Burbank Travel Series - Spotlight: Monte Carlo

As a dog, I have limited opportunities to get out and explore the world. It's not a surprise then that my view is exclusively of the immediate businesses and yards surrounding my home here in Burbank, CA. This unfortunately prevents me from obtaining my dream of becoming a traveling dog blog writer - on the lines of Anthony Bourdain. I love his style - he always looks as if he is having the time of his life- probably because he is drunk as a skunk most of the time. I'm afraid I'll never get to his level though since I'm stuck here in this prison of a back yard pretending to be the goofball owner's best friend. I guess I shouldn't complain - most eateries Bourdain frequents wouldn't let me in anyway unless they were planning on putting me on the menu. 

So with all this in mind, I thought I would take matters into my own paws and write my own brand based on the areas I can walk to or see from my yard. My first review is on the Monte Carlo Italian Deli here in Burbank. Unfortunately, I couldn't review the interior ambiance or service of the establishment since being a dog - I was quickly chased outside with a broom by the powers that be. What  I can tell you though is that if you like the smell of Italian food mixed with garbage and don't mind eating out of a trash dumpster -come around to the back of the building because this is the place for you! I had the pleasure of gorging myself on all manner of partially eaten foods; pizza, ravioli, sausages, meatball sandwiches, as well as leftover salads and garlic bread pieces. Oh, what a cavalcade of heavenly tastes! I have to admit that I accidentally ate some used napkins in my haste but that is to be expected when one is eating like a starving animal.

As for ambiance, I had the pleasure of a trash dining partner in - Teddy, a local wino I met walking down the back alley, He also doubled as a gracious impromptu host by opening the trash bin for me while I was having thumb issues. I highly recommend dinning with a knowledgeable companion like Teddy who was very adept at explaining the lower end wine selections that the business had to offer. We were having such a wonderful time - talking and laughing that we completely lost track of the time. Just as I was beginning to think our magical evening would never end, one of the kitchen boys came out and chased us off with some choice Spanish profanities. Teddy was nice enough to respond on our behalf but we all knew the night was over. The fence to the bin was locked up for the rest of the evening and I was tragically unable to review any of their delicious desserts. I do hear though that the cannoli is to die for. 

Overall, I highly recommend the dumpster diving feast at Monte Carlo mainly for the food- that is if you are lucky enough to show up on a day when the dumpster's fence is unlocked. The only drawbacks are the dumpster ambiance and service which can use a little work. I suggest bringing your own candles and companion. If you happen to see Teddy say hello - maybe he'll be nice enough to share a swig of his wine selection with you. 

Haley's Dog Ratings: Monte Carlo Dumpster Area Dining 

1. Food - 5 barks
   
2. Ambiance - 3 barks for alluring garbage aroma and soothing electrical transformer hum.
3. Service - 1 bark - we suggest they lose the profanities and forced exit tactics.

Until next time - have a great day folks!

Octocrap!

 

Well, I know one show I'm never planning to watch - the upcoming Octo-Mom show that supposedly is in the works. Why anyone would want to subject himself to watching a house full of screaming kids is beyond me. Those who are interested need to find a local family that has more than 2-3 kids and volunteer to baby-sit for an afternoon. I don't think they'll be too keen on the idea afterwards. We get enough of our own kids having emotional breakdowns - who wants to watch other people’s demon seed freaking out or acting unruly?

What's so special about this bitch anyway? Dogs have multiple pups in a litter all the time and what happens? They are split up and sent to different families - that's what should happen here. Afterwards Octo-nut should be fixed as an example. Otherwise we’re opening the floodgates to all the other idiots out there doing stupid things in order to become famous.

Lastly, I disagree with all the people out there who say she should take the money she receives from the show and pay back the state for all of the help she's been receiving. My thinking is that she can keep all of the money but must promise to then buy an island somewhere and fade into oblivion. No more appearances, updates, or interviews - just stay away and you can keep all the money you earn from your idiotic show.

What is this preserve?

I've just heard about a place where humans and animals mingle without fences leashes, or cages. It all sounds wonderful but does a place like this truly exist? I have my doubts - mainly because I've seen the way humans treat animals on my street everyday. For example, "Kraken" - the Beligian Malinois dog on my street is forced to go along with his owner everyday to work. He never gets a day to just rest in the backyard like the rest of us. I see them both drive off every morning in their black and white car for God only knows where and then come home in the later evening hours. It's funny, his owner must really like routine for he wears the same dark blue shirt and pants everyday.

Anyway - back to this so called preserve - Hans the wiener dog from down the street filled me in on. He said his owner took him to see this place but unfortunately he was kept inside his leather dog carrier the whole time they were there. He did see a good amount through his viewing screen -  "Zu vould nut believe vats goings on in zer!" Hans said to me quickly because he knew his owner would only allow a small amount of time for him to smell up our gate. "Ze humans und ze animals vere valking urund togesser mit no leash und fence ur cages!" Unfortunately that was about all Hans was able to get out before his owner picked him up and whisked him away for home. I did hear one more thing but I think it was only, "auf Wiedersehen hund" All this sounds very intriguing so I'm going to have to investigate this further on the internet. I sure hope this is true and they accept dogs because I'm out of here if that is the case! If anyone knows anything more about this, I'd sure like to hear more.

I scratch myself...

Thank God for flea and tick products! I was practically tearing the fur off of my body over the weekend because of those little bastards. That was before the idiot owner finally used his thumbs for something other than opening chip bags and applied some of that flea and tick medicine on me. But before you go and think of him as some kind of great savior of the scratching canine world, know that he spent the whole time torturing me with complaints about the high cost of the treatment -over $65 for a four month supply. I think he was under some kind of delusion that I actually cared how much he was paying while I was being eaten alive. Like I was going say, "Hold on - how much are you paying for this? Are you kidding me!? Well, let's go look for something  a little cheaper. I can hold out  a little while longer  - they're only devouring my liver"

Thankfully I got the medicine, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was only because he didn't want to look bad in the eyes of the neighbors. He's said on many an occasion that we have to be careful of what we do around here because those busy-bodies look down on any who fail to keep their homes up to snuff. I'm sure this also applies to family pets - especially dogs who scratch like drug addicts in the backyard all day. I'm just relieved he didn't go cheap and get the off brand junk that made me break out like last time. Oh well, I feel great now so I'm off to get some work done. There is a jasmine bush in the back that I've been longing to tear out and today is as good a day as any. Have a great day!

ain't no cure for the summertime blues...

Well, here we go - the kids are home on their first day of summer break. It won't be long now before the family home starts to look like a scene from, "Lord of the Flies" once the brats break down leadership and take over. I've decide to spend my time bunkered in my dog hole to avoid dealing with the twerps - as if having the owner around wasn't bad enough to begin with! At least I'll enjoy watching the big moron's descent into madness as he vainly struggles to sustain order. The little one has already begun the process by attempting to be the first child to achieve complete corneal meltdown by means of video game LCD overload. The older one is taking a different path to elicit his Father's insanity by morphing into a creature that is part teenager and part bed. We'll be lucky if he emerges from hibernation by 2:00 pm. Yep, it sure is going to be interesting around here for the next few months.

On the road to Honolulu...

Well, he did it again - the big nimrod owner ruined my golden opportunity to get away - this time to Hawaii! I was just about to leave on my big trip when he showed up to blow up all my plans - like he always does. I swear my anger towards him burns like that of a thousand suns. I may never get over this. How do you make up for a lost trip to Hawaii? This just may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

It all started this morning when a few of the local cats gathered in front of my fence. Shadow -their leader was the speaker of the group. This alone came as a surprise for I had just chased him up a tree the night before after finding him in our back yard hunting mice. I figured this was going to be about that incident since it allowed one of his mice to escape. Anyway, he stated the group's remorse that our neighborhood feud has been going on as long as it has and he lamented the amount of casualties the war has produced - all on his side. He proposed we start again fresh by establishing a dialogue of peace and friendship. To prove their seriousness on this issue, he disclosed that they had all chipped in and got me a present - an all expense paid trip to Hawaii. He then continued by saying that they were all concerned that the stress of my job was beginning to affect my mental and physical health in a negative way. I couldn't have agreed more - especially knowing how my stress grows when I'm dealing with the village idiot. Needless to say, I was blown away by their compassion and generosity.

After thanking them and telling them how much I was touched, they brought out a big box that they had been hiding in the side bushes. On top of the box they had scrawled in blue crayon, "TO HAWAII" Well, it all appeared legit which helped to ease my mind of that lingering thought that they were up to something - I'm skeptical by nature. Anyway, I asked when I was to leave and they said that they had arranged for a truck to pick me up in a few minutes. Wow, I had to hurry if I was going to be ready in time. I quickly went inside and gathered everything I was going to need - my best collar, one bottle of sunscreen, and most importantly - my Reese's beach towel for spending time on the beach or in case I needed to disguise myself as a Seeing Eye Dog in order to get some food. Man, I couldn't wait to get to those luaus!

After gathering my stuff, I rushed outside to where the cats were waiting for me with the open box. I must admit that it did take all my self-control to keep from attacking them, but I didn't want to ruin my golden opportunity so used that as motivation to keep my cool. Next, Shadow said that I needed to get inside the box so that they could seal me up for the trip. Man, those guys thought of everything because inside the box was everything I was going to need - a blanket, a bowl of food, and also some water. Once I got comfortable, they placed a lei around my neck, wished me aloha, and then proceeded to tape the box shut. I was so excited waiting for my big adventure to begin!

As I waited to be picked up, I made a list of all of the activities I wanted to do -snorkeling, volleyball, and night-time campfires were right at the top. Man, I couldn't wait! Finally, my moment had arrived for I heard a vehicle coming into the driveway, my heart pounded in anticipation - it must be the truck! Tragically, my excitement was quickly vanquished when I heard a car door open and then the unmistakable lumbering sound of my idiot owner walking up the driveway. He was returning home from delivering the kids to school. I sat quietly as he walked around the box - no doubt inspecting it.  I hoped that he would just ignore the box and head straight into the house but instead he opened the box and stood dumbfounded from finding me inside. "What the hell is going on?" he screamed as he pulled me out of the box and hustled me inside the gate - killing my vacation plans.

As I was being forced inside the gate, the old guy from down the street - who is usually known for yelling at kids - came walking on by. He appeared to be in an exceptionally good mood for some reason and was whistling as he strolled. This all made the owner suspicious so he asked the old guy whether he had something to do with my being placed inside the box. Of course the old guy had no clue what was going on and after shooting the owner an odd look, asked him what kind of drugs he was on. The owner became furious at this and screamed that the old guy should stay away from our house. This made the old guy storm off - spouting mumbled profanities all the way back to his home.

 Just as things were beginning to settle down, a garbage truck pulled in front of our house and the driver asked if someone had called to have an extra garbage pick-up. The owner said no, but since they were here - they could take the big box in the driveway. Thankfully though, the owner grabbed my stuff before the garbage men could load and compact it with the rest of the garbage. Afterwards, I went to lie down in my dog hole behind the hibiscus bush - depressed that my trip had been ruined. You know I never did hear that truck that was supposed to come and pick me up for my trip but I suppose I was too depressed to notice anything. Have a good day folks!

National Dog Day August 26, 2009

Recently I've been getting letters from all over the country from dogs who are not pleased with their current living conditions. These poor animals are tired of working their tails off 24/7 while receiving third class accommodations in return. They are asking - if not pleading, that I rally our canine constituents and any public supporters to stand up to the mindset that states that it is acceptable to treat us dogs as possessions.

 For many of our first years together, dogs and humans had enjoyed a successful symbiotic relationship - one that was beneficial to all. We dogs patrolled the human camps of yesteryear  - protecting our human counterparts from intruders while only requesting that humans help us with tasks requiring thumbs in return. This arrangement worked quite well for many years. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line everything changed  - probably when some human found that putting a rope around our necks was a great way to control us. Since then our relationship has shifted to that of master and servant. We  basically have become objects to many  - tools to exploit. Well, we no longer want to be looked upon as possessions. We want equal standing again and most importantly - STOP GIVING US AWAY AS PRESENTS TO SNOT-NOSED KIDS! 

Yes, we demand equal status with our human counterparts otherwise we will be staging a walk out - and we don't mean the type with leashes. I've been drafting our new Proclamation of Canine Freedoms that will be formally unveiled at this year's National Dog day festivities on August 26, 2009. Under this new decree, it will be required of every new human employer that he set up individual insurance and bank accounts before the arrival of any new canine family member. That way, we can cut down on the brutal practice of convenience gassing -where its cheaper for an owner to get a new dog than to pay for medical treatment. We also want our own bedrooms, access to automobiles, refrigerators, and computers, and most importantly - the right to determine whether or not we want to be fixed. We also demand that radicals such as Bob Barker receive mandatory jail time for all of the crimes committed against our canine citizens from promotion of their extremist agenda - population control my ass!

Overall, many of us would rather take our chances on the streets than to continue on in these conditions. So please support our attempts to level the playing field  as we declare this year's National Dog Day on August 26, 2009 as our K-9 Fourth of July. We will be staging rallies at dog parks all over the country. Check your newspapers for activities in your local area. For those of you in the Burbank area keep an ear out for the upcoming First Annual Leash Burning Party (permit pending) at the Burbank dog park on Screenland Drive - in July. Thanks for your support