You paid how much? ... For hair?

A pile of Elvis Presley's old stanky hair sold over the weekend for over$18,000 at an auction in Chicago. In a fake interview afterwards, the winning bidder was asked how he felt about his new prize. Gazing out the window of the convention center, the man spotted a homeless family huddling together inside an old abandoned car. "You see that...  those people over there? That's what it's all about! I work hard in order to afford the finer things in life such as Elvis's hair - while other people laze the day away in their cars - no doubt waiting for a handout. It makes me sick!" He added, "It reminds me. I was explaining to my workers the other day that even though I was giving them all pay cuts - they too could one day afford life's little pleasures like Elvis's Hair, or even Neil Sedaka's dandruff -if only they learned to apply themselves and work hard." 

Later, the triumphant bidder rallied the crowd into a frenzy, leading them across the street to the family in the car. Waving American flags, the crowd peppered the homeless family with insults about being lazy, union workers ruining the auto industry, and Obama being a muslim. Many participants said that it was one the most beautiful thing they had ever been a part of. One woman said that she would be the first to endorse, "Joe - the Auction Man" for public office. "I hope he runs. He could wear the hair he just bought on the campaign trail. We'll call him the King of Chicago!"

Elvis Presley couldn't be reached for comment. 

Note: Yes, people work hard for their money and should be able to do as they please. Just keep this type of idiotic indulgence out of the news.

Saturday question of the week... #4

Was the balloon boy incident an accident or staged drama?

Tap out?!... Hardly!

In my quest to find a new profession for my remaining years - I decided to examine the highly popular world of Mixed Martial Arts. MMA fighting has grown in popularity and many would say its appeal has far surpassed that of boxing. Unfortunately it appears that their system is biased towards using human competitors. I guess the organizers are fearful of the havoc that would ensue if wild animals were allowed to participate. We animals are confident that we could compete and win against humans if ever given the chance. 

In a typical MMA match, there are a few ways one can win a match; technical knock out (TKO) - where a participant gets blasted by a blow to the head and is rendered unconscious, knock out by submission - where a  choke hold is applied and the recipient loses consciousness, submission by tap out - where one of the competitors willingly gives up due to the pain of an applied submission hold, and lastly - a technical decision rendered by the judges based on points scored. If animals are allowed to compete, we would need to add in some sort of mauling category.

The top class in the MMA world at the moment is the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship. The UFC has grown and benefitted by its hugely popular reality fighting series on Spike TV which they used to grow a loyal viewer base and quality stable of fighters. So where are the fighters from the animal kingdom? Afraid? Maybe they should be because I doubt any human could sustain the pain from the grasp of this German Shepherd's bite without tapping out let alone some of our more dangerous champions. 

Please, don't call yourselves, "Ultimate" when most of the animal kingdom is not even represented! To truly carry that distinction you need to include some of our most fierce predators and  then see how you humans do. Oh, and I know how you guys operate so do leave the weapons at home and just battle with what God gave you - ok? I believe that is the only fair way to do this. Besides, I don't see current MMA fighters entering the octagon with guns on them so the same rules need to apply with us.

We from the animal kingdom propose any of the following matches: grizzly bear v. human, tiger v. human, shark v. human, or even wolverine v. human. I wouldn't want any of those animals for myself, but I'm not labeling any of my fights as, "Ultimate" am I? For the first human fighter/victim - I offer my goofball owner in order to get the ball rolling. I believe he would be a very competitive (appetizer) on the lower card, and then we'll move on to some of your more skilled contestants. I don't believe any animals will have object to my doofus owner - especially after I publish his BMI index in the program. I'm sure all they will see is a tasty snack. As a courtesy, I'll even dress him in yellow tights - so they feel they are fighting some sort of walking twinkie.

So there you have it UFC. What say you?

 Until next time - have a great day folks!

What ever will we do?

OMG - I just heard that  TLC is not going to be bringing back John & Kate Plus 8 after November! Who is going to show the masses the proper way to raise children? What ever will we do once these life instructors are torn from us? When will be able to laugh again? Where will we go to watch parents fighting over their kids - besides grocery stores, public parks, restaurants, relative's homes and school functions? Why, oh why are John and Kate divorcing, and can't they just get along for the kids sake? 

Ok... now that I got that out of my system... who the hell gives a crap?! Listen - I know Pennsylvania - been there plenty of times. Believe me when I say that there are plenty of trashy families with kids to pick and choose from. I assure you TLC will not have any problem finding suitable replacements for John and Kate. In fact - I'm sure there are scores of large families across the country right now lining up to receive the type of financial help those two dunderheads were receiving from their moronic show. Then again - when money comes into play - you never know how people will react so we may just have one family failure show after another coming dow the pike. Maybe they should call it, "Churning the Trash Heap".

I'll never understand why anyone would willingly watch this type of show in the first place! It's horrible for the kids involved and watching kids scream and fight is just  absolutely painful. Come to think if it, viewing the show should probably be a mandatory part of our prison rehabilitation programs. Of course some Judge would probably determine that it falls into the category of cruel and unusual punishment so there goes that. 

As a dog born into a large litter of pups (7), I can safely say that large families really aren't very interesting. To get the gist - one only needs to experience five minutes of the bedtime ritual. This is where all hell breaks loose. Here's the rundown: A few kids will be fighting to use the bathroom at the same time (not all will make it). Others will be attempting to stay awake by hiding in various points around the house (stairwells, under beds, attic crawl spaces). While the remainder engage in some form of battle to the death - usually because someone was looking, touching, or taking something that didn't belong to them. The only thing missing is Star Trek's Amok Time battle music. Boy, now that I think about it - that is entertaining! Just don't tell that to the parents receiving the 24/7 beat down.

Those are the people seen convulsing on the sidelines - hands clasped in prayer - waiting for their little hellions to fall asleep. Afterwards - they'll cozy up to a six pack, bottle of scotch, rubbing alcohol or whatever is in the house that will ease their pain. This is the only time of the day where they can feel relief - letting the sweet blanket of unconsciousness remove them from their horrible, horrible existence. I guarantee you  - they do not have any interest in the John & Kate show.

Alright, I'm off the soap box and now heading outside to my dog hole for a few hours of undisturbed relaxation. I just hope the idiot owner doesn't leave out that little abomination of a puppy to bother me. Have a great day folks!

Rained out...

Today's posting from, "Talk of the Dog" has been cancelled due to rain in the Los Angeles area. 

If a regulation story is not posted (cancelled Post) and is rescheduled to be posted either on a date for which no other postings were previously  scheduled or as part of a split double header (i.e two stories posted on the same day, but each of which requires an individual ticket), your ticket may be used for admittance to such rescheduled posting.

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This policy may be amended at anytime without notice. 

Note: To anyone wondering - Yes, our policy is a blatant rip-off of the Los Angeles Dodgers rain out policy. Thanks to the Los Angeles Dodgers and good luck against the Phillies - GO BLUE!

Cat Stevens never sang about this train...

A German man unwittingly caused commuter delays in Lauenbrueck, Germany after being forced from the train he was riding for traveling without a ticket. In retaliation for his forced exit, the man decided to moon the staff - pressing his exposed backside against the lower glass doors just as the train began pulling out of the station. Unfortunately for him, the train caught hold of his dangling trousers and pulled him over 100 yards along the platform and onto the tracks where he was once again... riding without a ticket.

Thankfully, one of the passengers looked out the window and noticed the full moon out that night. With one pull of the emergency brake, the Moon Man's second hobo adventure came to an end - along with his short reign as Emperor of the North. Luckily, Ernest Borgnine wasn't on the train (click last link) and the man was able to keep himself away from the moving wheels. Oh those crazy Germans - but this is just par for the course in David Hasselhoff's kingdom! Have a great day folks!

Well how about that?

Heard a story about a Brazilian TV host/ former legislator  who was arrested on homicide and drug charges. Apparently the murders he arranged served him two ways by taking out his rivals and also giving him stories for his show. I'm hoping that our TV hosts aren't getting any ideas. Last thing we need is Regis popping caps all over NY.