Thwarted!!!

All my best plans laid to waste - I sit dejected today - a beaten dog. I was in rare digging form yesterday - snout was keen to the mossy smell of the soil, claws sharp and ready for the job at hand, and ears pinned back for maximum overdrive. I would put an end to the tyranny of the sprinkler system! Too long I had suffered the wrath of its unexpected water rage -soaking me as I squat helplessly in prone early morning dump position. But alas - an unholy alliance had been forged - conspirators! Apparently the sprinkler has taken over the feeble mind of my dim-witted owner. I'm not sure how or when this happened - I just know he had been taken in and schooled in the ways of the ninja like sprinkler attack. Who would have thought my slow paced/lazed owner could move with such gazelle like speed? Before I could dissect my first root ball from grass clump he was on me. One swing of his mighty newspapered hand was all it took to send me in a four paw scurry for shelter. Surprise ... shock... dismay, All I could think was ... Et tu, Homeowner?... Et tu?. Oh, the humanity - traitorous, treasonous, vile lump of flesh! But... I shall move on - my day shall come as well. I too shall bask in glorious victory one day. I shall never give up, or in to this tyranny! On that day of sweet justice the bells of the city will ring, the choirs of heaven will sing, and the masses will shout from the rooftops, "Yes this is the day of our FREEDOM - FREEDOM for the righteous. FREEDOM for the powerless. FREEDOM for the disenfranchised!" I now proclaim on this day of days... I shall defeat you sprinkler!

Those soul sucking kids...

Every now and then the owner and his wife like to reward their twerps for good behavior by giving them a momentary break from the normal routine/house rules. The reward is usually something small like adding more time to the schedule for video games. They believe this makes them good parents but I believe that they are just being naive. They forget that whenever their kids are acting up - electronic devices are usually involved. Although the parent's intentions maybe good - their actions are comparable to basically rewarding a pyromaniac with a book of matches for not starting any fires. Remember how they say how no good deed goes unpunished? Some people just never learn.

I guess it takes an outsider from the animal kingdom to see how all these kid's problems - bad grades, laziness, apathy all stem from those mind numbing electrical gadgets. I'm not sure how my owners don't see the connection! These reward gestures almost always come back then to bite the parents in the end because we're dealing with illogical kids after all. Most of these hellions would be considered legally brain damaged if they were judged solely by their actions. I love the way the little poops twist everything to suite their whims. They'll take a one time gift of an extra fifteen minutes video game time and stretch it daily until they get caught. When discovered, the kids will then stare blankly at their parents or stammer in disbelief - recalling that their parents had changed their schedule for good. 

I know it's just not our family either. Sometimes on my walks around the neighborhood I'll see families sharing a meal in a local restaurant. Unfortunately, the parents never even get a chance to talk to their kids because the kids are too busy with their music or video devices to give their parents the time of day. The best part comes when one of the parents finally decides to put his or her foot down and demands that the kids stop immediately. It is here when they are met with the protest that many of today's games are designed that they cannot be just turned off. Forcing kids to quit without saving progress is just asking for the personal hell of non-stop kid wailing. Be prepared for at least one half hour of complaints as the little life-force suckers go on and on about how they were just about to finish this or that level or beat a boss.

It is no wonder then that parents collapse into their chairs every night tightly clutching nerve saving drinks of their choice - defeated from yet another day's battle - barely able to speak. I often see my owners staring exhaustingly at each other on those types of evenings until one of them finally gets enough strength to ask the other, "Is Law and Order on tonight?" If that is as good as it gets for parents with kids - I'm glad I got fixed.

What a day...

Spent the whole day outside because earlier this morning I had a stomach ache and accidentally went to the bathroom on the floor.  I guess I should have taken it easy with all the Cereal and box material. Anyway, I couldn't help it - tried to go outside but that lousy teenager ignored me every time I tried to get his attention. I think he was spellbound from some kind of mind controlling video device - he didn't even look up as I was whimpering to go out. None of this sat well with the big dimwit who read the kid the riot act after returning home from running errands to find my sickness all over the living room. 

Another reason I spent the day outdoors is that the big doofus has been playing super-painter the past few days - to appease his wife. It's refreshing to see him use his hands for something other that scratching himself. I'm not sure what the paint color looks like because we dogs only see a few colors of the spectrum. All the rooms he painted look palish yellow to me - not sure what that equates to for you humans. Anyway, I brushed up against some of his paint yesterday - giving myself a racing stripe. He wasn't a fan of that either so I would have spent my day outside anyway. You know I think I'm running faster with this stripe! I've also been getting compliments from those green parrots who've been whistling down from the power lines. Ok, I better get going - I hear the big guy is making me rice to settle my stomach. I don't want to miss out on that.

Oh Captain My Captain...

Tonight I had the food of the Gods! The owner's older son was having a late night snack of cereal when much to my delight - he decided to walk from his food to check his email. Ah ... what a fool! You know I require no invitation to claim food that is lying about so you can only imagine my delight. Anyway, the box stated that the cereal was called, "Cap'n Crunch" but it really should have been labeled as, " Nuggets from Heaven". I mean - the taste... that taste ... just knocked me on my rear! Oh, and the crunching sound that came from chewing this product almost made me deaf! I never imagined anything like as possible. The only down side, if  there was one, was that this cereal has the tendency to cut the hell out of the lining of one's mouth - making it worse than any after-taste I've ever experienced. The only way I can describe it is to compare it to eating shards of broken glass. Don't get me wrong - it really was worth it! I just hope it doesn't do the same to my stomach or intestines. If I could only get that kid to refill the bowl - I'd be one happy dog! Unfortunately, I don't think he's going to respond kindly to my raiding of his food so that idea is most likely out. Maybe I'll just try to get into that pantry and then chew thru the box. Why does it always come back to those damn opposable thumbs? I tell you - we dogs really got screwed! If not for the lack of those damn thumbs, we'd be running this joint! Well, enough talk - I gotta go and try to break into that pantry. Wish me luck and have a great night folks!

Burbank Travel Series - Spotlight: Monte Carlo

As a dog, I have limited opportunities to get out and explore the world. It's not a surprise then that my view is exclusively of the immediate businesses and yards surrounding my home here in Burbank, CA. This unfortunately prevents me from obtaining my dream of becoming a traveling dog blog writer - on the lines of Anthony Bourdain. I love his style - he always looks as if he is having the time of his life- probably because he is drunk as a skunk most of the time. I'm afraid I'll never get to his level though since I'm stuck here in this prison of a back yard pretending to be the goofball owner's best friend. I guess I shouldn't complain - most eateries Bourdain frequents wouldn't let me in anyway unless they were planning on putting me on the menu. 

So with all this in mind, I thought I would take matters into my own paws and write my own brand based on the areas I can walk to or see from my yard. My first review is on the Monte Carlo Italian Deli here in Burbank. Unfortunately, I couldn't review the interior ambiance or service of the establishment since being a dog - I was quickly chased outside with a broom by the powers that be. What  I can tell you though is that if you like the smell of Italian food mixed with garbage and don't mind eating out of a trash dumpster -come around to the back of the building because this is the place for you! I had the pleasure of gorging myself on all manner of partially eaten foods; pizza, ravioli, sausages, meatball sandwiches, as well as leftover salads and garlic bread pieces. Oh, what a cavalcade of heavenly tastes! I have to admit that I accidentally ate some used napkins in my haste but that is to be expected when one is eating like a starving animal.

As for ambiance, I had the pleasure of a trash dining partner in - Teddy, a local wino I met walking down the back alley, He also doubled as a gracious impromptu host by opening the trash bin for me while I was having thumb issues. I highly recommend dinning with a knowledgeable companion like Teddy who was very adept at explaining the lower end wine selections that the business had to offer. We were having such a wonderful time - talking and laughing that we completely lost track of the time. Just as I was beginning to think our magical evening would never end, one of the kitchen boys came out and chased us off with some choice Spanish profanities. Teddy was nice enough to respond on our behalf but we all knew the night was over. The fence to the bin was locked up for the rest of the evening and I was tragically unable to review any of their delicious desserts. I do hear though that the cannoli is to die for. 

Overall, I highly recommend the dumpster diving feast at Monte Carlo mainly for the food- that is if you are lucky enough to show up on a day when the dumpster's fence is unlocked. The only drawbacks are the dumpster ambiance and service which can use a little work. I suggest bringing your own candles and companion. If you happen to see Teddy say hello - maybe he'll be nice enough to share a swig of his wine selection with you. 

Haley's Dog Ratings: Monte Carlo Dumpster Area Dining 

1. Food - 5 barks
   
2. Ambiance - 3 barks for alluring garbage aroma and soothing electrical transformer hum.
3. Service - 1 bark - we suggest they lose the profanities and forced exit tactics.

Until next time - have a great day folks!

Octocrap!

 

Well, I know one show I'm never planning to watch - the upcoming Octo-Mom show that supposedly is in the works. Why anyone would want to subject himself to watching a house full of screaming kids is beyond me. Those who are interested need to find a local family that has more than 2-3 kids and volunteer to baby-sit for an afternoon. I don't think they'll be too keen on the idea afterwards. We get enough of our own kids having emotional breakdowns - who wants to watch other people’s demon seed freaking out or acting unruly?

What's so special about this bitch anyway? Dogs have multiple pups in a litter all the time and what happens? They are split up and sent to different families - that's what should happen here. Afterwards Octo-nut should be fixed as an example. Otherwise we’re opening the floodgates to all the other idiots out there doing stupid things in order to become famous.

Lastly, I disagree with all the people out there who say she should take the money she receives from the show and pay back the state for all of the help she's been receiving. My thinking is that she can keep all of the money but must promise to then buy an island somewhere and fade into oblivion. No more appearances, updates, or interviews - just stay away and you can keep all the money you earn from your idiotic show.

What is this preserve?

I've just heard about a place where humans and animals mingle without fences leashes, or cages. It all sounds wonderful but does a place like this truly exist? I have my doubts - mainly because I've seen the way humans treat animals on my street everyday. For example, "Kraken" - the Beligian Malinois dog on my street is forced to go along with his owner everyday to work. He never gets a day to just rest in the backyard like the rest of us. I see them both drive off every morning in their black and white car for God only knows where and then come home in the later evening hours. It's funny, his owner must really like routine for he wears the same dark blue shirt and pants everyday.

Anyway - back to this so called preserve - Hans the wiener dog from down the street filled me in on. He said his owner took him to see this place but unfortunately he was kept inside his leather dog carrier the whole time they were there. He did see a good amount through his viewing screen -  "Zu vould nut believe vats goings on in zer!" Hans said to me quickly because he knew his owner would only allow a small amount of time for him to smell up our gate. "Ze humans und ze animals vere valking urund togesser mit no leash und fence ur cages!" Unfortunately that was about all Hans was able to get out before his owner picked him up and whisked him away for home. I did hear one more thing but I think it was only, "auf Wiedersehen hund" All this sounds very intriguing so I'm going to have to investigate this further on the internet. I sure hope this is true and they accept dogs because I'm out of here if that is the case! If anyone knows anything more about this, I'd sure like to hear more.