Concerns for the economy...

I’m a bit concerned today about the economy and what it may mean to my employment. Traditionally, Security is a pretty safe bet during rough times but now I’m not so sure. Ramses, a Doberman from down the street, was released the other day after thirteen years on the job! He mentioned the other week through the fence that his employer was upset  with his performance and was thinking about, “options”. How ridiculous is that? Apparently his boss was miffed because Ramses was having a difficult time getting up off the floor, which he said was due to his not feeling well. Sure he might have been slower reacting to security threats but he still had value - hardly a valid reason to punish him. Ramses also mentioned that they were talking about sending him to some kind of Kennel in the sky or something of that manner.

 I guess they must have made their decision because it all hit the fan the other day. Can you believe that after all those years of service they fired him - just like that? They didn’t even have the decency to let him walk out on his own. Instead they carried him out of the house. So embarrassed were they by what the neighbors might think that they actually tried to hide his identity by wrapping him in a blanket  - even his face! I’m sure he had a hard time breathing in there. They could not fool me though- I knew it was Ramses because I recognized his scent. Funny, it was stronger than usual? Huh... they must not have given him a bath in a while I guess.

Anyway – this is not the first instance of this type of behavior to go on in the neighborhood and one could safely blame the economy considering all the bad press lately. I know my owner has been affected - I’ve been switched to a cheaper grade of food. Fortunately for me, I still provide a good return on his investment. I guess I shouldn’t worry too much because I doubt any of them are qualified to keep the vermin outside the perimeter. They don’t even recognize threats when they see them! Just yesterday the owner was outside and actually called a flea-bag cat over - and if that wasn’t bad enough - he even touch the little parasite!  Undermined my authority just like that! I had just gotten done warning that little pariah to keep away from our house and then the goofball decides to call it over. I’m beside myself  right now! You know what, I’m not worried about this position after all - I don’t care anymore. Let them displace me – I welcome it! I’m not appreciated here anyway so fine. I can always find someone  willing to take on new security. The old guy down the street is always yelling at kids who come near his lawn - maybe I’ll shoot him a resume. I could also try to track down Ramses and see what he's up to. I’m sure there aren’t too many Kennels in the sky since I’ve never heard of them before. It doesn’t sound like a franchised business either. I’ll have to give this some more thought. Have a good day.

Being held captive...

I must say that I'm a bit depressed today. Talk about being made into a pariah! Look at my conditions and decide for yourself. One look at this fence is all you should need. Notice the large sign in red, "Beware of Dog". Is this really necessary? I consider myself to be quite level headed, if not charming - I'm not sure what there is to, " beware of". Now granted there has been trouble in my past where I might have been a bit too strong pawed with other dogs but I'm reformed. Believe me when I say that I really do want friends now. Gone are the anti-social tendencies of my youth  like when I planted Jake, the next door neighbor dog, into the ground for drinking out of my water dish - not that he didn't have it coming. What the hell was he thinking?! But I digress, Gone also are the uncontrolled days where I would pull my owner on leash with all my being  - choking myself -to get at a cat or squirrel or any other dumb, useless, don't deserve to live animals. The gall of those infidels knows no end! I swear - if I even get my teeth into them - oh ... they will rue the  day of their bastardized births! Sorry... I digress again. Listen, it's not that I'm a bad dog - ask my family. I have my faults but I would never purposely  hurt anyone or anything. Yes, I'm changed - turned over a new leaf. Reformed myself and definitely deserve to be allowed to move though the neighborhood  with little to no supervision.  I ask that you contact my owner and put a good word in for my parole. Just look at my picture above - yes that is me looking out my small window into the world. I watch as my tormentors paraded in front of my home day and night - urinating and defecating on MY GRASS!!!! If I could just get out one time, I could show them once and for all who holds sway on this street! Oh, and don't even get me started on that little guy with the blue shorts and leather pouch who places taunting letters into my mail slot EVERY DAY JUST TO MOCK ME!!!! I'm pretty sure he is Korean and you know what that means. Oh.... I get a bit emotional from being cooped up. Now you know why I must get out. Please remember to put a good word in for me -I will not let you down.

Dancing with the... ?

I watched, "Dancing with the Stars" last night and for the life of me could not find one star in the lot.  Where was Benji, Lassie, Morris the cat, or Rin Tin Tin? I think the producers are missing a golden opportunity here to include some of our most beloved animal actors. Instead, they continue to dip into the endless boredom of, "B" and "C" list has beens! Who would not love to see Abraham the goldfish from, "Different Strokes" in competition with Willie the Orca from, "Free Willie"? Or how about Tiger from, "Brady Bunch" up against Mr. Ed?  I'd bet that Air Bud vs Clinton presidential cat - Socks would have them stacked three deep in the aisles! Any animal pairing would be better than the two bit hacks and former reali-crap stars on they have on currently! Giles Marini - really? What is his claim to fame? One shower scene in the, "Sex in the City" movie and he's a star?!! Back in the day, we called that, " background"! I'm totally disgusted! Gone are the days of pure unadulterated animal enjoyment. There was a time, not too long ago, where one could find all manners of  magical animal acts on network television. Variety shows of yesteryear were laden with a plethora of highbrow acts - cheeky Cockatoos, dancing poodles and bears, and trained pigeons flying in formation. My God it was beautiful! Now - nothing! I blame Letterman! It was he who cheapened the whole genre with his oh so clever - "Stupid Pet Tricks". That man should be banned from television or sent back to do the weather reports like when he started! As for me -I'm done! From now on its only Fox news and Animal Planet! You guys can have the rest. Where is, "When Animals Attack" when the world needs it? 

Does anyone like Mondays?

Here we go again  - another week of the grind. I'm really getting tired of the security game! Maybe I should go into another field. I hear the medical field is expanding. I wonder if it's too late to become a seeing eye dog? Of course they probably would not take me with my uncontrolled urges to grab other dogs by the scruffs or basically chase animals. At least I'm house trained ... that is as long as I have my regular food. Well, I'm going to scour the classifieds and see what is out there. Oops, I gotta go - I smell someone walking up the front sidewalk. Might be some of those damn Johovah's Witnesses!

Easy like Sunday....

Tired, bored ... been stuck in backyard for most of the day. Weird green parrots are squawking on the power line above the garage. Can't understand what they are saying - damn foreigners! Anyway, I'm still depressed that the owner would not let me rip out the sprinkler system. Oh, well - maybe he will come around. I'm going to roll in the sun and then take  a nap. Have a pleasant Sunday!

Thwarted!!!

All my best plans laid to waste - I sit dejected today - a beaten dog. I was in rare digging form yesterday - snout was keen to the mossy smell of the soil, claws sharp and ready for the job at hand, and ears pinned back for maximum overdrive. I would put an end to the tyranny of the sprinkler system! Too long I had suffered the wrath of its unexpected water rage -soaking me as I squat helplessly in prone early morning dump position. But alas - an unholy alliance had been forged - conspirators! Apparently the sprinkler has taken over the feeble mind of my dim-witted owner. I'm not sure how or when this happened - I just know he had been taken in and schooled in the ways of the ninja like sprinkler attack. Who would have thought my slow paced/lazed owner could move with such gazelle like speed? Before I could dissect my first root ball from grass clump he was on me. One swing of his mighty newspapered hand was all it took to send me in a four paw scurry for shelter. Surprise ... shock... dismay, All I could think was ... Et tu, Homeowner?... Et tu?. Oh, the humanity - traitorous, treasonous, vile lump of flesh! But... I shall move on - my day shall come as well. I too shall bask in glorious victory one day. I shall never give up, or in to this tyranny! On that day of sweet justice the bells of the city will ring, the choirs of heaven will sing, and the masses will shout from the rooftops, "Yes this is the day of our FREEDOM - FREEDOM for the righteous. FREEDOM for the powerless. FREEDOM for the disenfranchised!" I now proclaim on this day of days... I shall defeat you sprinkler!

Ah Sunshine...

Wonderful day in Burbank - sun is shining - birds are singing - damn those birds!!!! Anyway, I'm moving ahead with my plans to rip the sprinklers out of the ground today. I received all the necessary permits - which I myself issued. Now it is full speed ahead! I'll let you know how it works out. Wish me luck.