Sunday, May 3, 2009

Special Sunday Post... don't expect these every week.

Saturday night is over and - what a relief! What had the makings of a potential tragedy, thankfully turned out to be nothing after all. You see, La Jefe Estupido and his wife allowed their eight-year old boy to have a friend sleepover last night. Of course, nobody thought enough to consult me to see if I had any concerns. I guess we can add another link to that long chain of disrespect given to this security expert! Why am I even here? Have you ever seen the human President's Secret Service get ignored when plans are made?  Why should this case be any different?

I guess they've forgotten that I've devised a strict set of protocols that need to be met before any individual or groups are allowed onto the family compound. First of all, there is a fifty-page questionnaire used to measure family compatibility and visitor sanity. It includes such questions as, "Are you, or have you ever been a member of  the Communist Party?"  And, "On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like dogs?" All these questions need to be passed with a minimum 90% grade in order for candidates to be proceed to the next round. Next, prospects are administered the Wonderlic IQ test used by NFL teams leading up to the NFL Draft. Future visitors must score close to the genius category in order to advance to the last and most grueling level. Coming down the stretch, successful candidates are subjected to a comprehensive series of  background checks  - which include interviews with family, friends, employers, and a  law enforcement search covering the past twenty-five years. Oh, and we also check college transcripts here as well. While the interviews are being administered, potential visitors are kept under strict video surveillance 24/7 and  are required to wear tracking bracelets. 

If a candidate makes it thru my vetting process, he or she is upgraded to the level of temporary guest. They are then reserved a specific date to be used for visitation purposes. If for any reason they cannot fulfill this visitation date, the process starts over from the very beginning. Tuff system? You bet - but necessary in this crazy day and age. Of course my family has decided to bypass my system potentially putting our family into the devious hands of subsequent terrorists. 
 That could have been the case last night with the eight-year old visitor but luckily for all of us, I am trained to keep a vigilant eye - and basic animal instincts honed, for dangerous, unscrupulous characters. Thankfully, my fears quickly subsided when this child entered our home and rubbed my ears... leading to my conclusion that he was not evil after all. Of course had I not been here, who knows what might have happened? Maybe my mere presence turned this child to the good side? Who knows, he may have been scared straight by my fearsome tail wagging or something of the sort but I guess we'll never know. Overall - the family's decisions come as no surprise to me anymore. Why? Because the lunatics are running the asylum! I'll talk to you guys later - I'm disgusted!

6 comments:

  1. Smart kid. I'd rub your ears too. You're a pretty cute pooch.

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  3. oh ive found that establishing strict entry protocols then quietly accepting bribes on the side is a pretty good system.

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  4. Dear Haley,

    Perhaps you could come talk to my dog. She likes to pee on the bathmats whenever one of her human litter has a friend sleep over. Not sure if this is marking, or a big "F.U." for the intrusion or if she just wants to beat the 12 year old boys to it (aim is not their strong suit). Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

    P.S. - I don't know if you are a boy or a girl, but my dog is a hot Lab/Shepard/ Bassett mix. She's short legged, but very long waisted (if you're into that kind of thing). Just thought I'd put that out there. Not that I'd pimp or anything. . .

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  5. DG,
    The marking of the bath-mats is interesting. I'm thinking that her marking of the rug is the result of the boy's bad aim. It reminds me of how we dogs act outdoors after we come across other dog's markings. We spray our scent over theirs to claim the turf for our kingdom. Overall, we dogs are always thinking about our place in the pack and keep an eye out for promotional opportunities.
    As for me, I am a female dog but have the help of my male assistant writer - its a thumb thing. Anyway, I'm fixed so I guess I'm really not into much. In fact, my uncontrolled urges to dominate all other dogs usually overrides any of those types of feelings. I hope this has helped!

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