been brought in. Oh and how everyone loves the puppy! Everywhere I turn - it's look at the puppy this and look at the puppy that. Never mind that the damn thing craps on the floor every chance it gets. If I went on the floor, I'd be having a date with the gas chamber but the cute little puppy gets a free ride.

Oh, it's not as if I haven't tried to get along, they have us separated by a baby gate most of the time but whenever I get close the little crap starts reading me the riot act about personal space and what not. Of course this doesn't surprise me because the moment I laid eyes on the little abomination I knew I was in for some trouble. You see, the little mongrel they call, "Brock" is one of those Shitsus who obviously suffers from, " little dog syndrome" I'm sorry that you were dealt the small hand but I can't help that I was born big and beautiful and I  absolutely refuse to apologize or be made to feel sorry about it so deal. Anyway, I'm going to be nice for the moment because the owner keeps telling me I should. I guess I owe the big goofball that for keeping my dish filled with food but that little dog better start minding himself. 

I keep wondering what's in all this for me and the answer I keep coming back with is bubkiss. The owner and his snot nosed kids are enjoying their new puppy but what about me? I get less attention is what I get! And what the hell is going to happen from now on when we all go for walks? Who do you think is going to be getting the lion's share of the attention? How can anyone expect me to compete with that? So this is how I get to spend my golden years? This is the thanks I get for all my years of service! I'm disgusted and I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Lastly, what's going to happen if the little crap decides to start his own blog? Computer time is scarce to begin with. I better do my best to keep him illiterate. Oh well, I better go before I give myself palpitations. Have a good night folks - I'm going to go lie down in my dog hole and stew over this for awhile.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Let the Vick play...

Now that little title may seem a bit odd coming from the average dog but hear me out before you rush to judgment. Being that we are in America - the land of second chances - one can make the argument that everyone deserves a second chance - but don't read any further if that is what you are expecting here. No, what I really want to talk about is how karma is going to play out. Karma tells me that if Mr. Vick has not paid enough for his transgressions after being caught, drug through the legal system, and losing his celebrity status - he will surely suffer additional pain attempting his come back on the field. Now don't get me wrong - I'm not wishing bad things on Mike or anyone for that matter. In fact - I feel that I am being fair when I say let the guy play it out - let him earn a living. Who knows - maybe he really did learn his lesson. Maybe he is indeed remorseful. Maybe - but I just don't think it likely. 

What's more likely is if one had the capacity to torture and kill an animal in the first place  - he or she probably has some type of personality disorder to begin with and no amount of prison time can teach someone right from wrong when they don't have the capacity to learn. So with that in mind, let's play ball and let the chips fall where they may. The combined energy of all those animal lovers out there will no doubt come into play to help dictate an outcome. Let's remember the law of opposite and equal as it applies to action and reaction. Mr. Vick and his cronies dished out plenty of pain and suffering and now the opposite and equal return has come to bite them back. How much pain can one man take on the field? Mr. Goodell - let the Vick play and we shall find out. Play Ball!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Your the one that I want?

Came into the room the other night to catch the owner and his wife watching an old movie on the television. They were watching some movie about high school kids who sang annoying songs about devotion, grease lightning, and beauty school drop outs. They were greatly amused with this train wreck of a movie - watching all sing-songy - enjoying the hell out of it. For the life of me I can't figure it out because the basic story goes against everything they usually teach their kids.

First we have the nice girl from down under - this Sandy girl who has moved from Australia to Southern California - I guess to screw up her life because she chooses the worst possible degenerate sluts as friends. This also comes on the heals of spending her whole Summer with the greaser loser - Danny Zucco! BTW - what the hell was he doing at the beach in the first place? How did he get there everyday - he didn't have a car!  Also how in the hell did that girl make it to that point in her life being so sweet and nice when she clearly had no idea on how to choose appropriate friends? And where the hell were her parents for all of this?

So this was a big hit when the owner and his wife were kids - huh? What the hell was going on back then to make people crazy over this? Ok, so let's shoot to the pearl of an ending - because this is everyone's favorite part. Danny shows up at the post school carnival wearing a letterman sweater for running track - now we're talking! The greaseball is finally going to clean up his life and might try to make something out of himself for Sandy. I can live with this - but wait - a new twist. In someone's f'ed up world - it is thought best to make the nice girl  -one who would soon be off to college effectively getting away from these dregs - into a slut! Boy that must have been a great relief to all the girls of that generation. Don't worry about school - just wear slutty clothes, smoke, put out, and plan to run around the rest of your life with a loser who for all his toughness - dances like a nancy boy. Yeah that was a wonderful ending! Sandy would have been better off putting out to the captain of the football team - or the whole football team for that matter. At least one of them might have gotten a scholarship or something. 

Let's fast forward twenty years into the future shall we. Here we find the resentful - bitter, Sandy fuming because she gave up her life for an overweight,out of work couch potato who still thinks a greasy pompadour is the height of style . Now that money is scarce, they continuously fight over who took the last smoke out of the pack. Because of her two pack a day habit, Sandy now sports a wicked raspy voice like Don Cornelius of Soul Train. Because of this, her songs no longer hold any weight and people scream  when she tries to sing in the backyard at night that she should shut the hell up for they need to get up in the morning for work - unlike her good for nothing husband. Making matters worse is that Danny has grown bored and now spends his nights at the bar making out with the toothless Rizzo who left Kenickie years ago after his drunken car accident left him in a near vegetative state. As for the rest of the Pink Ladies - they are now called the Pink Flabby Skanks. But we should be happy for this dream ending right? Oh well - I guess that is one version of the American dream that you guys can have! Good night!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Burbank Travel Series - Spotlight: Starlight Bowl

Nestled in the hills of Burbank since the Summer of 1992 is the city run Starlight Bowl Amphitheater. It is lesser known than the more prestigious Hollywood Bowl but still has the charm to make concert going worthwhile. I was lucky enough to escape the house this past Sunday night to attend one of the Summer night's concert series featuring the Stone Soul and the Sounds of the Supremes. My cultural companion for the evening was once again Teddy - the local wino who thankfully was recovered from our last excursion and managed to stay sober for most of the evening's festivities.

The first thing one notices when attending a Starlight Bowl concert is that the area  surrounding the bowl is very pleasant. It is located up in the hills past the Burbank downtown area if one takes Magnolia Boulevard east up into the hills to where it tees into Sunset Canyon Drive. From there you just take a left and follow the signs. Parking is easy to come by and also patron friendly for it is not usually stacked as parking is at the Hollywood Bowl. Stack parking does still occur, but only on highly popular nights like July Fourth for fireworks. 

Teddy and I arrived on the scene around 5:30 pm with hopes of finding a sweet spot to put our blanket. Unfortunately, we were quickly schooled in the ways of the Starlight. First of all we found that one needs a ticket in order to attend a concert - not having one is highly undesirable. Secondly, there is a strict no pet policy that limits a dog's ability to get into the venue. Undaunted, we decided to ride out the evening on the fringes and try to crash the event later in the evening.

Teddy made out quite well with the public for they placed coins and other paper bills into his hand as we rested on the grass outside the bowl. I also received a fair share of attention as patrons patted my head - telling me what a pretty dog I was and whispering to each other that I looked so fit and well kept considering I was a bum's dog. Overall I'd say that the pre-concert festivities were very enjoyable. Teddy raked in a cool $20.00, a couple of Bud Lights, and a bottle of Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon which he quickly decided to partake in.

Once the concert began, we found it difficult to actually hear the music for we were behind the stage but the crowd sounded enthusiastic so it must have been a good show. I did catch a peak or two of a few coyotes in the hills surrounding the venue but thankfully I'm large enough that they don't bother me like they would a little dog or run of the mill house cat. The hills are scattered with signs listing lost dogs or cats  but me thinks that they are not so much lost as found for dinner but that is another story.

As the evening wore on, Teddy became a bit more enthusiastic about the music prompting stares from the security detail. They were especially displeased when he lowered his trousers to show them his bare bum - yelling, "I've got your Sounds of the Supremes right here!" By that time, the police were called in and I was once again forced to flee into the woods to prevent being caught. Teddy on the other hand was not so lucky for they grabbed him and roughly took him away in their cruiser thus ending his night of music and culture. I'm told he was locked up until Tuesday when a relative finally came to get him out. I really must find another cultural companion.

Haley's Dog Ratings: Starlight Bowl
  1. Outer Grounds - 5 barks
  2. Stone Soul - N/A
  3. Sounds of the Supremes- N/A
  4. Ambiance -Inside - N/A
  5. Programs - 5 barks - smelled crisp and new
Until next time - have a great day folks!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Call Donny Deutsch - I have my BIG idea...

I was feeling on edge tonight so I decided to take a walk to clear my mind. I had originally intended to just venture out by myself but decided to take the goofball owner along after he attached a leash around my neck. Oh well, I figured if he was going to come along, he'd better just hold on, keep up, and most importantly - keep his big mouth shut because this was my night for walking. Besides, I had to get out after the past week of wearing that stupid dog shade. I was raring to check out every bush, tree, and living creature on the block and I was not going to let some human with an IQ of six dictate my enjoyment. I tell you - I must have pulled that moron up and down half the streets of Burbank. When I finished I felt a big weight lift off my shoulder for a life changing idea had come to me.

 I think I may have finally found a way to escape the life of a security dog here on the compound. The answer is - day care service. Not just any old day care but a one stop shop for people with both pets and children so they can avoid the hassle of multiple drops. So with that in mind, it gives me great pleasure to announce the opening of the, "Haley Keppel - Run With The Dogs Daycare Facility" here in Burbank.

There are millions of duel parent/pet owners out there sending their pets one place while sending their children to another. This can make anyone's morning commute a living hell. At the Haley Keppel Run With The Dogs Day Care Facility, parents can eliminate the unnecessary extra trips while taking comfort in the fact that their children will get a good dose of exercise running after dogs and cats in a safe secure back yard. In addition to exercise, participating children will be building up their immune systems to pet dander allergies that have been plaguing many children today. Another benefit will be that all human campers will be trained for free to spot and clean up pet messes - adding a valuable life skill which they can use to gain future employment opportunities. With the economy being that way it is - vocational training should never be taken lightly!

The benefits for pet owners is just as amazing for they can take comfort knowing that their little angels will now be supervised by a staff of caring children matching pets one for one. I ask you - what other care facility out there can offer such hands on care for your pet? Sign up now for early registration and receive a free leash that can be used for either pet or child - you decide. The prices are still being worked out but I'm thinking it will be somewhere around $200 per week but that price will include at least one meal and one drink per week! We look forward to our first day of operation and remember - drop off time is sometime after my doofus owner leaves for work around 8 am. Earlier drop off is available for an additional fee but those campers will be required to hang out in my dog hole to avoid detection. Thank you in advance for your patronage - we look forward to a successful Summer session! 

Friday, July 10, 2009

Burbank Travel Series - Spotlight: Colony Theatre

I couldn't stand being cooped up in the madhouse listening to the village idiot going on and on about how long the typical light bulb usually lasts - so I decided to bust out and treat myself to some live entertainment. Once procuring my escape from Casa de Dufus, I strolled the downtown section of Burbank in search of suitable entertainment and found the dazzling little theatre that is the Colony Theatre here on the corner of Third and Cypress streets. The Colony has been a staple of the Burbank community since it moved from the Silver Lake section of Los Angeles in 2000 and has been producing successful productions ever since it's inception year of 1975. The theatre boasts a list of awards too numerous to mention in one article but one can check it out for themselves with a quick visit to their website http://www.colonytheatre.org . It was with all this in mind that I set out to get a taste of some truly inspiring theatre.

For companionship, I once again recruited the talents of my good friend - Teddy  - our local Burbank wino. Unfortunately for me, Teddy was not in tip-top shape like our last jaunt - mainly due to polishing off two bottles of Boone's Farm - Snow Creek Berry wine. If one is to truly enjoy the wonders of Teddy's company, it is recommended that one gets to him earlier in the day rather than later. Normally Teddy is quick to offer pontifications of his vast knowledge of culture or stories of the history of Burbank. Tragically - this evening he had a tough time at first keeping himself upright and then later - keeping liquids inside his body. I may have to look for other cultural companions for future escapades if this continues but for now Teddy and I remain buds.

So Teddy and I arrived at the theatre at about 7:00pm for the 8:00 pm showing of the current comedy play, "Two Pianos Four Hands" I was very excited as I awaited my first theatre experience and couldn't wait to get inside to at least buy a program. After waiting for about fifteen minutes, and just as I was about to get to the box office window, I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of that unmistakable white van with black letters on the side that is the Burbank Animal Control Mobile. 

Having just ditched the mumbling Teddy in the back alleyway minutes before was probably not one of my greatest decisions but it was necessary because he had grown tired of the wait and had once again decided to use the bathroom without actually excusing himself. Anyway, I watched the van as it slowed down to inspect the large dog sporting a lampshade walking around in front of the Colony Theatre without any apparent owner nearby. Well, they soon made up their mind and began to turn the van around my way. I knew that if they got me - there would be a lot of explaining to the big doofus owner and who needed that? Before you could say, "spayed and neutered", I found myself running into a nearby underground parking lot looking for a quick escape. I eventually made my way through the parking garage and fortunately found a suitable hiding spot in the IKEA loading dock area. Fred the dock manager was a very nice man who gave me half a bologna sandwich and a bowl of water while I waited for the fuzz to vacate the area. He even took off my lampshade so that I could relax. What a nice man! 

Well, needless to say, with all the commotion, I missed my curtain time and had to settle for a long disappointing walk home. Making matters worse was having to hear the idiot owner going on and on about my not having my lamp shade when he found me in the back yard. Fortunately my pain was soon eased when he decided to trudge off to the pet store to get me another shade. That was just as I was beginning to get used to unobstructed views again. I tell you, if it weren't for my bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!

Overall, I give the Colony Theatre high marks - mainly for the curb appeal of the building because let's face it - that was all I really saw. Unfortunately I will once again have to apologize for the lack of a proper review since I was unable to gain access to my desired event despite my best intentions. I did hear from Fred the IKEA loading dock manager that the show is a big success so if your looking for an enjoyable evening while in the downtown section of Burbank - try Burbank's own Colony Theatre. Oh, and do say hello to Teddy if he's still lying behind the dumpster in the alley. 

Haley's Dog Ratings: Colony Theatre performance of Two Pianos Four Hands 
  1. Building - 5 barks
  2. Acting - N/A
  3. Story - N/A
  4. Costumes - N/A
  5. Programs - 5 barks - smelled crisp and new
Until next time - have a great day folks!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I did it - I found out a way to get the lamp shade off by running myself into some corners! The release was probably one of the sweetest moments of my life - take that doofus owner! I decided that I wasn't going to wear that darn thing anymore and then I went to work. Anyone or anything that was in my way - be it animal, vegetable, or mineral was not spared my wrath. I even almost knocked the small human boy over along with a teenage visitor during my rampage. Unfortunately, my victory was short lived.  The village idiot owner came home soon afterwards and put the contraption right back on me - this time adding more banding for good measure. I also received some of the ole stink eye as well. Oh well, the short lived freedom was well worth it. Have a good night folks!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Party dog again...

Well, I did it again. Just when I got the lampshade off - it's back on again. Apparently, one is not allowed to go back to what one loves after life's chains are removed. I can't help myself  - I obsess over certain areas of my paws. I knew I was in trouble when the big doofus caught me licking my paw after dinner. He immediately went into the garage and got my shade out. I really hate that thing! Ok, I'm off to stew over things. Have a good day folks!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Big blow up - July 2009

I can feel it coming on. The first booms occurred last night off in the distance and if memory serves me correctly - I have until tomorrow evening to find a suitable hiding spot. I'll just say it - I can't stand fireworks! Have absolutely no use for them. They hurt my sensitive ears and I'm pretty sure the other dogs on the street are with me on this as well.

At least its not as bad here in Burbank as it was in Florida where every year the neighbors practically blew up the whole street. They would get unlimited supplies at all the tent stands that were set up every block or so. One would then witness an unending procession of people buying fireworks around the clock. I'm guessing that if you combined all the explosive power of all the fireworks sold in the Ft Myers/Cape Coral area around this time of year - it would equal that of a small nuclear device. The only thing that saves the cities is that people don't fire everything off all at once. Instead, they stretch the holiday from one into seven or more days.

Boy, I sure did suffer back there. There were times when I didn't even want to go outside - not even to use the bathroom. Of course that great friend of scared dogs - idiotic owner of mine - would force me outside against my will just because he was afraid I would let loose on the carpets - big moron! Oh well, it didn't last long because as soon as I would hear the first booms - I would run gangbusters into the door trying to get back inside. Once back, I would then spend the rest of the evening in the same place I used for lightning storms - under the owner's bed.

I can feel it coming on - that booming is already rattling inside my brain. I've been sizing up how much room there is under there and making escape plans. I'm hoping the goofball will come to his senses this year and finally call the vet to get me some pills or something. Unfortunately  he's a cheap wad so I'm not holding out much hope. Maybe I'll hit up the living room bar later on to see what kinds of liquors are on the menu - that might calm me down. Have a happy holiday folks!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Ahhhh... Chooo....

That's all I've been hearing the past few days from the big moron owner. My God, he finally gets a job after months of loafing around the house and then he goes and gets a cold. What a sissy! Works all day, comes home and  practically falls through the door onto the floor exhausted. I'm tired he says - like he was really working hard at his new office - training is probably a piece of cake. I can't imagine them putting him through the ringer on the first weak. Regardless, the mans a big wimp and I want nothing to do with him. At this point, I'll refuse to go for a walk if he asks. Who knows - he might have some kind of weird swine/canine flu? I can't risk getting something from him. Have a good day - I'm disgusted!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Wow, now that the goofball is back working again - I can't believe how relaxing it is around here! It's refreshing to not have to hear all his whining about high food prices or call outs to the heavens questioning, "why me oh Lord?" - Pathetic! Anyway, I'm so excited about all this that I actually skipped the early afternoon patrol to take a decent nap today. I tell you - this sure is the life! Now I just have to pray that the village idiot doesn't do something stupid to screw this up. The last thing I need is another couple of months of his idiocy around here. As for me - I'm going to continue writing my thoughts and continue to enjoy my extended afternoon naps  - which is my right. Enjoy the day folks!