Van... children

Just heard that Van Morrison and his girlfriend had a child! Congratulations to him but isn't he like 64 years old right now? Not sure what these people are thinking because the last thing I want in my senior years is to have another baby running amok around the house. I don't even want the older kids around let alone any new ones. Usually by the time one reaches the age of Mr. Morrison - peace and quiet is about all he or she can stand. Then again - the kid will probably have a team of nannies covering 24/7 so it's not as big a deal to Van as it would be to the average Schmoe out there. The one who will feel the most effect will be the kid himself who'll no doubt grow tired of being asked why his Grandfather is always around. To each his own I guess. Have a great day folks! Oh, and for those of you out there wondering if I'd mention something about Father and son both being in diapers at the same time...

Get back to work already...

Damn humans, they need to get back to what they do best... hanging around their workplaces pretending to work. This just isn't working out at all. I'm really getting tired of having to wait for my turn at the computer because my owner - Captain Fat Face needs to look at his online comics or his wife needs to do continuous Internet shopping for this or that. I have posts to write damn it! I tell you, I really need to get my own computer one of these days so I can have unlimited access. Once again I got hosed for Christmas and will now have to suffer the consequences. Why couldn't I have been adopted by the Rockefellers?

You got to be kidding me?

Well, the last sign of the apocalypse has finally been revealed and it comes in the form of...  the snuggie for dogs. I hope all you people are happy now. Your collective need to keep all living creature extra warm will most assuredly result in God's ultimate wrath now! You see, he's up there in heaven right now wondering what's wrong with fur - his original design? His conclusion will be that humans are trying to question his judgment and that's when it will all start... fire and brimstone from the sky!

I'm wondering where will it end, and who comes up with all this nonsense anyway? You don't see we of the animal kingdom coming up with useless products that pretend to help you humans out. How would you like a product called, "skinny" a natural skin like material developed to keep you humans extra comfortable on cold days. It's breathable and wicks moisture away! Buy now for $19.95 and receive a second skinny absolutely free!

I saw the big moron owner walking around wearing a snuggie on Christmas morning. Absolutely ridiculous - he looked like the love child of Friar Tuck and a smurf! Having seen that, there's just no way your going to ever get me into one of those blue rags. They'd have better luck putting one on the little abomination puppy. With his IQ - I'm sure he'd have a grand time with it. OK, now that I've thoroughly disgusted myself.  I guess I'm off to get some antacids and then lie down for awhile. Good day to you all!

All that's left now is to...

Ah yes, Christmas is over and what have we learned? Well, some people learned that it's not the best idea to drink like a fish at the office Christmas party and then tell the boss exactly what they think. Others learned that frank discussions on the existence of Santa Claus are best accomplished  - for various reasons - outside the earshot of their nephews and nieces. Still others learned that when significant others say that they don't want or need anything for Christmas - they REALLY don't mean it. That one can be a life changer.

Yes, many a lessons was learned this Christmas season but some out there have not... will not... or simply refuse to learn about the most important aspect of a responsible Christmas season. With that in mind, we of the decoration guild implore you. For the love of God, take down your damn Christmas decorations before this year's 4th of July picnic! Thank you!

What did you get for Christmas?

Once again I got crap for Christmas!!! Every year - all I ever ask for is some new security equipment and maybe a little prime rib, and every year it's the same damn thing... tennis balls and stupid stuffed animals! I got news for the owner and his band of merry misfits - if I wanted that kind of crap all I would have to do is go to any of the neighboring yards and grab some. You see -  we live in an area filled with timid, shaky, tea cup dogs and overly inflated dachshunds so it would be nothing for this 95 pound beast to impose my will and extract that which I desire most. I refrain because I am a just dog who only wishes to do good. But, if I wanted... Whoa Nellie! 

So, now that I haven't gotten what I wanted, I've decided to shoot the works and do a little Internet shopping with the owner's credit cards. So far today I've managed to purchase the deluxe orthopedic dog bed from Petmate that boasts of soft elegant plush fabric, decorative piping, and a low profile. This should go a long way in helping this older dog get a good nights rest and also an easier transition in the morning. Being eleven is a drag!

 I also purchased a new home security system with camera monitors and emergency touch pads. Soon I'll easily be able to patrol the compound grounds from my new bed and call in the troops when needed. No more will that lousy Pat Possum be lolly gagging around on my front porch against my will! Once my new system is installed, I'll be sending out the full dose of our Burbank PD when he shows up... maybe even the SWAT unit. Oh, he'll see... they'll all see!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, I better finish my shopping before the rest of the family wakes up and foils my plans. I'm going to the HoneyBaked Ham site to see about their Prime rib dinners. Hopefully I can get fast delivery. Have a great day folks! 

I got the Christmas fiend but...

Well, my plans to stop the fat man in the red and white outfit were foiled once again. I was taking my nap last night when all of a sudden I awoke to the sound of jingling bells. I walked towards the living room and saw the large red rump of the trash fiend in front of our tree. That bastard was at it again - dropping his scrap where it wasn't wanted!

I braced myself and let loose with a barrage of snarls and barks that would eventually bring stirrings from all the bedrooms of the house. Knowing that I was about to unleash hell, the fat twit whirled around and quickly tried to hush me by putting his finger up to his lips and saying I was going to wake the household. Of course there was no way I was going to let this interloper run the show so I darted at him with all the power of my being. It was here that he turned and ran to the door yelling, "Haley, stop... it's me... it's me!" I pondered for a moment how he knew my name but decided instead to focus on the task at hand and sank my teeth into his rotund derriere before he got out the back door. Just as I was about to tear a chunk, I heard the shrieking of the small human boy behind me. He was screaming for me to let Santa alone! Santa, I thought? Who the hell is Santa? Oh well, no matter. I had effectively protected the household from the Christmas trasher and surely would be considered the conquering hero. I may even get an extra helping of Christmas ham I thought to myself. Oh, and of course the big doofus owner was nowhere to be found through all of this - useless as ever!

Eventually the village idiot did arrive - limping into the living room from his bedroom with a beat red face. He looked to be holding back tears which I mistakenly took as tears of joy from my selfless act of protection. Instead, he seamed to be pissed about something and so chased me outside with a barrage of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. That's the thanks I get for protecting the household I thought! To calm myself -I walked around the backyard to try an pick up the trail of the fleeing scoundrel. There was a few droplets of blood that led to the back sliding glass door leading to the idiot's bedroom. I guess that fat bastard must have escaped back into the house when I got kicked out. At first I thought that I should bark to warn the occupants inside but eventually decided to let the fiend trash the house if all I was going to get was troubles for my efforts.

Sure enough, all the scrap was once again piled up in front of the tree this morning! The trash man had indeed delivered. I hope they're all happy now! Good for them. I'm sure as hell not going to clean that mess up. And can you believe that the big fool was still ticked at me? For some reason for he just sat there giving me the stink eye all morning. He must have thrown his back out or something because he's been walking funny all day. Oh well, he'll recover.

As for the man in red and white - I'm sure the justice I dispensed will make him think twice next year! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year folks!

Getting closer...

One more day until the fat one stuffs his overloaded carcass down our chimney and I'm beside myself with anger about my recent treatment here in goofballville. Last night the village idiot owner and his family had a party where I was forced to spend the evening out in the backyard. How dare they! What nerve! What gall! Who the  hell do these people think they are keeping the beloved security agent with eleven years service outdoors on a brisk night in Burbank! The temperature surely dropped below 60 degrees! I have half a mind to call animal services.

Maybe they were hoping that I'd come down with a case of pneumonia or athlete's foot or something. Yeah, save themselves a few coins per month on my salary. Why should I be surprised? What do they care now - they have the little abomination now to take my place. I'm no fool - I can see the writing on the wall. That puppy was allowed to stay in the house last night. He was penned up in the bedroom, but in the house nonetheless. You know, I even heard them parading that little stinker around to all their guests so everyone could comment on how cute the little crapper was! Nobody came out to pick me up. Nobody carried me around from guest to guest! So now you can see why I'm ticked off. The injustice is thick my friends! Thick indeed!

Christmas is coming and I'm ready!

I'm tired of it! Every Christmas some fat bastard in a red and white outfit breaks into our home and places all manner of junk toys and other crap under our beautiful Christmas tree. It's enough to make one sick. I'm sure the only reason this happens is to discredit and embarrass me since I'm head of security here on the compound. The goofball owner is no doubt involved. Well no more! I will not be made the fool any longer!

I've spent all week planning how to stop the obese phantom once and for all! First I've placed those spiky nails use to keep pigeons away all over our rooftop. If the rotund mound places one step on our roof he'll be popped like an over inflated balloon! Next, I glued all our windows shut with the craft glue I found in the garage. I hope it is strong enough. If not - my best case scenario would have the portly litterbug going into full cardiac arrest fighting to force them open! If he does decides to use the door method, I've boarded up the back door and plan to plant myself right at the front door in order to unleash hell on anyone who comes through it with a full dose of canine furry. 

Yup, I'm done with the fat guy in the red and white suit and sweet victory will be mine this year. I'll let you know how it turns out. Happy Holidays everyone!

I'm back in black...

... my mood that is. With the holidays approaching... and being broke... how can one not be? I've been racking my brain trying to figure ways of raising some scratch quickly but so far - nothing. I suppose I could always add my name as security for all the different holiday parties going on in the area but last time I tried that I was escorted out of a function by the scruff of my neck by animal control. Embarrassing would be an understatement! Anyway, if any of you have any ideas how a 95lb dog can make some money quickly before the holiday - I'm all ears.

Just No Time...

Wow, I've been busy! As you people may know, I've been dabbling in real estate. So, I've got these terrier clients  - Bubbles and Valentino - that I've been hustling around town showing off different properties. Problem is these terriers suffer from ADHD so they can't decide which homes they like so we're stuck going around and around. It's hard because Every time I show them a new property they notice a squirrel, bird, car or something that makes them take off like a shot. Then I have to run after them to redirect.  Afterwards, when we get back to my office, they can't even remember any of the properties we just looked at! Oh well, I guess I should just be happy to have any business at all. Have a great day folks!

Everything is ticking me off here at the infirmary...

I tell you - I'm really sick of this place! The older boy has been hobbling around on crutches with a cast  - breaking a bone in his ankle last Tuesday. If the kid's constant screaming for assistance hasn't been annoying enough, add to it that I've had an upset stomach the past few days. I think I must have got it from that little abomination of a puppy they call my brother since he too has been having stomach problems as well. It's enough to make me want to stay in my dog hole all day. 

There is one more additional pleasure - the internet has been really slow since the goofball owner bought that new wireless router. Leave it to him to muss up the simplest of matters! It really has been one thing after another around here. 

Saturday question of the week... #8

Who would you prefer to spend Thanksgiving Dinner with - family, friends, or by yourself?

Sorry

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. I've been too busy in  my security duties to get any writing done. I'l try to do better next week. Have a great day!

Saturday question of the week... #7

What is your favorite recession meal?

Friday complaints...

What's buggin you today? 

Oh, the injustice! I'm tired of being pulled around town on a leash by the village idiot! It's getting to the point where I don't even want to go for walks anymore. I'm having a hard time enjoying myself because its really tough trying to block out all the snickering and off handed comments made by the other dogs about my moron these days! 

I've resorted to just ignoring him when he asks if I want to go for a walk. I'm hoping that he'll just give up and disappear, but alas he keeps after me until I give in. I'd be much happier if his wife would take me, but it's always the Man from knee-high black sockville who wins out. I suppose his wife doesn't want to be seen with him either. Anyway, let me know your injustice for the day in the comments.   

Injustice.. Inschmustice

Injustice Post #2

Oh, the injustice of this, or the injustice of that! Phooey, I like injustice! Being from the me generation, I've been conditioned to think in terms of what is in MY best interests - not others! Who cares as long as I'm getting what I want - right? Besides, without injustice, how would any of us know when were are extracting revenge on our enemies? No, I say let it ride. Also, don't forget that without injustice we'd all be walking around in Shangri-la without even knowing it. One can't truly appreciate the good times when its the only thing he or she has ever known. They'll take it for granted because they have no frame of reference. So go on out and do something nasty to someone you love and when they ask you why you did it - say it was to help them appreciate the good times. Good luck!

Where is the Injustice? Everywhere!

A site I contribute to  - Humorbloggers.com - is dedicating the month of November to fighting injustice. As a contributing writer, I'm supposed to craft stories that identify and/or inspire people to stand against injustice. Unfortunately, I don't believe any of this will do any good. Ooooh! What? Shock! Horror! No, I'm sorry to tell you...  if you're upset because you've been feeling injustice everywhere you go. You better just get used to it because it's here to stay. How do I know? Because it's part of your human condition. As long as this planet is ruled by humans - injustice will be the name of the game. Humans by nature are always looking to achieve some form of elevated status over one another so your history books are filled with stories of exploitation, murder, harassment, and other corrupt behavior. I'm just surprised that anyone even complains anymore.  

Oh, and I know your argument - But Haley, aren't there plenty of good people out there as well? Don't they all cancel each other out? Yes, there are plenty of good people out there, but the corrupt are better power mongers - it's what they do! It's no surprise then when we find out that the rotten ones own more of society than the righteous. So what is the solution? I say let us dogs take over - opposable thumbs be damned. Then you'll see a just society.

With dogs in charge - people would get along because we would be treating each other fairly as pack members of equal standing. The only extra consideration anyone would get would be based on job descriptions such as hunters receiving an extra food portion at mealtime. A-ha! You say. Ok - maybe a slight injustice if one looks at this as an outsider but don't forget that our hunters expend more energy traveling miles tracking prey. They need a little extra. Anyway, outside of those types of instances - everyone would basically be treated the same - that is unless they became too old for any usefulness. Then we'll force you from the pack so you can go off and die. Harsh? Maybe, but I challenge anyone out there to search our dog history and find one instance of genocide. Can you humans boast the same? Thought not. Ok, have a good day folks. We'll be waiting for your answer.

Another Real News Story With A Fake Twist...

Jim Cole/AP

I have bittersweet news this morning that is a bit different from the usual stories of weekend hangovers, and dealing with cases of the Mondays. Today I can proudly announce that a restaurant in Concord, N.H has brought the prestigious recognition of world's largest meatball back to the United States! That is correct folks - the world once again knows who holds sway in regards to overly rotund meatballs - hip, hip, HOORAY! The former meatball record holder from Mexico has nothing on us now after feeling the crushing effects of our mammoth 222.5 lb frame crushing its girly like 198.6 lbs! USA! USA! USA!

Organizers were exhausted and stated that breaking the record was not an easy feet. In addition to rounding up the massive amount meat products, they had to secure an oven large enough to accommodate the sphere of carnivorous delights. (Special thanks to the Johnson Family Crematorium!) Unfortunately, not all the news was pleasant for police were called in to tame an unruly group of rabble-rousers that had gathered outside the judging venue chanting, "We're hungry - give us the meatball" 

Thankfully, order was restored quickly with the help of riot police, rubber bullets, and tear gas. (Congratulations to Sergeant Smith on the impressive beat down score of 24,550!) Anyway, order was restored after the raggedy masses (consisting mainly of gaunt looking women and dirty-faced kids) were pushed back to a safe distance. Not all in attendance were happy with the way the situation was handle. 

Mayor Winston Brick stated that he was greatly embarrassment by the proceedings and called for a full investigation into the actions of the police. He went on to say that those responsible for today's events had left him sickened and had these few choice words, "Today we missed a golden opportunity to show the world our greatness. Instead of singing the praises of our juicy meatball... we now hang our heads in shame. For today we witnessed justice administered with velvet gloves when what was needed was an iron fist! How can our nation keep its standing when we can't even deal with lowlifes in an appropriate manner? I'm so sickened by this pansy display that I won't even be able to eat any of the victorious meatball now!" 

With those words, the Mayor ordered that the meatball be taken to a secured landfill and buried. Guards were then placed around the site with orders to shoot anyone who should come near. So ends the story of our world record meatball. Try to have a good day folks! At least we still have the record!

Saturday question of the week... #6

What is the best movie of all time?

No Consistency...

Ah yes, the Halloween weekend is once again upon us. How can one not be excited at the prospects of dealing with scores of costumed beggars ringing doorbells and shrieking the same half hearted line over and over and over again? What really surprises me is how we can live in a society that is so heavily against, let's say, a dog standing by the dinner table, yet so accepting of little costumed hellions begging door to door for candy! And all done during prime time if I may add. I get chased when I disturb the idiot owner during his favorite show, but oh how cute the little ones are when they come around -snot running down their  wittle faces mumbling about twicks or tweats. Can we have some consistency here? Oh, and I ain't wearing no damn costume this year so keep the hell away from me with your devil horns, witch hats, or any other idiotic device that wraps around my head and gets stuck in my fur. One last thing, if any chocolate hits the floor - its mine - and I don't care if it is poisonous. If I'm going out - I'm going out happy! 

Thursday Agent Caravan...

In an attempt to change careers, I've been taking courses on real estate and went on an agent caravan to see the local properties today. I would love to tell you about all the wonderful properties I saw today, but unfortunately those lousy human agents chased me out of every damn home I went to. I couldn't even ride along with my colleagues from the office because none of them wanted me in their car. I'm starting to get the feeling they think I'm some kind of family pet or something! Where the hell do these people get off?

I tell you - I've been studying way too hard and long to allow these people to treat me this way. All week long I was hearing how pleasant these caravans were and how I would really enjoy all the food the agents put out. Then the day comes and all I get is bupkis! I got chased at every damn door I went to. I tried to be professional - even had my business cards at the ready but nobody even took the time to look at any of them. All they would do is grab a broom and start chasing me out the door screaming for someone to help them get the damn dog out of there. One guy even had the audacity to ask who brought the mangy mutt! I beg your pardon? Excuse me... mangy mutt? How dare you sir! The only thing mangy around here is that little discolored fur piece you're wearing upon that bald crown of yours! That's what's mangy!

Anyway, I'm guessing that this is the way it's going to be for the next few years until I'm eligible to get my broker's license and then call my own shots. But then again, I am going on eleven and the life expectancy of the average German Shepherd is right around 10-13 years so I may not even make it. Damn humans ruin all my plans! Well I better go before I really get worked up. Have a good day folks!

Fanatic or Desperate?

Wow, some people must really love baseball! A female fan in Philadelphia was recently arrested for offering sex in exchange for a World Series ticket. The female fan foolishly posted her barter request on Craig's list which was spotted by the police, who set up a meeting leading to her arrest. If all this wasn't shocking enough, the woman turned out to be married. Maybe she was trying to get her husband a ticket? Anyway, before we go and pass judgement on this woman - we should see if there are any reasonable explanations. Maybe it was justified?

For one, maybe this woman found out she only had one week to live and desperately needed to see her beloved Phillies one last time. That might make it acceptable - no? Or maybe (this one's my favorite) she went so crazy from all the nightly solicitation phone calls from the Pennsylvania State Troopers Association that she decided the best way to remedy the situation was to procure one of the valuable World Series tickets, sell it for cash and then donate the proceeds to the police to once and for all end the barrage of calls. That might justify her actions and add a bit of irony! Now don't you feel silly knowing the made up story? 

And it's one we can all relate to in some way? Who among us hasn't taken that donation call from the local policeman's association and not worried about the consequences? One begins to wonder if his or her emergency response time directly correlates to the amount of the offering. Feeling cornered, they eventually break down and give twenty bucks in hopes that it's good enough to keep themselves in the minutes rather than hours column.

 Well, that was quite a stretch wasn't it? So, let's just cut the baloney - the simplest explanation is that this woman is just your average ordinary run of the mill tramp. So forget what I said  before and judge away my friends...  judge away!

Punish the Child, Teacher, or the Parent?

Saw an article today about a school Administrator who will most likely be fired for taping a child's mouth shut and bounding the child's hands in the name of discipline. The article didn't state why such extreme measures were taken but one can only imagine that either the Administrator was a complete nut job or the child was the spawn of Satan. 

We in the animal kingdom are all for discipline - but we dispense justice with the proper measure. I lost track of the amount of times I received a strong nip to the ear  for acting up while growing up. I can also also say that the times were a plenty where I was corralled by the scruff of my neck in order to correct my behavior. But I can safely say that I was never mauled by the older animals for just small infractions. Before you resort to the extreme measure of taping a kids mouth shut, let us animals have a crack at them so as to show you the way to take care of business.

 I propose that schools keep a discipline room off to the side filled with all manner of wild predatory animals. Then if a child starts to act up -bring them in and let us take care of the situation. I guarantee those little bastards will be on the straight and narrow within a few seconds of seeing their first large wolf, cougar, or bengal tiger a few feet away from them without any bars for protection. Before you know it, word will spread like wildfire throughout the land about who holds sway in the schools and then all the little ones will be transformed into complete angels. Sure, there is the possibility that one of the animals may forget themselves and we'll lose one or two kids but soon afterwards we won't even need to bother talking about punishment any longer because the kids would be completely paralyzed by fear. 

Traumatizing - yes - but at least the other 20-30 kids in the classroom will no longer suffer at the hands of one or two unruly kids. I know what you are thinking - why should the kids suffer for the parent's failure? Because nobody said life was going to be fair - that's why! Besides, before long - worried parents would start teaching their children the proper way to behave in public. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the way to handle this is to give the child the power to decide whether they or their parents would enter the den of discipline. I bet you would see plenty of parents making sure they raised well behaved kids then as well.

Anyway, let me know if any of you want me to come over and take over the daily operations of your school. I do have plenty of time. This, of course was all just my opinion. Remember that I'm a dog so my views are not exactly in line with your average human. Ok, have a great day folks!

Halloween - one night of freedom!

We of the animal kingdom absolutely love your little Halloween tradition of dress up! Why? It's the one night of the year that we are able to get out and walk amongst you guys without the fear of leashes, hunters, or entrapment. We've been doing this for years - all under the radar. We need to thank you guys because you're the ones who gave us the idea with that E.T movie. 

Remember that Frankenstein Monster that had that strange walk last year? That was actually the Kline's family pet cat Melvin  - I kid you not! Also, that smallish Evil Knievel that was riding up and down the block on the tricycle that you thought was the Webber kid. That was really Choo-Choo the Marnelli's pet cockatoo. Oh, and I must not forget to mention that the fat kid who came to your door dressed like Obama was really Cubby the brown bear from the local woods. Poor little guy is an absolute freak for Bit-O-Honey candy bars. So much that he's now taken to playing dress up at other times of the year. One time he ventured out during hunting season dressed as Dick Cheney's pal. We all know how that one ended. 

Anyway, we use trick or treat night as our one night to get out and really cut loose. Now that you know, don't be surprised then when you discover that the horse you thought was Ben and Eric from the office, turns out to be just Biscuit the Appaloosa from Lazy J Ranch crashing your party. As for me - I'm dressing up this year as Maria Shriver - driving a car and talking on a cell phone. I figure nobody will notice. Have a great day folks!

Saturday question of the week... #5

Charlie Brown must really have been hated around his town. My God - the kid was singled out from his group to receive a rock while trick or treating! So despised was he that there was some adult out there who actually kept a rock on hand just in case Charlie showed up. One does not normally keep rocks nearby to give to trick or treaters on Halloween night so it's safe to assume that the act was premeditated. So what the hell could Charlie have done to illicit such a strong reaction from the people in his town? Also, what would you have done if you'd received a rock while trick or treating?

Not feeling it...

I don't have any energy today. The idiot owner and his youngest son are both home today so I've decided to spend the bulk of my day outdoors away from the madness. The kid is home because he has a sinus infection and the big moron is taking care of him. Not sure what the owner's wife is thinking - I wouldn't trust that village idiot to work as a door stop let alone take care of a living breathing person. Oh well, I'l let his wife worry about the arrangements because I don't want to be involved. Man, I shouldn't be this disgusted on a Friday but alas, once again they've forced my hand. Ok, I'm heading back to my dog hole to sleep. Have a good day!

The Commercialization of Halloween...

I heard some people complaining the other day that Halloween has become too commercialized. I found that funny because what exactly does that mean? Have we shifted our attention away from our, "supposed" traditional messages of witchcraft and devil worship to that of corporate profit and greed? If true, then surly some confusion is going to ensue. Everybody knows at least one kid from when they were growing up whose parents didn't allow them to participate in the Halloween festivities because they thought the theme of the night was inappropriate. If that theme has changed - what are they supposed to think now? Halloween was at first bad but corporate greed is bad now as well so which one trumps the other? But how can corporations be so bad when they're supplying jobs? So they're actually good after all - right? Then again, corporate greed is bad but the answer to that is government regulation which used to be bad, but now is somewhat good! How the hell are we supposed to get through this maze?!

You know, I was never really that advanced in my thinking about Halloween. Funny me, all I ever thought about was getting bags of candy. To those worried parents out there who wondered what went on during trick or treat- this may come as a shock - I never came across any home where I was asked to drink goat's blood, cast spells, or pledge undying devotion to Lucifer. There, it's out in the open. That might have been interestingly scary, but it never happened - not even close. We just walked around in our cheap plastic costumes collecting candy, packets of crackers, and maybe a few pieces of fruit that we would eventually throw back into the person's yard later in the evening. That was it - no devil, no spells, pretty boring. 

I don't even remember  having any sort of discussions with my friends about what the evening meant to them. And the closest thing to evil we ever saw was the Butter Knife Twins - who received their namesake for carrying around butter knives in order to scare other kids. And they weren't even that bad because all they ever did was grab some pieces of candy from our bags and walk off.

Anyway, I do have one problem with the commercialization and it involves the decorations.  First Christmas - now Halloween! I'm tired of it. Everywhere my idiot owner and I go on our nightly walks - we see homes decorated with orange and purple lights and large inflatable characters. When did all this happen? Wasn't it bad enough waiting until April for our neighbors to take down their Christmas lights that we felt the need to up the ante? You know people are lazy by nature and will probably put one set of lights on top of the next. Then we'll have red, green, white, orange and purple lights strung in some sort of hybrid seven month celebration. Now that's scary!

I say we go back to just taping a few cardboard cutouts in the front window and maybe a pumpkin or two on the front porch. It's simple to decorate, easy to clean up, and comes with less societal confusion. Besides, at least then parents can go back to their traditional worries and excuses since it's hard telling little Bobby he can't trick or treat due to the evil corporations and their greed. Even little kids know that argument doesn't jive. Have a great day!

Sarah Palin is looking for a job?

I heard that Sarah Palin posted her resume on Linkedin so I decided to check it out.  After carefully reviewing her skills and accomplishments, I've decided to bring her in for a interview for the highly prestigious position of, " Stool Wrangler" picking up my droppings around the compound - usually twice a day. If selected, Ms Palin will be required to show up mornings and early evenings - seven days a week - ready and enthusiastic for work. She will follow me as I make my morning and evening patrols and clean as needed. What is really needed for her new position is reliable transportation and a true commitment to excellence because my owner will supply the tools of the trade - scooper and plastic deployment bags. That is unless she is hard core and does not choose to work with tools.

I am pleased to be one of the, "Real Americans"  trying to help the former Governor get back on her feet during this time of change. I am also looking forward to a long working relationship if she is fortunate enough to make it through my vetting process. 

Ms Palin will be facing stiff competition though because I'm also planning on bringing in former Texas Representative, Tom DeLay - fresh off the dance circuit
, and former Presidential candidate, champion of the environment, inventor of the internet, and all around good guy - Al Gore. The battle should be intense! Let the best man/woman win!

Richard Heene - Prison Scientist?

Oh that crazy Richard Heene is at it again! Fresh off the balloon boy hoax, he's preparing for his impending jail time by creating a few new reality shows to be shot at the Federal Correctional Institution in Englewood, CO. The main show Heene wants to bring to the public will be called, "Big House Science" that will focus on science experiments that can be easily done while doing time.

In Big House Science, Heene will engage in all sorts of zany science experiments such as; how to brew low grade alcohol in your prison toilet, how to launch an inmate/yourself over the wall using a catapult made from common prison items, and how to make flavorful prison shanks that are easy to make and can be quickly eaten to conceal evidence. Heene even hopes to bring his sons in for cameos by ballooning them in over the wall.  

If all that is not enough, Heene is also proposing a few spinoff shows that are a little more on the risqué side geared towards late night viewers. Heene and his wife, Mayumi, are looking into a show -in case Muyumi is not convicted - called "Conjugal Visits" (no explanation needed), "Jailhouse Wife Swap" (also no explanation needed, and lastly "Jailhouse Cheaters" which will focus on catching inmates who cheat on their cell mates.

Never one to sit on his laurels, Richard Heene, the innovator, vows to continue developing engaging quality programs that will showcase his exceptional parenting skills, high school science knowledge, and harmonica playing ability which he hopes to showcase in a series of future live performances - a la Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison concert. 

 Have a great day folks! 

You paid how much? ... For hair?

A pile of Elvis Presley's old stanky hair sold over the weekend for over$18,000 at an auction in Chicago. In a fake interview afterwards, the winning bidder was asked how he felt about his new prize. Gazing out the window of the convention center, the man spotted a homeless family huddling together inside an old abandoned car. "You see that...  those people over there? That's what it's all about! I work hard in order to afford the finer things in life such as Elvis's hair - while other people laze the day away in their cars - no doubt waiting for a handout. It makes me sick!" He added, "It reminds me. I was explaining to my workers the other day that even though I was giving them all pay cuts - they too could one day afford life's little pleasures like Elvis's Hair, or even Neil Sedaka's dandruff -if only they learned to apply themselves and work hard." 

Later, the triumphant bidder rallied the crowd into a frenzy, leading them across the street to the family in the car. Waving American flags, the crowd peppered the homeless family with insults about being lazy, union workers ruining the auto industry, and Obama being a muslim. Many participants said that it was one the most beautiful thing they had ever been a part of. One woman said that she would be the first to endorse, "Joe - the Auction Man" for public office. "I hope he runs. He could wear the hair he just bought on the campaign trail. We'll call him the King of Chicago!"

Elvis Presley couldn't be reached for comment. 

Note: Yes, people work hard for their money and should be able to do as they please. Just keep this type of idiotic indulgence out of the news.

Saturday question of the week... #4

Was the balloon boy incident an accident or staged drama?

Tap out?!... Hardly!

In my quest to find a new profession for my remaining years - I decided to examine the highly popular world of Mixed Martial Arts. MMA fighting has grown in popularity and many would say its appeal has far surpassed that of boxing. Unfortunately it appears that their system is biased towards using human competitors. I guess the organizers are fearful of the havoc that would ensue if wild animals were allowed to participate. We animals are confident that we could compete and win against humans if ever given the chance. 

In a typical MMA match, there are a few ways one can win a match; technical knock out (TKO) - where a participant gets blasted by a blow to the head and is rendered unconscious, knock out by submission - where a  choke hold is applied and the recipient loses consciousness, submission by tap out - where one of the competitors willingly gives up due to the pain of an applied submission hold, and lastly - a technical decision rendered by the judges based on points scored. If animals are allowed to compete, we would need to add in some sort of mauling category.

The top class in the MMA world at the moment is the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship. The UFC has grown and benefitted by its hugely popular reality fighting series on Spike TV which they used to grow a loyal viewer base and quality stable of fighters. So where are the fighters from the animal kingdom? Afraid? Maybe they should be because I doubt any human could sustain the pain from the grasp of this German Shepherd's bite without tapping out let alone some of our more dangerous champions. 

Please, don't call yourselves, "Ultimate" when most of the animal kingdom is not even represented! To truly carry that distinction you need to include some of our most fierce predators and  then see how you humans do. Oh, and I know how you guys operate so do leave the weapons at home and just battle with what God gave you - ok? I believe that is the only fair way to do this. Besides, I don't see current MMA fighters entering the octagon with guns on them so the same rules need to apply with us.

We from the animal kingdom propose any of the following matches: grizzly bear v. human, tiger v. human, shark v. human, or even wolverine v. human. I wouldn't want any of those animals for myself, but I'm not labeling any of my fights as, "Ultimate" am I? For the first human fighter/victim - I offer my goofball owner in order to get the ball rolling. I believe he would be a very competitive (appetizer) on the lower card, and then we'll move on to some of your more skilled contestants. I don't believe any animals will have object to my doofus owner - especially after I publish his BMI index in the program. I'm sure all they will see is a tasty snack. As a courtesy, I'll even dress him in yellow tights - so they feel they are fighting some sort of walking twinkie.

So there you have it UFC. What say you?

 Until next time - have a great day folks!

What ever will we do?

OMG - I just heard that  TLC is not going to be bringing back John & Kate Plus 8 after November! Who is going to show the masses the proper way to raise children? What ever will we do once these life instructors are torn from us? When will be able to laugh again? Where will we go to watch parents fighting over their kids - besides grocery stores, public parks, restaurants, relative's homes and school functions? Why, oh why are John and Kate divorcing, and can't they just get along for the kids sake? 

Ok... now that I got that out of my system... who the hell gives a crap?! Listen - I know Pennsylvania - been there plenty of times. Believe me when I say that there are plenty of trashy families with kids to pick and choose from. I assure you TLC will not have any problem finding suitable replacements for John and Kate. In fact - I'm sure there are scores of large families across the country right now lining up to receive the type of financial help those two dunderheads were receiving from their moronic show. Then again - when money comes into play - you never know how people will react so we may just have one family failure show after another coming dow the pike. Maybe they should call it, "Churning the Trash Heap".

I'll never understand why anyone would willingly watch this type of show in the first place! It's horrible for the kids involved and watching kids scream and fight is just  absolutely painful. Come to think if it, viewing the show should probably be a mandatory part of our prison rehabilitation programs. Of course some Judge would probably determine that it falls into the category of cruel and unusual punishment so there goes that. 

As a dog born into a large litter of pups (7), I can safely say that large families really aren't very interesting. To get the gist - one only needs to experience five minutes of the bedtime ritual. This is where all hell breaks loose. Here's the rundown: A few kids will be fighting to use the bathroom at the same time (not all will make it). Others will be attempting to stay awake by hiding in various points around the house (stairwells, under beds, attic crawl spaces). While the remainder engage in some form of battle to the death - usually because someone was looking, touching, or taking something that didn't belong to them. The only thing missing is Star Trek's Amok Time battle music. Boy, now that I think about it - that is entertaining! Just don't tell that to the parents receiving the 24/7 beat down.

Those are the people seen convulsing on the sidelines - hands clasped in prayer - waiting for their little hellions to fall asleep. Afterwards - they'll cozy up to a six pack, bottle of scotch, rubbing alcohol or whatever is in the house that will ease their pain. This is the only time of the day where they can feel relief - letting the sweet blanket of unconsciousness remove them from their horrible, horrible existence. I guarantee you  - they do not have any interest in the John & Kate show.

Alright, I'm off the soap box and now heading outside to my dog hole for a few hours of undisturbed relaxation. I just hope the idiot owner doesn't leave out that little abomination of a puppy to bother me. Have a great day folks!

Rained out...

Today's posting from, "Talk of the Dog" has been cancelled due to rain in the Los Angeles area. 

If a regulation story is not posted (cancelled Post) and is rescheduled to be posted either on a date for which no other postings were previously  scheduled or as part of a split double header (i.e two stories posted on the same day, but each of which requires an individual ticket), your ticket may be used for admittance to such rescheduled posting.

If a cancelled posting is not rescheduled, you may exchange your ticket at Talk of the Dog, at any time after the date of the cancelled post, for an individual ticket of equal or lesser value for a future regular season posting (subject to prior sales and ticket availability).

In no instance shall a ticket be exchangeable for a ticket with a face value  greater than the face value of this ticket. No cash refund or credit will be issued and this ticket may not be applied to any account balance.

This policy may be amended at anytime without notice. 

Note: To anyone wondering - Yes, our policy is a blatant rip-off of the Los Angeles Dodgers rain out policy. Thanks to the Los Angeles Dodgers and good luck against the Phillies - GO BLUE!

Cat Stevens never sang about this train...

A German man unwittingly caused commuter delays in Lauenbrueck, Germany after being forced from the train he was riding for traveling without a ticket. In retaliation for his forced exit, the man decided to moon the staff - pressing his exposed backside against the lower glass doors just as the train began pulling out of the station. Unfortunately for him, the train caught hold of his dangling trousers and pulled him over 100 yards along the platform and onto the tracks where he was once again... riding without a ticket.

Thankfully, one of the passengers looked out the window and noticed the full moon out that night. With one pull of the emergency brake, the Moon Man's second hobo adventure came to an end - along with his short reign as Emperor of the North. Luckily, Ernest Borgnine wasn't on the train (click last link) and the man was able to keep himself away from the moving wheels. Oh those crazy Germans - but this is just par for the course in David Hasselhoff's kingdom! Have a great day folks!

Well how about that?

Heard a story about a Brazilian TV host/ former legislator  who was arrested on homicide and drug charges. Apparently the murders he arranged served him two ways by taking out his rivals and also giving him stories for his show. I'm hoping that our TV hosts aren't getting any ideas. Last thing we need is Regis popping caps all over NY.

Get the hell out of here!

Here in Burbank they have one weekend a year where residents can stage a yard sale without the need of a permit and this is that weekend. Being that my owner is his usual slow to the take self - we scrambled to have ours today. Now they are all outside with their junk hoping to unload as much as they can. Of course all the real action was yesterday so it appears they are a day late and buck short once again.

I've been outside most of the morning watching to make sure whoever shows up does not venture into the off-limits backyard to do some unauthorized shopping. Anyway, we always hate having these things because it brings out the absolute worst in people. If they aren't trying to get you to come down on that old $50 lamp priced at 25 cents - they are stealing as much as they can every time you turn your back! They will even ask if you have any bags for them so they can steal even more by hiding things in the bottom of the bag!

Amazingly I can give the idiot owner  some credit for having the ability to tell these people off . He'll only take so much before telling them to drop what they have in their hands and get the hell out of here. Wow, he could probably do my job when he acts like that but reality quickly comes back because he'll do something stupid like make a mistake counting change or some other form of idiocy. 

Ok, I better get back to surveillance - because they may be making off with the patio furniture and grill by now. Have a great Sunday folks!

Saturday question of the week... #3

Saw an old guy today who was wearing one of those tan short-sleeved jumpsuits. It looked comfortable and judging by his demeanor - he really enjoyed wearing it. So why hasn't the jumpsuit taken over? It was good enough for the Ghost Busters - why not the general public?