So I got into the garbage this morning and lost control- I ate waste like a crazed animal. Whatever I couldn't eat, I merrily rolled around in... It's what I do. Anyway, as I was just about finish, I heard the unmistakable sound of early morning doofus traffic coming from the den of the dimwit. Had my frolicking stirred the big moron to action or was it that I just lost track of his wake up time in all of my excitement? Before I could get untangled from the heavenly wrappings of old banana peels, used coffee filters and remnants of the shredded hefty bag, the lumbering fool rounded the corner rubbing his dull eyes and scratching his partially covered - from drooping boxers - derriere. Unfortunately for me, my scene was not well received. I was read the riot act while being rudely escorted to the back door by the collar. If that wasn't bad enough, I was then gruffly told to get out and stay out. Baby Huey then stomped back inside to further disrespect me by cleaning up my fabulous creation. Every now and then he would stop and glare out the window - scrunching his face in disapproval in order to administer a dose of the old gypsy eye. Of course I always find this ineffective because when he scrunches his doughboy face, those two unkempt eyebrows of his become kissing caterpillars -making him look like a fat faced Bert from Sesame Street complete with unibrow. His comical look is further cemented by early morning hair, which always stands up straight.
So now I've been banished to the frigid outside world of Burbank, CA. I swear it must be about 68 degrees out here this morning. I wonder if I can report him for abuse? Well, at least he filled my water bowl but that doesn't make this any easier to endure. What nerve this guy has - I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him after this! And where does he get off taking all of my glorious garbage and throwing it away? I worked hard to get that pantry door open and then the bag - nobody wanted that stuff anymore so I claimed it. If anyone knows a good lawyer here in the Burbank area I'd sure appreciate a referral. Ok, I'm going to my dog hole and hopefully calm down... darn stupid owner! Have a good day folks!
You are so sweet. I don't know how that owner could be mad at you. I will look into dog lawyers for you.
ReplyDeleteI swear, dog owners ain't what they used to be. It's all about them, them, them nowadays. It's as though they have no appreciation for what you dogs DO anymore. And 68 degrees? BRRRRRRR!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSue- thanks for the help! A lawyer/butcher would be best if you can find one.
ReplyDeleteNanny -I appreciate your sympathy! Finally someone who understands me! Truly you are a Saint among humans. Let me know if your ever in the Burbank are and I will make sure my gate is conveniently open for a quick escape into your car.
I've called PETA on your behalf. They should be showing up shortly. I hope you are able to hang in there, Haley.
ReplyDeleteCandice - thanks for your concern - I think I may be able to hold out a bit longer. Oh, hold on... I think I may see them now in front of the house right now ... no ... false alarm... it's just the goth kids walking home from school. Ok - I'll wait some more.
ReplyDeleteI think Johnny Barkran is available. If not, then look into the law offices of F. Flea Bailey. Or perhaps Larry H. Barker.
ReplyDeleteJeez, I crack myself up.
Chris - I think Johnny Barkran was put to sleep if I'm not mistaken. I'll try F. Flea Baily.
ReplyDeleteHaley,
ReplyDeleteBrownie here. I have to type fast because the human that enslaves me is in the bathroom and for some reason, she comes out of there very fast, unlike the male human in the house who sets up a moblie camp in there and just yells down for the occasional roll of paper. Anyway, I have figured out how to open the refrigerator. But with my cursedly short bassett legs, I can't reach the freezer, and that's where the goods are. I'm talkin' meat - steak, chicken, chops, you name it. So here's my proposition, you hitchhike out here to the east coast, and let me stand on your back to get what's in the freezer. We make a 50/50 split on the proceeds. I'll even give you an extra 5% to reimburse your travel costs. Whadda ya say. Beats dumpster diving any day!
You know what they say -Once you go fridge, you never go back!
Brownie - I say that sounds like one sweet proposition! It may take me some time to get there - lots of planning and such. Just make sure you keep a tally on the human's shopping so we can strike at the right moment.
ReplyDeleteHaley, remember that a great artist is never truly appreciated in their own lifetime.
ReplyDelete192