I remember freedom.

Funny, I'm feeling completely stressed out lately. I think it has something to do with the idiot owner still  hanging around all day unable to find any meaningful employment. While I'm outside patrolling the grounds he is watching me. No doubt making some kind of uninformed judgement about my performance. Man I hate when people look over my shoulder as I work. Maybe I should walk off the job to send a message. I did it once before years ago when the gardeners left the gate open after cutting the lawn. I can recall the pure glee that I experienced bounding out that gate into the uncharted free world. The air was immediately fresher. The breeze - cool as fresh ocean air rolling in during an evening cool down.  My snout was experiencing fragrances sharp as those given off after a Summer's rainstorm. I felt alive! Just as I got out I noticed a possum that had been taunting me for over a year in the neighbor's front yard across the street. Man, everything appeared to be coming together. I made my plan to mimic the big cats of the Serengeti that I had witnessed while the big Duffus was watching his learning shows - not that they would ever help him. Anyway, as I started my slow approach across the street to administer  a sweet, long sought after dose of justice,  some sort of monster with two bright glowing eyes as bright as the sun came barreling towards me. It had to have been about nine feet in height and seven to eight feet wide. Wow those bright devil eyes were mesmerizing! I was frozen by them. I braced for the impact but just as I was about to be run over there was this blaring noise accompanied by a high pitched prolonged squeal with bursts of what sounded like hissing. I closed my eyes but when I reopened them I found out that I had not been trampled. I was shaking - took a few seconds to compose myself. When I did get back onto the pavement, there where two old human ladies waiting to grab me by the collar. I fought to break loose but their human hands with opposable thumbs (damn opposable thumbs!) were too much for me. After a few overzealous pats to my head, they inspected my tags to find my address. Unfortunately for me, those two meddling biddies decided to take me back to the house, put me in the yard and shut the gate. I think I heard that damn possum laughing as they escorted me back. Just when I'd thought it was all over, I heard those old hags go to the front door. They ratted me out to the owner and  also read him the riot act about the responsibilities of dog ownership. I'm sure he just stood there dumbfounded as usual - blank stare - trying to figure out what they were telling him. I heard him say that his dog was in the yard to which the old ladies said that they had just put me back inside the gate. He eventually thanked them and then came outside to inspect the gate and give me the ole stink eye. Well that was the end of it - I was back safe and sound and the village idiot quickly got over being upset with me. Not long after that we moved to a side street with less traffic. I often wonder what happened to that monster that passed by that night and why it had decided to spare me. From time to time I have heard it's monstrous shrieking off in the distance but for some reason it doesn't appear to ever come down our street. Maybe it was afraid of me? I may have more power than I think. Maybe it doesn't dare to come down my street because it knows I am here. I guess there is one way to find out. I should try to get out and confront the monster again. Of course I may be wrong and then what? Also, the gardeners are not working for us anymore and the nit-witted owner checks the latch on the gate all the time. Just my luck - not bright enough to find a job but smart enough to keep me locked in. It sure is thick my friends ... it sure is thick! Have a good day!

Friday again...

I'm looking forward to the weekend since the small human boy will be having an egg hunt party this weekend. The only bad thing for me is that I'm going to be put into the bedroom for the event. No fear though since I know that after the party is over, I will be let out to help clean up all the spilt beverages and dropped food items that will be littering the back yard. I will feast on all manner of corn chips, cookies, pretzels and whatever else the Mother human elects to buy for the kids. I have to move quickly though to eat as much as I can before the hose comes out for the final touch up. I would like to partake in all the play but I tend to get a bit too strong with the little ones - knocking them over from time to time. Nothing malicious mind you - I just get a  bit carried away. Oh well, that's the life of a 95 pound dog I guess. Have a good weekend!

From the jaws of defeat....

Almost had a disappointing start to my day but thankfully it all ended in sweet victory. What happened? I'll tell you.  Every morning I start my day in the usual way - walk into the owner's bedroom to help wake the sloth and also inform him that I must go out. Once I'm out, I do my business, patrol the grounds for infiltrators, and then endure the hour long wait for the delivery of household kids to destinations unknown.  All I do know is that it must be a place where they require combed hair and backpacks stuffed with heavy things. Anyway, when the Owner returns from this delivery, he cleans the breakfast table and ... here is the good part - puts the remaining scraps of morning glory into my bowl!!! I so look forward to coming back into the house every morning to the plethora of leftover breakfast items awaiting my ravenous appetite. Unfortunately, this morning my bowl stood empty! Shocked, I thought the owner had forgotten to clean the table but under further inspection I found that the table was indeed clean! What gives? I thought as I walked around the kitchen checking all the corners of the floor hoping that there might be a paper plate or something with a bit of eggs, bacon, poptart or toast.  Instead, I found nothing! I walked up to the owner and I just stood in front of him. After a few moments he realized what I was up to and brushed me off with, "Sorry, the kids ate everything today." statement. I wondered what he would do if when he went into his beloved, " Starbucks" they gave him the same brush off. "Sorry, everyone drank all the coffee today." He would flip out! Probably threaten to write letters to Starbuck's corporate offices or the State Attorney General. If that did not get the reaction he wanted he might pull out the big guns  -threatening to never step foot in the establishment again and on, and on, and on. Yeah, I know - what a jerk! Try living with the man sometime. You would know all this too if you'd ever seen the little hot head in action with the gas, phone, and cable companies. You really do not want to disappoint the guy - especially when you need to be getting somewhere.  Anyway, not wanting the morning to be a total loss, I hunkered down in front of him, to demand what was owed me. He tried a few times to shoo me away but I kept up my persistence. Eventually, he caved saying, "Alright, alright, alright... let me find you something so you'll leave me alone. He reached into the cupboard and extracted a package of pure unadulterated tastiness  - bacon flavored snausage treats!!!! I was beside myself as I turned round and round in circles. I was distracted for just a split second by the sight of one of my most hated nemesis, " The Floating Tail". My first thought was to attack, but I quickly regained my focus and halted myself to receive my share of the food of the Gods! I decided that the Floating Tail battle would have to wait for another time. This was just too important a snack to give up. Gorging myself, I couldn't help but think how what had started off in disappointment quickly turned into one of my more glorious victories! Ah yes, life is good today. Life is indeed good! Watch out Floating Tail, I'm gunning for you!

Tuesday in Burbank

Not much to report today. Owner was outside most of the morning into early afternoon taking care of the lawn. That means I had to stay inside since I'm not the kind of dog who stays in the yard. I'm the one you see running down the street making my owner come get me. I figure that if I get a chance to get out - I'm going for the gusto! 

Well the family is home again...

Must have been nice to get away for a few days. I wouldn't know since I was left behind. No dogs allowed in their hotel room my foot! What a weak explanation for abandoning me while they were out having a good time. I did rip up some  newspapers which made me feel better for a short while. Then I remembered that they sometimes bring me treats from the road such as left over food so I quickly cleaned up my mess. Luckily for me, they had a leftover cheeseburger  which I gladly devoured after the obligatory welcome home dance. I  mainly do it for their benefit since they appear to enjoy that kind of thing. I myself can take it or leave it. As long as I have food in the bowl it doesn't matter which of the meat bags are filing it. Speaking of which, the kid who watched me over the weekend turned out to be alright after all. He game me the correct portion of food that I'm accustomed to and also threw my ball a few times as well. This doesn't make up for the fact that I couldn't go along for the trip. Man I love a car ride! One has not experienced life until one hangs his or her head out of a moving car! Cool air gushing into and blinding the eyes while sweet, warm scents flood the nose. Not to mention the wind vigorously pushing the hairs back across the face - which is one of the only times a dog isn't eating his own hair. Ah yes, a million different types of stimuli being corralled into the starving senses in a mad rush of excitement. Glorious I tell you! One can experience all manner of smells on a single car ride:  the sticky-sweet smells of ice cream and soda, fresh, tart apples, tangy oranges, and sour lemons  - all ripe on the trees - aromatic rose and fresh jasmine bushes bathed in sunlight - the fine scents of fresh newspapers on the area lawns (both wet from the sprinklers and the plastic wrapped dry ones)  - addictive vapors of gasoline and subsequent exhaust fumes emanating from the cars on the roads - and lastly, other animal's pungently appealing juicy droppings and animal farts - why else would we sniff each other's butts. Ah, the cavalcade of smells and external stimuli just makes me swoon thinking about them. All these golden experiences robbed from me with one denied car trip! I think I'm getting depressed again. I guess to make myself feel better I'll do what I do whenever I get like this - go into the back yard and soak up the sun remembering that while I do so, the rest of the household is at school or work. I suggest you join me. It's a wonderfully warm and sunny day here in Burbank, CA with many smells in the air. Enjoy!

Home alone... what the?

Well, here I am again- home alone. They didn't even have the decency to ship me off to the kennel. I mean really... would it have killed them to spend the twenty-five bucks to keep me happy? No... instead they pay some nutty kid a few bucks to feed me and let me out a few times a day. I won't even get a walk out of the deal! I know - I've been down this road before. I'm so ticked off I'm thinking of letting loose on the floor. I'm sure the kid won't believe it worthwhile to clean it up and then the owners might think twice about being cheap again. I'm going to go and rip the newspapers up right now - maybe it will make me feel better. 

What am I doing...

Sometimes I feel that life is just passing me by. It seems just like yesterday that I was a spry young pup without a care in the world. I had friends, enjoyed obedience school, and generally looked forward to what life had in store for me. Then, before you can say, "Kibbles and bits" I'm a senior citizen, stuck in a dead end job with an employer that I don't care much for. Retirement? Highly unlikely  since I have not heard any word of them bringing on any more help around here. I guess their plan is to work me until the day I die. I should have organized years ago when the hamster and fish were around. We had power in numbers back then. We might have made a difference.  No wonder I'm depressed  with all the past opportunities I've missed. To be fair to my owners, my inability to coexist with other dogs may have something to do with their employment decisions but I'm certainly not going to blame myself. Add in my hip problems and failing eyesight and it's enough to make you want to stay on the rug all day.

 I'm starting to struggle with my job. The other day I was on patrol when I saw one of those no good, black and white cats (why are all animals black and white?) strutting in front of the house like it was a Saturday night or something. The arrogance - I just lost it! I went into full on tunnel vision mode. That's when I really can't focus on anything else but taking down the vermin in front of me.  Wow, I'm getting a rush just thinking about it!  Anyway, this flea bitten mongrel is strutting it's stuff and I start my tirade with my best ferocious snarl and then work my way into what I like to call my, "constant bark". That is where I'm barking and you would swear that I'm not even breathing since one bark follows another in quick succession like that of a Gatling gun. Back in the day, it used to send interlopers scurrying but much to my amazement, the  lousy cat just ignored me! At first I thought there was something wrong - like it was deaf or, "special" but then I heard the little stain of the animal world say something to a crow on a branch above about it being a nice day. I was completely and utterly crushed! I went and planted myself behind the hibiscus bush and spent the rest of the day mulling over my life and generally feeling sorry for myself. 

Where did it all go wrong? I think it may have started when they took me away to have me fixed. I've had problems enjoying life since then - and gained a lot of weight which they said would happen.

 It also doesn't help that my life is on display twenty four - seven.  Man, could the owners at least build some kind of screen in the backyard so I could have some privacy when I squat for once! Out of all things - I think that is what bothers me most! Humans act like it's some kind of movie or something. Then they run and get the shovel and throw it in a bin - what are they saving it for? You'd think it was gold or something. I know they don't appreciate their privacy being invaded. On a few occasions I've walked in and just stared at them while they where on their white seats. Now, what was that phrase the owner said that one time? Oh yes, that I was giving him the creeps. Well turn about is fair play is what I told him as I exited. Of course, like always, he just let me walk out without any comment. Sometimes I think he doesn't understand me. Every now and then he seems to show some intelligence when I say something to him but mostly he either ignores me or responds with some stupid question about  Timmy being down a well.  Who the heck is Timmy and why is he fixated on whether this kid is down a well? He also asks his dumb question with the same stupid grin on his face which makes me angrier yet. I really need to get away.

I'm ten now. Probably have another four to five years  - if I'm lucky. Maybe I should move to Miami  so I can enjoy the remainder of my time. Just check out and enjoy myself. I could take up painting. Probably not though since the lack of opposable thumbs make us dogs poor artists. The idea is a nice one though. I'll have to give it more thought. Have a good weekend!