Saturday question of the week... #3

Saw an old guy today who was wearing one of those tan short-sleeved jumpsuits. It looked comfortable and judging by his demeanor - he really enjoyed wearing it. So why hasn't the jumpsuit taken over? It was good enough for the Ghost Busters - why not the general public?

My new adventure... real estate

Once again my need to escape my moronic owner and his house of idiocy has led me to focus on a career change from security. Today I was thinking real estate so I joined an online class with hopes of obtaining a license. I'm not sure which Burbank broker will allow me to work under his or her company but I hear that Bill Toth and Associates is the best in Burbank so I will try that office first. I'm trying to come up with a fancy jingle like - Buy from Haley dog - you can trust man's best friend! It's a work in progress so cut me some slack. Besides, I'll have a month or so to perfect it.

Anyway, I'm hoping real estate provides me the funds to move into my own place. I banking on the fact the canine market is one that has been completely untapped. I know many of you may have doubts but hear me out. There are millions of dogs across this country. Many are unable to move from their backyard doghouses either because they are tied up or fenced in. I can come in and help facilitate their move for a small percentage of food - say 3% for each party. There are plenty of dogs out there that have outgrown their current homes or would just like to upgrade but nobody is there to represent or help them. That is where I will come in. With a good bolt cutter and contracts in hand, I shall free these dogs and relocate them to their dream homes.

I already know who my first client is going to be - Fender  - a chocolate lab from down the street who has a stunning one-story doghouse in a tree-lined backyard here in the much desired media district of Burbank. He has been complaining through the fence for months that he has outgrown his home and is dreading the coming wet winter mainly because his rear end sticks out the doorway of his home. 

The home itself is only a few years old and is made of sturdy wood construction. It comes complete with real asphalt shingle roofing and new carpeting. Sniff checks reveals no termite infestation but potential buyers are advised to schedule their own testing. The home will be listed at $250.00 and I hope to have a virtual tour on my upcoming website a week or so after receiving my license. Fender will be selling contingent upon his finding a suitable home so that is the only disclosure. He is looking to move to a spacious yard in the Burbank hills so if anyone hears of anything let me know.  Ok, I better get cracking on my courses. Have a great day folks!

A warning about those damn raccoons and other little animals...

I'm so right on some times it scares me. I've been telling people for years about the dangers of the outside wild vermin - but somehow it always falls upon deaf ears. My job here at the compound is to patrol the grounds and keep the possums, squirrels and raccoons from infiltrating the perimeter. But I'm always hearing about how those raccoons are so cute this or adorable that. I've been called a bully by the neighbors and even my goofball owner for chasing the little rat bastards off the grounds. Well folks -here is the story that sets the record straight.

In Lakeland Florida, a 74 year old Grandmother was viciously attacked by a band of five roaming raccoons. The woman had noticed the five in the front yard and decided to go out and shoo the little dears away. What the old woman didn't know is that those little masked bandits had a 55 gallon drum of kick-ass waiting for her. Once she was outside they reared and attacked - knocking her to the ground  - scratching and biting her mercilessly. The sheriff on the scene afterwards said he was shocked at the amount of damage those five  were able to administer. 

Residents have now banded together putting out traps to capture the five but the damage has been done. Too often people have underestimated the little animals of the world. A lousy squirrel would love nothing better than to go for your jugular or groin, and rabbits always go for the eyes when they attack. Even your  so called - gentle hummingbird becomes an instrument of death  when moving at the proper speed and flying straight into your temple with that long pointed beak. So heed my warnings - do not approach these little animals unless you are prepared to dance with the reaper. Man I deserve a raise around here. Have a great day folks!

Stop cleaning the gene pool with wildlife!

Public health and consumer laws should be applauded for saving millions of lives over the past 40 or so years but there is still work to be done. We should rejoice that today's children no longer have to play with the deathtrap toys their counterparts of yesteryear used. Listen to any boomer and he or she will describe the toys they played with - toys with long  wire pull strings that easily wrapped around their necks, metal toys with sharp edges that would impale them as they tussled with their siblings on the floor, and small choking sized toys that somehow surprised many of their parent years ago. Let's not forget these were the same parents that were blowing cigarette smoke into their kid's faces for fun. But not enough systems are in place to save everyone!

Dangers were many years ago and not all the kids made it through -which may account for why families had more kids. Parents had to figure that there were going to break a few eggs making their family omelette. Anyway, for good or bad,  the government came along and helped these people by providing  needed educational campaigns. They even saw fit to place warnings on plastic grocery bags to educate parents about the bag's tendency to climb up a toddler or infant's body and affix itself over the child's head. How many innocent lives were save?

So by conservative estimates we can probably guess that thousands - if not millions of people have been saved with these successful educational campaigns. Unfortunately - some people can not be helped. Some out there refuse to heed the warnings or are unable to recognize dangers unless there is a posted warning sign to read. Even if they see a warning - they do not always believe. These are the ones we need to focus our energies on in order to save them from cleaning their own gene pool.

Today we hear a report out of Alberta Canada that two men broke into a zoo in the early am hours by climbing an eight foot fence topped with barbed wire. This was the first of two fences that separates the public from, "Vitali" a two year old Siberian Tiger on the other side. Apparently - being inside the first fence did not afford a close enough look at Vitali so one of the men moved closer to the interior fence - close enough that the tiger was able to grab his arm and pull it through and maul it. Fortunately for the man, he was able to make it out alive. I know what most of you are thinking - how could they be so stupid?

But let's not rush to judgement here. Nowhere in the story did it say that there were posted warning signs anywhere in the area, nor did it say that the tiger gave clear verbal or physical warnings to the men that he - the tiger - was a dangerous carnivore - which  one would think would be mandatory in this day and age. Anyway, who of you out there knows the danger of entering the cage of a little 600 lb tiger? How many of you have ever done it? We don't normally see tigers around our suburban neighborhoods - perhaps the men viewed the tiger on the same lines of our common domesticated house cats - just a bigger version. I know of many a person who has approached a kitty on the street in order to hold it and love it up. Maybe the men saw the tiger and just wanted to give it a loving squeeze or pay a visit? 

Oh well, hopefully now the zoo will post warning signs all over that area to protect these types of people. But we will still not have solved the problem. What are we to do about people who visit the National Parks and wild game preserves? Who will help them recognize a groundhog from a grizzly bear, a badger from a Bengal tiger or a Koala from a cobra? No my friends there is still work to be done. We need to save these people. Good luck and God bless!

Fistfight at 30,000 feet?

How would you like to be on a passenger jet cruising at 30,000 feet when the pilots and crew members engage in a fistfight? Well, that is just what was witnessed by passengers on an Air India jet recently. Keep in mind this was not about restraining an unruly passenger or anything like that - they were fighting over a report that one of the pilots had molested one of the female crew members. I can understand sticking up for the woman but maybe someone should have thought a bit deeper before deciding to open cans of whoop-ass in front of the passengers. Let us cover a few scenarios:

1) Hooray - crew members are successful at giving the pilots the beat down effectively teaching the, " keep your filthy hands off of the ladies" lesson. Victory to the oppressed yes, but then who left is capable of flying/landing the plane? Scenario # 1 proves that chivalry is not dead - all the passengers yes - but chivalry no!

2) Hooray - Pilots give the beat down to the surly crew members - putting the bastards in their place. Ok, now I know they can be slightly annoying at times with all the emergency directions, seat belt reminders, and checking your slightly larger than the overhead storage area bag, but who the hell is going to serve the alcohol after all the flight attendants get rung up? Not me - no I'm sticking with scenario #1 since I need the alcohol in order to fly these days.

3) Hooray- the pilots promise to not play grab-ass for the remainder of the flight and the molested woman is allowed to rest and recover from being groped. After the flight lands, the authorities are called in to investigate the incident when all the passengers are safely on the ground.  You know - call me crazy but I do believe that this  is the one I prefer since if I'm a passenger I get my drinks (a bit slower with one less staff member) and I get to live. 

Well there you have it. I'm hoping that someone from Air India comes across this post and adds it to their training manuel. I believe their passengers will prefer it.

NOTE: The picture above does not depict any of the people involved in the ruckus - at least as far as I know.

Saturday question of the week... #3

Who has the best coffee?

I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen...

Not sure why I even bother since nobody ever listens to me. Maybe, if the idiot owner ever investigated when I was barking - he might find out something interesting. Like... I don't know - there's someone rifling through your car in the driveway and is about to make off with that GPS navigator system you like so much. But I guess some people always need to learn the hard way. 

This of course is nothing new - we've been down this road before. He gets his stuff taken and then he gets mad saying I should have informed him. Informed him?! I was barking like a moron for a whole ten minutes outside. And what was his response? He yelled from the sofa that I should quiet down. What the hell did he think I was doing? I guess I was supposed to walk into the house and tap him on the shoulder saying, "Excuse me Mr Owner sir but you better move quickly because there is someone pilfering your possessions in the driveway." Or maybe I was just supposed to rig up some elaborate system of search lights and sirens like they have at prisons? 

It's not like he would have done anything anyway. I seriously doubt he was going to run outside and slap an MMA style arm bar submission or guillotine choke hold on the guy. At the most -he would have just yelled at the guy to get out of his car and then called the police. 

Anyway, if there is anyone he should be upset with - it should be himself for leaving the car door unlocked. Don't blame me because you didn't think - take ownership! Oh well, I'm disgusted - but that's my lot in life. I'm spending the weekend in my dog hole. Have a good one!