Thursday, May 14, 2009

Applying a pack mentality to the workplace...

Disclaimer: The following is the opinion of a large dog and thus written from an animal perspective. In no way does the author expect any these actions to be adopted by humans - they are in fact - only suggestions. We are sorry if this post offends anyone  -  blame animal instincts. 

I'm going to step out of my usual focus on complaints against my owner and personal stories to talk about the current state of the workplace. By now, we are all aware that many businesses are failing during these tough economic times. Difficult choices are being made on a daily basis by those fortunate enough to keep their doors open. Many are cutting costs by reducing their workforce. Unfortunately, those remaining workers are being asked to add additional responsibilities and/or longer hours in order to fill the voids left behind by the displaced workers.  It is no wonder then that these remaining workers are suffering from low morale. With all this in mind, how can one survive or even thrive in the workplace during these unstable times? I suggest one key is to adopt the pack mentality. 
Having a pack mentality requires that workers engage others in order to establish dominance or claim one's place within their department's hierarchy. It is no longer good enough to just show up and work hard or to keep one's supervisor abreast of his or her personal accomplishments. One must now now clash with his rival and vanquish her competition - think cheerleading tryouts. By adopting these strategies, victorious workers will ensure their ability to provide for future bloodlines while also attaining personal satisfaction. The pack mentality has served the animal kingdom well for ages and let us not forget that humans have also used such practices before in the workplace - some as recently as the early 1980s. 

So where do we start? Let us examine some possible scenarios. For our first example, we have two coworkers within a department - Bob and Charlie. Each has arrived at the copy machine at the same time. Both have important presentations to make in a short amount of time so both must have copies made as soon as possible. Bob, a new follower of the pack mentality, grabs Charlie by the back of the neck and forces him to the floor. Charlie tries to fight  back but is physically overmatched. Charlie must now submit himself by demonstrating that he understands his new role by rolling onto his back and also avoiding eye contact. Bob can now claim both the copier machine and Charlie's presentation for his own. Bob may also elect to claim Charlie's cubicle by marking it. As for Charlie, he must now hang out at the outskirts of the office as an outcast or leave to establish himself within another company.
Our next scenario involves Linda and Gloria. Linda has been working for the same department for ten years without any consideration for a promotion. Gloria has been Linda's immediate supervisor all the while. Linda, a new follower of the pack mentality, approaches Gloria one day. Before Gloria has a chance to say good morning, Linda grabs her supervisor by the hair, and gently pushes her into the break room vending machine accidently breaking the glass front. Gloria, not  having kept abreast of the business trends of the day, quickly learns the hard way that she is being replaced by her subordinate and so must leave the company. As added benefit, Linda becomes popular with her underlings by supplying free snacks for all.

Our last example is a glimpse into what the new office environment may eventually look like. Office clerks - Gary and Joan are making small chat around the water cooler about a popular television show from the night before. As they are having their discussion, Ben from the mailroom approaches to get a drink. Knowing that their water supply is low and that one of them will have to replace the soon to be emptied bottle, Gary and Joan first warn off Ben with a series of low growls. Undaunted, Ben inches closer and receives the stronger showing of bare teeth from the two. Hesitant, Ben continues to inch closer until Joan attacks  - latching onto Ben's arm with her powerful jaws. Gary rounds from behind and bites Ben's leg - each giving a healthy dose of justice by wrenching their heads from side to side. Ben is quickly put back into his place and scurries back to the mailroom to address his wounds. He will not soon forget his defeat and will surely think twice before attempting another such power play. Gary and Joan are now free to continue their conversation- happy to have all the water to themselves. 
In these trying times where personal workplace opportunities and satisfaction are scarce. Workers must claim their place in the office as well as their share of personal happiness. One way is to adopt the pack mentality. I hope my suggestions come as a God send to those who need to hear my words. For those of you who need further assistance, look for my new Pack Mentality Power Programs coming to a city near you. I also hope to have some self help DVD's and CDs available for this coming Christmas season. Have a good day folks.


  1. Haley, you're on to something here. I am finding it more and more difficult to cope the polite way. Perhaps if I started humping legs of coworkers I might be able to get them to submit. All I can tell you is that NO ONE rolls over and shows me their belly, and I need that. My fragile human ego is jonesing for that.

    I will try your way as mine is clearly not working.

  2. Glad to be of service. Let me know how it goes!

  3. What perfect timing...I overheard some disturbing office chatter today that made me realize that I need to get my shi* together or I will be un-packed soon. Thanks.

  4. i think im gonna like linda