Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Applying the Pack Mentality to Team Building...

Disclaimer: The following is the opinion of a large dog and thus written from the animal perspective. In no way does the author expect any these actions to be adopted by humans - they are only suggestions. We are sorry if this post offends anyone  -  blame animal instincts. 

Today we explore the concept of using the pack mentality in order to promote a team atmosphere within an office, sports team, or anywhere a group mindset is needed. Taking a group of individuals and molding them into one single minded unit is not an easy undertaking. That is why businesses are constantly searching for talented consultants and effective exercises. I'm not particularly inspired or blown away by any of the current human charlatans on the team building circuit. Trust falls and name games are basically lame and should only be implemented by those who wait for their own extinction! In fact, I can safely say that not one of those inferior techniques comes close in effectiveness to those used by the animal kingdom. So today I offer you humans a glimpse into perfection by revealing two of our most effective team building exercises. 

Exercise #1: Feast - all for one:
For this exercise you will need a farm, game preserve, or ramshackle bus station - secure permission beforehand. Divide members into two groups - chasers and enders -according to each individual's speed and quickness. Chasers will choose a target and drive it into the waiting arms of the enders. The best targets are slow lumbering animals such as cows, donkeys, or any seasoned DMV worker. Next herd your target towards the enders and then let the good times roll. It works best if chasers soften up the game with their teeth during the chase before any ender moves in. Working together, all members will perform their jobs in order to enjoy the ensuing feast - chasers get first dibs on entrails. For those faint of heart team members, start off slowly with mild green chili burritos before moving on to bigger game.

Exercise #2: Divide and conquer:
Just as the name suggests - confront your adversaries one by one in order to acquire food resources, old furniture, and females for breeding. We suggest using current female team members, alcohol, or combinations of the two in order to lure individual enemy combatants out. First have your females (works best when they are in heat) spray their scent around the outside of the target's headquarters - or just set alcohol outside front door. Next, phone the target and ask to speak to any of the common human names such as Bob, Joe, or Dave *metro areas use television names - Jackson, Boone, or Gil. Once the unsuspecting target is on the line, tell them that you have delivered a hot female or female in heat to his front door. When he comes out to investigate - encircle target and attack with teeth, claws, or badly written poetry. Repeat process as needed.

Well there you have it. Two of the animal kingdoms most effective team building exercises are now at your command. Now that you are aware, I expect to see them used wisely in order to advance your pack's standing in the community - or at least to stick it to as many of those nefarious DMV workers as possible. As always, look for my new Pack Mentality Power Programs coming soon to a city near you. I also hope to have some self help DVD's and CDs available for this coming Christmas season. Have a good day folks!


  1. what is this breeding you speak of?

  2. I guess someone didn't pay attention in Animal Instincts 101

  3. Sounds way better than the treasure hunt exercise or trying to untie yourself from world's largest human knot.