Friday, October 16, 2009

Tap out?!... Hardly!

In my quest to find a new profession for my remaining years - I decided to examine the highly popular world of Mixed Martial Arts. MMA fighting has grown in popularity and many would say its appeal has far surpassed that of boxing. Unfortunately it appears that their system is biased towards using human competitors. I guess the organizers are fearful of the havoc that would ensue if wild animals were allowed to participate. We animals are confident that we could compete and win against humans if ever given the chance. 

In a typical MMA match, there are a few ways one can win a match; technical knock out (TKO) - where a participant gets blasted by a blow to the head and is rendered unconscious, knock out by submission - where a  choke hold is applied and the recipient loses consciousness, submission by tap out - where one of the competitors willingly gives up due to the pain of an applied submission hold, and lastly - a technical decision rendered by the judges based on points scored. If animals are allowed to compete, we would need to add in some sort of mauling category.

The top class in the MMA world at the moment is the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship. The UFC has grown and benefitted by its hugely popular reality fighting series on Spike TV which they used to grow a loyal viewer base and quality stable of fighters. So where are the fighters from the animal kingdom? Afraid? Maybe they should be because I doubt any human could sustain the pain from the grasp of this German Shepherd's bite without tapping out let alone some of our more dangerous champions. 

Please, don't call yourselves, "Ultimate" when most of the animal kingdom is not even represented! To truly carry that distinction you need to include some of our most fierce predators and  then see how you humans do. Oh, and I know how you guys operate so do leave the weapons at home and just battle with what God gave you - ok? I believe that is the only fair way to do this. Besides, I don't see current MMA fighters entering the octagon with guns on them so the same rules need to apply with us.

We from the animal kingdom propose any of the following matches: grizzly bear v. human, tiger v. human, shark v. human, or even wolverine v. human. I wouldn't want any of those animals for myself, but I'm not labeling any of my fights as, "Ultimate" am I? For the first human fighter/victim - I offer my goofball owner in order to get the ball rolling. I believe he would be a very competitive (appetizer) on the lower card, and then we'll move on to some of your more skilled contestants. I don't believe any animals will have object to my doofus owner - especially after I publish his BMI index in the program. I'm sure all they will see is a tasty snack. As a courtesy, I'll even dress him in yellow tights - so they feel they are fighting some sort of walking twinkie.

So there you have it UFC. What say you?

 Until next time - have a great day folks!


  1. oh! we could be tag team partners! i could wear a mask and a cape and they would call me 'El Niño' and my specialty would be standing behind our opponents so when they step backwards they would trip over me and fall down.

  2. Nooter - sounds like a plan- I'm in!

  3. Having promoted several celebrity boxing matches, I wonder if you'd consider fighting Tanya Harding. We could pay in Milk Bones.

  4. J Giddy - Milk Bones? Sounds good to me. Bring the bitch on!

  5. This looks scaring.