Another Real News Story With A Fake Twist...

Jim Cole/AP

I have bittersweet news this morning that is a bit different from the usual stories of weekend hangovers, and dealing with cases of the Mondays. Today I can proudly announce that a restaurant in Concord, N.H has brought the prestigious recognition of world's largest meatball back to the United States! That is correct folks - the world once again knows who holds sway in regards to overly rotund meatballs - hip, hip, HOORAY! The former meatball record holder from Mexico has nothing on us now after feeling the crushing effects of our mammoth 222.5 lb frame crushing its girly like 198.6 lbs! USA! USA! USA!

Organizers were exhausted and stated that breaking the record was not an easy feet. In addition to rounding up the massive amount meat products, they had to secure an oven large enough to accommodate the sphere of carnivorous delights. (Special thanks to the Johnson Family Crematorium!) Unfortunately, not all the news was pleasant for police were called in to tame an unruly group of rabble-rousers that had gathered outside the judging venue chanting, "We're hungry - give us the meatball" 

Thankfully, order was restored quickly with the help of riot police, rubber bullets, and tear gas. (Congratulations to Sergeant Smith on the impressive beat down score of 24,550!) Anyway, order was restored after the raggedy masses (consisting mainly of gaunt looking women and dirty-faced kids) were pushed back to a safe distance. Not all in attendance were happy with the way the situation was handle. 

Mayor Winston Brick stated that he was greatly embarrassment by the proceedings and called for a full investigation into the actions of the police. He went on to say that those responsible for today's events had left him sickened and had these few choice words, "Today we missed a golden opportunity to show the world our greatness. Instead of singing the praises of our juicy meatball... we now hang our heads in shame. For today we witnessed justice administered with velvet gloves when what was needed was an iron fist! How can our nation keep its standing when we can't even deal with lowlifes in an appropriate manner? I'm so sickened by this pansy display that I won't even be able to eat any of the victorious meatball now!" 

With those words, the Mayor ordered that the meatball be taken to a secured landfill and buried. Guards were then placed around the site with orders to shoot anyone who should come near. So ends the story of our world record meatball. Try to have a good day folks! At least we still have the record!