Saturday question of the week... #6

What is the best movie of all time?

No Consistency...

Ah yes, the Halloween weekend is once again upon us. How can one not be excited at the prospects of dealing with scores of costumed beggars ringing doorbells and shrieking the same half hearted line over and over and over again? What really surprises me is how we can live in a society that is so heavily against, let's say, a dog standing by the dinner table, yet so accepting of little costumed hellions begging door to door for candy! And all done during prime time if I may add. I get chased when I disturb the idiot owner during his favorite show, but oh how cute the little ones are when they come around -snot running down their  wittle faces mumbling about twicks or tweats. Can we have some consistency here? Oh, and I ain't wearing no damn costume this year so keep the hell away from me with your devil horns, witch hats, or any other idiotic device that wraps around my head and gets stuck in my fur. One last thing, if any chocolate hits the floor - its mine - and I don't care if it is poisonous. If I'm going out - I'm going out happy! 

Thursday Agent Caravan...

In an attempt to change careers, I've been taking courses on real estate and went on an agent caravan to see the local properties today. I would love to tell you about all the wonderful properties I saw today, but unfortunately those lousy human agents chased me out of every damn home I went to. I couldn't even ride along with my colleagues from the office because none of them wanted me in their car. I'm starting to get the feeling they think I'm some kind of family pet or something! Where the hell do these people get off?

I tell you - I've been studying way too hard and long to allow these people to treat me this way. All week long I was hearing how pleasant these caravans were and how I would really enjoy all the food the agents put out. Then the day comes and all I get is bupkis! I got chased at every damn door I went to. I tried to be professional - even had my business cards at the ready but nobody even took the time to look at any of them. All they would do is grab a broom and start chasing me out the door screaming for someone to help them get the damn dog out of there. One guy even had the audacity to ask who brought the mangy mutt! I beg your pardon? Excuse me... mangy mutt? How dare you sir! The only thing mangy around here is that little discolored fur piece you're wearing upon that bald crown of yours! That's what's mangy!

Anyway, I'm guessing that this is the way it's going to be for the next few years until I'm eligible to get my broker's license and then call my own shots. But then again, I am going on eleven and the life expectancy of the average German Shepherd is right around 10-13 years so I may not even make it. Damn humans ruin all my plans! Well I better go before I really get worked up. Have a good day folks!

Fanatic or Desperate?

Wow, some people must really love baseball! A female fan in Philadelphia was recently arrested for offering sex in exchange for a World Series ticket. The female fan foolishly posted her barter request on Craig's list which was spotted by the police, who set up a meeting leading to her arrest. If all this wasn't shocking enough, the woman turned out to be married. Maybe she was trying to get her husband a ticket? Anyway, before we go and pass judgement on this woman - we should see if there are any reasonable explanations. Maybe it was justified?

For one, maybe this woman found out she only had one week to live and desperately needed to see her beloved Phillies one last time. That might make it acceptable - no? Or maybe (this one's my favorite) she went so crazy from all the nightly solicitation phone calls from the Pennsylvania State Troopers Association that she decided the best way to remedy the situation was to procure one of the valuable World Series tickets, sell it for cash and then donate the proceeds to the police to once and for all end the barrage of calls. That might justify her actions and add a bit of irony! Now don't you feel silly knowing the made up story? 

And it's one we can all relate to in some way? Who among us hasn't taken that donation call from the local policeman's association and not worried about the consequences? One begins to wonder if his or her emergency response time directly correlates to the amount of the offering. Feeling cornered, they eventually break down and give twenty bucks in hopes that it's good enough to keep themselves in the minutes rather than hours column.

 Well, that was quite a stretch wasn't it? So, let's just cut the baloney - the simplest explanation is that this woman is just your average ordinary run of the mill tramp. So forget what I said  before and judge away my friends...  judge away!

Punish the Child, Teacher, or the Parent?

Saw an article today about a school Administrator who will most likely be fired for taping a child's mouth shut and bounding the child's hands in the name of discipline. The article didn't state why such extreme measures were taken but one can only imagine that either the Administrator was a complete nut job or the child was the spawn of Satan. 

We in the animal kingdom are all for discipline - but we dispense justice with the proper measure. I lost track of the amount of times I received a strong nip to the ear  for acting up while growing up. I can also also say that the times were a plenty where I was corralled by the scruff of my neck in order to correct my behavior. But I can safely say that I was never mauled by the older animals for just small infractions. Before you resort to the extreme measure of taping a kids mouth shut, let us animals have a crack at them so as to show you the way to take care of business.

 I propose that schools keep a discipline room off to the side filled with all manner of wild predatory animals. Then if a child starts to act up -bring them in and let us take care of the situation. I guarantee those little bastards will be on the straight and narrow within a few seconds of seeing their first large wolf, cougar, or bengal tiger a few feet away from them without any bars for protection. Before you know it, word will spread like wildfire throughout the land about who holds sway in the schools and then all the little ones will be transformed into complete angels. Sure, there is the possibility that one of the animals may forget themselves and we'll lose one or two kids but soon afterwards we won't even need to bother talking about punishment any longer because the kids would be completely paralyzed by fear. 

Traumatizing - yes - but at least the other 20-30 kids in the classroom will no longer suffer at the hands of one or two unruly kids. I know what you are thinking - why should the kids suffer for the parent's failure? Because nobody said life was going to be fair - that's why! Besides, before long - worried parents would start teaching their children the proper way to behave in public. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the way to handle this is to give the child the power to decide whether they or their parents would enter the den of discipline. I bet you would see plenty of parents making sure they raised well behaved kids then as well.

Anyway, let me know if any of you want me to come over and take over the daily operations of your school. I do have plenty of time. This, of course was all just my opinion. Remember that I'm a dog so my views are not exactly in line with your average human. Ok, have a great day folks!

Halloween - one night of freedom!

We of the animal kingdom absolutely love your little Halloween tradition of dress up! Why? It's the one night of the year that we are able to get out and walk amongst you guys without the fear of leashes, hunters, or entrapment. We've been doing this for years - all under the radar. We need to thank you guys because you're the ones who gave us the idea with that E.T movie. 

Remember that Frankenstein Monster that had that strange walk last year? That was actually the Kline's family pet cat Melvin  - I kid you not! Also, that smallish Evil Knievel that was riding up and down the block on the tricycle that you thought was the Webber kid. That was really Choo-Choo the Marnelli's pet cockatoo. Oh, and I must not forget to mention that the fat kid who came to your door dressed like Obama was really Cubby the brown bear from the local woods. Poor little guy is an absolute freak for Bit-O-Honey candy bars. So much that he's now taken to playing dress up at other times of the year. One time he ventured out during hunting season dressed as Dick Cheney's pal. We all know how that one ended. 

Anyway, we use trick or treat night as our one night to get out and really cut loose. Now that you know, don't be surprised then when you discover that the horse you thought was Ben and Eric from the office, turns out to be just Biscuit the Appaloosa from Lazy J Ranch crashing your party. As for me - I'm dressing up this year as Maria Shriver - driving a car and talking on a cell phone. I figure nobody will notice. Have a great day folks!

Saturday question of the week... #5

Charlie Brown must really have been hated around his town. My God - the kid was singled out from his group to receive a rock while trick or treating! So despised was he that there was some adult out there who actually kept a rock on hand just in case Charlie showed up. One does not normally keep rocks nearby to give to trick or treaters on Halloween night so it's safe to assume that the act was premeditated. So what the hell could Charlie have done to illicit such a strong reaction from the people in his town? Also, what would you have done if you'd received a rock while trick or treating?

Not feeling it...

I don't have any energy today. The idiot owner and his youngest son are both home today so I've decided to spend the bulk of my day outdoors away from the madness. The kid is home because he has a sinus infection and the big moron is taking care of him. Not sure what the owner's wife is thinking - I wouldn't trust that village idiot to work as a door stop let alone take care of a living breathing person. Oh well, I'l let his wife worry about the arrangements because I don't want to be involved. Man, I shouldn't be this disgusted on a Friday but alas, once again they've forced my hand. Ok, I'm heading back to my dog hole to sleep. Have a good day!

The Commercialization of Halloween...

I heard some people complaining the other day that Halloween has become too commercialized. I found that funny because what exactly does that mean? Have we shifted our attention away from our, "supposed" traditional messages of witchcraft and devil worship to that of corporate profit and greed? If true, then surly some confusion is going to ensue. Everybody knows at least one kid from when they were growing up whose parents didn't allow them to participate in the Halloween festivities because they thought the theme of the night was inappropriate. If that theme has changed - what are they supposed to think now? Halloween was at first bad but corporate greed is bad now as well so which one trumps the other? But how can corporations be so bad when they're supplying jobs? So they're actually good after all - right? Then again, corporate greed is bad but the answer to that is government regulation which used to be bad, but now is somewhat good! How the hell are we supposed to get through this maze?!

You know, I was never really that advanced in my thinking about Halloween. Funny me, all I ever thought about was getting bags of candy. To those worried parents out there who wondered what went on during trick or treat- this may come as a shock - I never came across any home where I was asked to drink goat's blood, cast spells, or pledge undying devotion to Lucifer. There, it's out in the open. That might have been interestingly scary, but it never happened - not even close. We just walked around in our cheap plastic costumes collecting candy, packets of crackers, and maybe a few pieces of fruit that we would eventually throw back into the person's yard later in the evening. That was it - no devil, no spells, pretty boring. 

I don't even remember  having any sort of discussions with my friends about what the evening meant to them. And the closest thing to evil we ever saw was the Butter Knife Twins - who received their namesake for carrying around butter knives in order to scare other kids. And they weren't even that bad because all they ever did was grab some pieces of candy from our bags and walk off.

Anyway, I do have one problem with the commercialization and it involves the decorations.  First Christmas - now Halloween! I'm tired of it. Everywhere my idiot owner and I go on our nightly walks - we see homes decorated with orange and purple lights and large inflatable characters. When did all this happen? Wasn't it bad enough waiting until April for our neighbors to take down their Christmas lights that we felt the need to up the ante? You know people are lazy by nature and will probably put one set of lights on top of the next. Then we'll have red, green, white, orange and purple lights strung in some sort of hybrid seven month celebration. Now that's scary!

I say we go back to just taping a few cardboard cutouts in the front window and maybe a pumpkin or two on the front porch. It's simple to decorate, easy to clean up, and comes with less societal confusion. Besides, at least then parents can go back to their traditional worries and excuses since it's hard telling little Bobby he can't trick or treat due to the evil corporations and their greed. Even little kids know that argument doesn't jive. Have a great day!

Sarah Palin is looking for a job?

I heard that Sarah Palin posted her resume on Linkedin so I decided to check it out.  After carefully reviewing her skills and accomplishments, I've decided to bring her in for a interview for the highly prestigious position of, " Stool Wrangler" picking up my droppings around the compound - usually twice a day. If selected, Ms Palin will be required to show up mornings and early evenings - seven days a week - ready and enthusiastic for work. She will follow me as I make my morning and evening patrols and clean as needed. What is really needed for her new position is reliable transportation and a true commitment to excellence because my owner will supply the tools of the trade - scooper and plastic deployment bags. That is unless she is hard core and does not choose to work with tools.

I am pleased to be one of the, "Real Americans"  trying to help the former Governor get back on her feet during this time of change. I am also looking forward to a long working relationship if she is fortunate enough to make it through my vetting process. 

Ms Palin will be facing stiff competition though because I'm also planning on bringing in former Texas Representative, Tom DeLay - fresh off the dance circuit
, and former Presidential candidate, champion of the environment, inventor of the internet, and all around good guy - Al Gore. The battle should be intense! Let the best man/woman win!

Richard Heene - Prison Scientist?

Oh that crazy Richard Heene is at it again! Fresh off the balloon boy hoax, he's preparing for his impending jail time by creating a few new reality shows to be shot at the Federal Correctional Institution in Englewood, CO. The main show Heene wants to bring to the public will be called, "Big House Science" that will focus on science experiments that can be easily done while doing time.

In Big House Science, Heene will engage in all sorts of zany science experiments such as; how to brew low grade alcohol in your prison toilet, how to launch an inmate/yourself over the wall using a catapult made from common prison items, and how to make flavorful prison shanks that are easy to make and can be quickly eaten to conceal evidence. Heene even hopes to bring his sons in for cameos by ballooning them in over the wall.  

If all that is not enough, Heene is also proposing a few spinoff shows that are a little more on the risqué side geared towards late night viewers. Heene and his wife, Mayumi, are looking into a show -in case Muyumi is not convicted - called "Conjugal Visits" (no explanation needed), "Jailhouse Wife Swap" (also no explanation needed, and lastly "Jailhouse Cheaters" which will focus on catching inmates who cheat on their cell mates.

Never one to sit on his laurels, Richard Heene, the innovator, vows to continue developing engaging quality programs that will showcase his exceptional parenting skills, high school science knowledge, and harmonica playing ability which he hopes to showcase in a series of future live performances - a la Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison concert. 

 Have a great day folks! 

You paid how much? ... For hair?

A pile of Elvis Presley's old stanky hair sold over the weekend for over$18,000 at an auction in Chicago. In a fake interview afterwards, the winning bidder was asked how he felt about his new prize. Gazing out the window of the convention center, the man spotted a homeless family huddling together inside an old abandoned car. "You see that...  those people over there? That's what it's all about! I work hard in order to afford the finer things in life such as Elvis's hair - while other people laze the day away in their cars - no doubt waiting for a handout. It makes me sick!" He added, "It reminds me. I was explaining to my workers the other day that even though I was giving them all pay cuts - they too could one day afford life's little pleasures like Elvis's Hair, or even Neil Sedaka's dandruff -if only they learned to apply themselves and work hard." 

Later, the triumphant bidder rallied the crowd into a frenzy, leading them across the street to the family in the car. Waving American flags, the crowd peppered the homeless family with insults about being lazy, union workers ruining the auto industry, and Obama being a muslim. Many participants said that it was one the most beautiful thing they had ever been a part of. One woman said that she would be the first to endorse, "Joe - the Auction Man" for public office. "I hope he runs. He could wear the hair he just bought on the campaign trail. We'll call him the King of Chicago!"

Elvis Presley couldn't be reached for comment. 

Note: Yes, people work hard for their money and should be able to do as they please. Just keep this type of idiotic indulgence out of the news.

Saturday question of the week... #4

Was the balloon boy incident an accident or staged drama?

Tap out?!... Hardly!

In my quest to find a new profession for my remaining years - I decided to examine the highly popular world of Mixed Martial Arts. MMA fighting has grown in popularity and many would say its appeal has far surpassed that of boxing. Unfortunately it appears that their system is biased towards using human competitors. I guess the organizers are fearful of the havoc that would ensue if wild animals were allowed to participate. We animals are confident that we could compete and win against humans if ever given the chance. 

In a typical MMA match, there are a few ways one can win a match; technical knock out (TKO) - where a participant gets blasted by a blow to the head and is rendered unconscious, knock out by submission - where a  choke hold is applied and the recipient loses consciousness, submission by tap out - where one of the competitors willingly gives up due to the pain of an applied submission hold, and lastly - a technical decision rendered by the judges based on points scored. If animals are allowed to compete, we would need to add in some sort of mauling category.

The top class in the MMA world at the moment is the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship. The UFC has grown and benefitted by its hugely popular reality fighting series on Spike TV which they used to grow a loyal viewer base and quality stable of fighters. So where are the fighters from the animal kingdom? Afraid? Maybe they should be because I doubt any human could sustain the pain from the grasp of this German Shepherd's bite without tapping out let alone some of our more dangerous champions. 

Please, don't call yourselves, "Ultimate" when most of the animal kingdom is not even represented! To truly carry that distinction you need to include some of our most fierce predators and  then see how you humans do. Oh, and I know how you guys operate so do leave the weapons at home and just battle with what God gave you - ok? I believe that is the only fair way to do this. Besides, I don't see current MMA fighters entering the octagon with guns on them so the same rules need to apply with us.

We from the animal kingdom propose any of the following matches: grizzly bear v. human, tiger v. human, shark v. human, or even wolverine v. human. I wouldn't want any of those animals for myself, but I'm not labeling any of my fights as, "Ultimate" am I? For the first human fighter/victim - I offer my goofball owner in order to get the ball rolling. I believe he would be a very competitive (appetizer) on the lower card, and then we'll move on to some of your more skilled contestants. I don't believe any animals will have object to my doofus owner - especially after I publish his BMI index in the program. I'm sure all they will see is a tasty snack. As a courtesy, I'll even dress him in yellow tights - so they feel they are fighting some sort of walking twinkie.

So there you have it UFC. What say you?

 Until next time - have a great day folks!

What ever will we do?

OMG - I just heard that  TLC is not going to be bringing back John & Kate Plus 8 after November! Who is going to show the masses the proper way to raise children? What ever will we do once these life instructors are torn from us? When will be able to laugh again? Where will we go to watch parents fighting over their kids - besides grocery stores, public parks, restaurants, relative's homes and school functions? Why, oh why are John and Kate divorcing, and can't they just get along for the kids sake? 

Ok... now that I got that out of my system... who the hell gives a crap?! Listen - I know Pennsylvania - been there plenty of times. Believe me when I say that there are plenty of trashy families with kids to pick and choose from. I assure you TLC will not have any problem finding suitable replacements for John and Kate. In fact - I'm sure there are scores of large families across the country right now lining up to receive the type of financial help those two dunderheads were receiving from their moronic show. Then again - when money comes into play - you never know how people will react so we may just have one family failure show after another coming dow the pike. Maybe they should call it, "Churning the Trash Heap".

I'll never understand why anyone would willingly watch this type of show in the first place! It's horrible for the kids involved and watching kids scream and fight is just  absolutely painful. Come to think if it, viewing the show should probably be a mandatory part of our prison rehabilitation programs. Of course some Judge would probably determine that it falls into the category of cruel and unusual punishment so there goes that. 

As a dog born into a large litter of pups (7), I can safely say that large families really aren't very interesting. To get the gist - one only needs to experience five minutes of the bedtime ritual. This is where all hell breaks loose. Here's the rundown: A few kids will be fighting to use the bathroom at the same time (not all will make it). Others will be attempting to stay awake by hiding in various points around the house (stairwells, under beds, attic crawl spaces). While the remainder engage in some form of battle to the death - usually because someone was looking, touching, or taking something that didn't belong to them. The only thing missing is Star Trek's Amok Time battle music. Boy, now that I think about it - that is entertaining! Just don't tell that to the parents receiving the 24/7 beat down.

Those are the people seen convulsing on the sidelines - hands clasped in prayer - waiting for their little hellions to fall asleep. Afterwards - they'll cozy up to a six pack, bottle of scotch, rubbing alcohol or whatever is in the house that will ease their pain. This is the only time of the day where they can feel relief - letting the sweet blanket of unconsciousness remove them from their horrible, horrible existence. I guarantee you  - they do not have any interest in the John & Kate show.

Alright, I'm off the soap box and now heading outside to my dog hole for a few hours of undisturbed relaxation. I just hope the idiot owner doesn't leave out that little abomination of a puppy to bother me. Have a great day folks!

Rained out...

Today's posting from, "Talk of the Dog" has been cancelled due to rain in the Los Angeles area. 

If a regulation story is not posted (cancelled Post) and is rescheduled to be posted either on a date for which no other postings were previously  scheduled or as part of a split double header (i.e two stories posted on the same day, but each of which requires an individual ticket), your ticket may be used for admittance to such rescheduled posting.

If a cancelled posting is not rescheduled, you may exchange your ticket at Talk of the Dog, at any time after the date of the cancelled post, for an individual ticket of equal or lesser value for a future regular season posting (subject to prior sales and ticket availability).

In no instance shall a ticket be exchangeable for a ticket with a face value  greater than the face value of this ticket. No cash refund or credit will be issued and this ticket may not be applied to any account balance.

This policy may be amended at anytime without notice. 

Note: To anyone wondering - Yes, our policy is a blatant rip-off of the Los Angeles Dodgers rain out policy. Thanks to the Los Angeles Dodgers and good luck against the Phillies - GO BLUE!

Cat Stevens never sang about this train...

A German man unwittingly caused commuter delays in Lauenbrueck, Germany after being forced from the train he was riding for traveling without a ticket. In retaliation for his forced exit, the man decided to moon the staff - pressing his exposed backside against the lower glass doors just as the train began pulling out of the station. Unfortunately for him, the train caught hold of his dangling trousers and pulled him over 100 yards along the platform and onto the tracks where he was once again... riding without a ticket.

Thankfully, one of the passengers looked out the window and noticed the full moon out that night. With one pull of the emergency brake, the Moon Man's second hobo adventure came to an end - along with his short reign as Emperor of the North. Luckily, Ernest Borgnine wasn't on the train (click last link) and the man was able to keep himself away from the moving wheels. Oh those crazy Germans - but this is just par for the course in David Hasselhoff's kingdom! Have a great day folks!

Well how about that?

Heard a story about a Brazilian TV host/ former legislator  who was arrested on homicide and drug charges. Apparently the murders he arranged served him two ways by taking out his rivals and also giving him stories for his show. I'm hoping that our TV hosts aren't getting any ideas. Last thing we need is Regis popping caps all over NY.

Get the hell out of here!

Here in Burbank they have one weekend a year where residents can stage a yard sale without the need of a permit and this is that weekend. Being that my owner is his usual slow to the take self - we scrambled to have ours today. Now they are all outside with their junk hoping to unload as much as they can. Of course all the real action was yesterday so it appears they are a day late and buck short once again.

I've been outside most of the morning watching to make sure whoever shows up does not venture into the off-limits backyard to do some unauthorized shopping. Anyway, we always hate having these things because it brings out the absolute worst in people. If they aren't trying to get you to come down on that old $50 lamp priced at 25 cents - they are stealing as much as they can every time you turn your back! They will even ask if you have any bags for them so they can steal even more by hiding things in the bottom of the bag!

Amazingly I can give the idiot owner  some credit for having the ability to tell these people off . He'll only take so much before telling them to drop what they have in their hands and get the hell out of here. Wow, he could probably do my job when he acts like that but reality quickly comes back because he'll do something stupid like make a mistake counting change or some other form of idiocy. 

Ok, I better get back to surveillance - because they may be making off with the patio furniture and grill by now. Have a great Sunday folks!

Saturday question of the week... #3

Saw an old guy today who was wearing one of those tan short-sleeved jumpsuits. It looked comfortable and judging by his demeanor - he really enjoyed wearing it. So why hasn't the jumpsuit taken over? It was good enough for the Ghost Busters - why not the general public?

My new adventure... real estate

Once again my need to escape my moronic owner and his house of idiocy has led me to focus on a career change from security. Today I was thinking real estate so I joined an online class with hopes of obtaining a license. I'm not sure which Burbank broker will allow me to work under his or her company but I hear that Bill Toth and Associates is the best in Burbank so I will try that office first. I'm trying to come up with a fancy jingle like - Buy from Haley dog - you can trust man's best friend! It's a work in progress so cut me some slack. Besides, I'll have a month or so to perfect it.

Anyway, I'm hoping real estate provides me the funds to move into my own place. I banking on the fact the canine market is one that has been completely untapped. I know many of you may have doubts but hear me out. There are millions of dogs across this country. Many are unable to move from their backyard doghouses either because they are tied up or fenced in. I can come in and help facilitate their move for a small percentage of food - say 3% for each party. There are plenty of dogs out there that have outgrown their current homes or would just like to upgrade but nobody is there to represent or help them. That is where I will come in. With a good bolt cutter and contracts in hand, I shall free these dogs and relocate them to their dream homes.

I already know who my first client is going to be - Fender  - a chocolate lab from down the street who has a stunning one-story doghouse in a tree-lined backyard here in the much desired media district of Burbank. He has been complaining through the fence for months that he has outgrown his home and is dreading the coming wet winter mainly because his rear end sticks out the doorway of his home. 

The home itself is only a few years old and is made of sturdy wood construction. It comes complete with real asphalt shingle roofing and new carpeting. Sniff checks reveals no termite infestation but potential buyers are advised to schedule their own testing. The home will be listed at $250.00 and I hope to have a virtual tour on my upcoming website a week or so after receiving my license. Fender will be selling contingent upon his finding a suitable home so that is the only disclosure. He is looking to move to a spacious yard in the Burbank hills so if anyone hears of anything let me know.  Ok, I better get cracking on my courses. Have a great day folks!

A warning about those damn raccoons and other little animals...

I'm so right on some times it scares me. I've been telling people for years about the dangers of the outside wild vermin - but somehow it always falls upon deaf ears. My job here at the compound is to patrol the grounds and keep the possums, squirrels and raccoons from infiltrating the perimeter. But I'm always hearing about how those raccoons are so cute this or adorable that. I've been called a bully by the neighbors and even my goofball owner for chasing the little rat bastards off the grounds. Well folks -here is the story that sets the record straight.

In Lakeland Florida, a 74 year old Grandmother was viciously attacked by a band of five roaming raccoons. The woman had noticed the five in the front yard and decided to go out and shoo the little dears away. What the old woman didn't know is that those little masked bandits had a 55 gallon drum of kick-ass waiting for her. Once she was outside they reared and attacked - knocking her to the ground  - scratching and biting her mercilessly. The sheriff on the scene afterwards said he was shocked at the amount of damage those five  were able to administer. 

Residents have now banded together putting out traps to capture the five but the damage has been done. Too often people have underestimated the little animals of the world. A lousy squirrel would love nothing better than to go for your jugular or groin, and rabbits always go for the eyes when they attack. Even your  so called - gentle hummingbird becomes an instrument of death  when moving at the proper speed and flying straight into your temple with that long pointed beak. So heed my warnings - do not approach these little animals unless you are prepared to dance with the reaper. Man I deserve a raise around here. Have a great day folks!

Stop cleaning the gene pool with wildlife!

Public health and consumer laws should be applauded for saving millions of lives over the past 40 or so years but there is still work to be done. We should rejoice that today's children no longer have to play with the deathtrap toys their counterparts of yesteryear used. Listen to any boomer and he or she will describe the toys they played with - toys with long  wire pull strings that easily wrapped around their necks, metal toys with sharp edges that would impale them as they tussled with their siblings on the floor, and small choking sized toys that somehow surprised many of their parent years ago. Let's not forget these were the same parents that were blowing cigarette smoke into their kid's faces for fun. But not enough systems are in place to save everyone!

Dangers were many years ago and not all the kids made it through -which may account for why families had more kids. Parents had to figure that there were going to break a few eggs making their family omelette. Anyway, for good or bad,  the government came along and helped these people by providing  needed educational campaigns. They even saw fit to place warnings on plastic grocery bags to educate parents about the bag's tendency to climb up a toddler or infant's body and affix itself over the child's head. How many innocent lives were save?

So by conservative estimates we can probably guess that thousands - if not millions of people have been saved with these successful educational campaigns. Unfortunately - some people can not be helped. Some out there refuse to heed the warnings or are unable to recognize dangers unless there is a posted warning sign to read. Even if they see a warning - they do not always believe. These are the ones we need to focus our energies on in order to save them from cleaning their own gene pool.

Today we hear a report out of Alberta Canada that two men broke into a zoo in the early am hours by climbing an eight foot fence topped with barbed wire. This was the first of two fences that separates the public from, "Vitali" a two year old Siberian Tiger on the other side. Apparently - being inside the first fence did not afford a close enough look at Vitali so one of the men moved closer to the interior fence - close enough that the tiger was able to grab his arm and pull it through and maul it. Fortunately for the man, he was able to make it out alive. I know what most of you are thinking - how could they be so stupid?

But let's not rush to judgement here. Nowhere in the story did it say that there were posted warning signs anywhere in the area, nor did it say that the tiger gave clear verbal or physical warnings to the men that he - the tiger - was a dangerous carnivore - which  one would think would be mandatory in this day and age. Anyway, who of you out there knows the danger of entering the cage of a little 600 lb tiger? How many of you have ever done it? We don't normally see tigers around our suburban neighborhoods - perhaps the men viewed the tiger on the same lines of our common domesticated house cats - just a bigger version. I know of many a person who has approached a kitty on the street in order to hold it and love it up. Maybe the men saw the tiger and just wanted to give it a loving squeeze or pay a visit? 

Oh well, hopefully now the zoo will post warning signs all over that area to protect these types of people. But we will still not have solved the problem. What are we to do about people who visit the National Parks and wild game preserves? Who will help them recognize a groundhog from a grizzly bear, a badger from a Bengal tiger or a Koala from a cobra? No my friends there is still work to be done. We need to save these people. Good luck and God bless!

Fistfight at 30,000 feet?

How would you like to be on a passenger jet cruising at 30,000 feet when the pilots and crew members engage in a fistfight? Well, that is just what was witnessed by passengers on an Air India jet recently. Keep in mind this was not about restraining an unruly passenger or anything like that - they were fighting over a report that one of the pilots had molested one of the female crew members. I can understand sticking up for the woman but maybe someone should have thought a bit deeper before deciding to open cans of whoop-ass in front of the passengers. Let us cover a few scenarios:

1) Hooray - crew members are successful at giving the pilots the beat down effectively teaching the, " keep your filthy hands off of the ladies" lesson. Victory to the oppressed yes, but then who left is capable of flying/landing the plane? Scenario # 1 proves that chivalry is not dead - all the passengers yes - but chivalry no!

2) Hooray - Pilots give the beat down to the surly crew members - putting the bastards in their place. Ok, now I know they can be slightly annoying at times with all the emergency directions, seat belt reminders, and checking your slightly larger than the overhead storage area bag, but who the hell is going to serve the alcohol after all the flight attendants get rung up? Not me - no I'm sticking with scenario #1 since I need the alcohol in order to fly these days.

3) Hooray- the pilots promise to not play grab-ass for the remainder of the flight and the molested woman is allowed to rest and recover from being groped. After the flight lands, the authorities are called in to investigate the incident when all the passengers are safely on the ground.  You know - call me crazy but I do believe that this  is the one I prefer since if I'm a passenger I get my drinks (a bit slower with one less staff member) and I get to live. 

Well there you have it. I'm hoping that someone from Air India comes across this post and adds it to their training manuel. I believe their passengers will prefer it.

NOTE: The picture above does not depict any of the people involved in the ruckus - at least as far as I know.

Saturday question of the week... #3

Who has the best coffee?

I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen...

Not sure why I even bother since nobody ever listens to me. Maybe, if the idiot owner ever investigated when I was barking - he might find out something interesting. Like... I don't know - there's someone rifling through your car in the driveway and is about to make off with that GPS navigator system you like so much. But I guess some people always need to learn the hard way. 

This of course is nothing new - we've been down this road before. He gets his stuff taken and then he gets mad saying I should have informed him. Informed him?! I was barking like a moron for a whole ten minutes outside. And what was his response? He yelled from the sofa that I should quiet down. What the hell did he think I was doing? I guess I was supposed to walk into the house and tap him on the shoulder saying, "Excuse me Mr Owner sir but you better move quickly because there is someone pilfering your possessions in the driveway." Or maybe I was just supposed to rig up some elaborate system of search lights and sirens like they have at prisons? 

It's not like he would have done anything anyway. I seriously doubt he was going to run outside and slap an MMA style arm bar submission or guillotine choke hold on the guy. At the most -he would have just yelled at the guy to get out of his car and then called the police. 

Anyway, if there is anyone he should be upset with - it should be himself for leaving the car door unlocked. Don't blame me because you didn't think - take ownership! Oh well, I'm disgusted - but that's my lot in life. I'm spending the weekend in my dog hole. Have a good one!

Having that kind of day? ... Try having that kind of life!

One thing after another around here lately. If it isn't work problems, sick people, sick pets, car accidents or vehicles being broken into - it's just general bad luck all around! I'm beginning to wondering... when the hell is this patch going to end and what is going on?! We never used to get bombarded all at once with problems but all of a sudden all hell has broken loose. I guess it's just our turn. Anyone else out these being put through the ringer? I guess we still have our laughter... or is that just inside my own head. Oh, great, now I'm going insane to boot! 

I guess the real problem is that I've been blessed with just enough intelligence to recognize that things are complete crap but not enough brain to figure out how to get out of this funk. Either I need to add some smarts real quick or resort to whacking myself upside of the head with a ball pein hammer so as to achieve the, "ignorance is bliss" lifestyle my moron owner enjoys. Oh well - I guess I'm off to find that hammer - have a great day folks!