Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I've been dreading this letter...

I'm reminded today that my ten-year reunion is coming up this fall. It is hard to believe that ten years has passed since my graduation from Verdugo Hills Canine Academy! Man, I hated every minute of  my time spent at that lousy school! Now the question is... do I want to attend? One part of me thinks that I should drop a few pounds, get a new collar and dazzle them with how fabulous I look for my age. The other wants to grab all those bastards by their lousy scruffs and dispense some justice! Oh how I loathed all of those show-offs and their constant calls for attention! "Look at me... look how well I sit." Or, "Look at me... I know how to give my paw." And my personal favorite, "Look at me... I don't pull on the leash when I walk!" Those creatures made my time there a living hell!  And if it wasn't bad enough being forced to do their little sadomasochistic tricks in school, the big half-wit insisted that we practice all week outside of the class. I can still remember walking back and forth down the street - all the while I had to stay to the left side and try and anticipate when the doofus was going to stop or turn around. I tell you - I still hold a grudge about all that stuff he put me thru since it was all for his benefit! What was in it for me? And why was I not good enough the way I was to begin with? I listened to him some of the time. What else did he want? What was the point?  Really -did I do anything with that stupid certificate anyway? It's just sitting in a box somewhere collecting dust! And let's not forget all those great students there that I had to put up with in order to get that stinking piece of paper.
The one who really ticked me off was the little Bichon Frise bitch, "Vuitton" She was the one who was always sashaying around each week with a different jeweled collar around her neck from her stupid collection. She thought she was all that! It was pathetic watching all the male dogs always trying to sniff that skank. And their male owners were just as bad - ogling her sparsely-clad human owner  who wore a different, "Von-Dutch" trucker hat each week. Oh, the damage I wanted to inflict on those two! Vuitton was also the one who had me upset for a whole week after calling me a, "common working dog" in front of, "Sos" the Alaskan malamute. She knew we were talking about meeting up at the dog park so she went and turned him against me. Oh, how I would love to get her back! She wasn't the only one I despised - there were others.
Vuitton was closely matched by, "Maria" the shaky little Chihuahua bitch who claimed to be from Spain - yeah right! She too was acting like class was some sort of mixer and always tried her best to show me up.  She actually had the nerve once to say I was big and clumsy like my owner! I responded by calling her lunchmeat and then proceeded to try and show her why. Needless to say - I had major points deducted that day for my conduct. To make matters worse, when we got home, the goofball owner complained to his wife that he was embarrassed by my behavior. He didn't even try to stick up for me - even though he heard what that dog said! It was all enough to make me want to drop out. Unfortunately, the dope kept dragging me back week after week. 
I was never so glad as when I heard my name called on Graduation Day! I remember thinking " Thank God this is over!" And, " I never have to see these mongrels again!" I was free - at least until I received the reunion letter in the mail slot today. Of course it was the guy wearing the blue shorts and carrying the leather pouch who would be the one leaving it for me. I tell you, he just lives to taunt me! Everyday I bark for him to get the hell out of here and everyday he just keeps coming back anyway! 
So what do I do now? My first thought was to eat the letter - preventing the owner from discovering it and getting any bright ideas. Unfortunately, I'll have to shoot that one down because of my inability to digest paper and the owner's concern regarding anomalies in my stool. I'm leaning in the direction of burying it in the back yard. This would add another level of protection since the sprinkler's water would surely ruin any traces the owner otherwise might find. Of course it will be odd depending on one of my mortal enemies, "the sprinkler" to help me out of this mess. There's gotta be a book in here somewhere. Oh well, I digress. Ok, it's decided then -burying the letter in the backyard is the way to go. Well I'm off. Have a great day! 


  1. You shouldn't worry. Ten years looks good on you. Don't let some anorexic chihuahua bitch steal your thunder. Embrace your curves. Chickening out is for poultry, girl. Get your strut on and own the place. You know you can do it. Worse thing that could happen is you get another opportunity to bitch-slap the Bichon!

  2. DG - you're probably right. I may have to think this over some more and decide later.

  3. Aw come on. You should go and have fun. Perhaps you'll find out that some of those bitches were tragically hit by a car or something.